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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To totally get why people are suicidal.

20 replies

blubberball · 18/02/2020 05:04

I'm definitely one of the lucky ones. I have a roof over my head, a job and a car. Been through an abusive marriage and divorce, physical illness and mental illness as well. It is not easy to keep going. I spent years never crying because I felt nothing, but today I am exhausted and drained from crying. My ds is 12, and can't be bothered at school. Trying to get him to, and his handwriting is like a 4 year old. He can't tie his own shoe laces. He gives up caring and trying. It's not his fault, it's mine. I've lived in a fog of depression since he was born, some days, weeks and months unable to even get up out of bed. Many nights in hospital, where I couldn't speak or move. But he has pressure on him to be meeting other people's standards.
My other ds has disabilities and requires extra care. I'm lucky that my family and partner are supportive. I am one of the lucky ones.

But I totally get it. Because wading through bullshit every day, and never feeling good enough.

Love and strength to any one going through difficult times. Reach out if you need help to Samaritans or doctors.

OP posts:

PulyaSochsup · 18/02/2020 05:10

What a beautiful post, especially when you’re clearly dealing with issues yourself. Life can be very hard, accept any help that you can get. My friend’s dad was 14 before he could tie shoelaces, she just bought him Velcro or slip on shoes. He’s doing very well generally, please try not to stress the small stuff.

I hope you keep getting support and that in the wake of recent events those who are suffering feel safe to reach out to others. I also hope that those called on for that support are kind and refuse to give into temptation to gossip about others or be inclined to pass harsh judgement.

LoneMULF · 18/02/2020 05:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silverperiwinkle · 18/02/2020 05:45

Well done for speaking out hun, sounds like you are really being tested and life must seem so hard at the minute, but it sounds like you are really doing your best and that is all anyone can ask for.

Weffiepops · 18/02/2020 06:05

My brother took his own life and I never got it. He had a job money house car girlfriend but had depression since his teens. His life wasn't hard like yours sounds but his head was broken with the depression. I'll never understand why he went. We all suffer, but you muddle through. Please don't take your life OP, it devastates everyone you leave behind.

Original poster

blubberball · 18/02/2020 06:07

Thanks for your kind words. All we can do is keep going. Things will get better.

OP posts:

Original poster

blubberball · 18/02/2020 06:12

So sorry to hear about your brother. We too have lost too many friends and family to suicide. People are just desperate and can't see a way out, they don't mean to hurt any one else or cause them pain. They don't want to die, they just want their pain to end.

I won't take my own life. For one thing I wouldn't be capable, and I'd mess it up and fail at that. The other more important things are my dc. Wouldn't do them any good or help them in any way if I did that to them. I will not abandon them in this world.

to any suffering, things will get better.

OP posts:

Verily1 · 18/02/2020 06:49

I get it.

The pain can be unbearable- why is that any different from the support for assisted suicide when someone has a physical illness?

catx1606 · 18/02/2020 06:53

I get it. I've never been in a position where it felt like the only answer but my mum was there and did it. Someone can seem to have it all but be completely broken inside and it doesn't matter who's around to help.

Weffiepops

So sorry to hear about your brother. He will have been in so much mental pain so just think of it that he's at leave now. That's all you can do

Fannia · 18/02/2020 07:11

Being suicidal is a mental health problem in itself and it's not really related to how bad your life is. There are people with terrible problems and chronic pain and yet they don't feel this way. On the other hand there are people with lives many of us would envy and yet they still want to end it all.
If you do feel suicidal the important thing is to get the right treatment and hopefully you will start to feel better.

Frownette · 18/02/2020 07:12

I'm a bit touchy about suicide this morning. I've been trying to detach from a man who is obsessive, pervy and I can't stand him now. He phoned last night whilst I was happy and with my family so I told him to sod off.

Then he sent a text near midnight saying he was going to kill himself. I instantly felt miserable and trapped again and just phoned for an ambulance. I'm nowhere near but I think I still would have done that if I'd been close by.

Hence conversation with nhs about he was breathing or not etc and I was angry and said how the hell would I know? I was 30 miles away

I did what I could but he made me miserable and I'm fed up of his manipulation. I'll phone his doctor this morning but I wish he'd fuck off, he's controlling and tries to trap me in rooms. We used to get on ok until he pushed it too far and kept trying to touch me. He's not even an ex.

Tableclothing · 18/02/2020 07:14

his handwriting is like a 4 year old. He can't tie his own shoe laces.

Has he ever been assessed for dyspraxia?

Fannia · 18/02/2020 07:15

@frownette you should call the police about this.

Frownette · 18/02/2020 07:19

@Fannia I wondered about a restraining order. I bet the manipulative little c*nt didn't do a thing.

headlicehelp · 18/02/2020 07:21

I was going to ask if your son could have dyspraxia, I see someone else thought the same.

Fannia · 18/02/2020 07:22

I think the police would at least listen to your concerns, trying to trap you in rooms and threatening suicide may be considered stalking.

Oblomov20 · 18/02/2020 07:40

I can't recall if I was ever suicidal. When I was a teen. I know I was miserable at one point, when my dad was never there.
Suicide is such a sad thing. The rates are up for teens aren't they? And our MH side of the NHS has been so neglected and stripped financially in the last decade, that it just can't cope. What a mess!

Sassanacs · 18/02/2020 07:58

I get it... prior to having any real responsibility or experienced real loss I always thought that ppl who committed suicide were selfish or weak. When ppl used to jump in front of trains on a Monday morning I'm ashamed to say I was one of those heartless fuckers that rolled my eyes and complained because my train would be late for work (London commute so quite a regular occurrence unfortunately).

However, now I am a mum and heading for 40. I've experienced a lot of tough times and particularly the last 5 years for me have been really hard. My once fairly tranquil life (and I worked hard to keep it that way) took a nose dive after a work related event and I've had one big knock after another. Anyway, this lead me to have to call the Samaritans on one occasion as I was uncomfortably close to ending things and the only reason I called them was because of my children. If I didn't have them I probably
would have made a serious attempt to end things.

Just having someone listen to me was enough to stop me, as that's what I lack. I have to keep everything bottled up and be the strong one all the time. I couldn't deal with living with that amount of stress, pain and mental exhaustion every day. Life is hard and I am a shadow of who I used to be. BUT I have to believe it will get better.

Sorry to hear your situation OP. I can't offer much advice except for the shoe lace tying. My son only learnt recently (he is 9) and that was by using a "my first" type book - shaped like a shoe with laces on the front. I sat with him and we practiced using this book, then he practiced on his own until he was confident enough to try on his trainers and when he did he got it right first time and now it's not an issue. It took about a week in total. I thought he would be angry with me for suggesting it but when I said no one else will know and you can practice in your own time, he shrugged his shoulders but took the book from me.

I didn't expect it to work tbh, but there was something about having the book right up on his lap and being able to see properly how the loops work that something clicked. Worth a try maybe although I understand your son is a few years older.

Nidy · 18/02/2020 13:39

Another suggestion to get your son assessed for dyspraxia- my 15 year old has terrible handwriting and he still struggles with shoe laces at this age. He was diagnosed with dyspraxia at the end of last year. Worth looking into - best of luck with everything

VeniceQueen2004 · 18/02/2020 13:55

When my mum killed herself I never questioned for a second her right to do so or her rationale. People often seemed surprised by this, expecting me to feel confused or angry with her, but I never was.

She was miserable most of her life, with appalling physical and mental health problems and black depression, had endured a string of abusive relationships, she didn't know how to be with others but dreaded being on her own, she was looking at a bleak financial future, she couldn't work or hope to ever be able to work, but was a WASPI so had longer than she'd expected to until state pension kicked in... Her life was fucking miserable and all the love and support I could give her wasn't enough to make it not so. I'm grateful she bore so much for so long to allow me to be born and to allow me time to know her, for all the difficulties.

People thought it was morbid/disrespectful that I didn't try to hide how she had died, that i chose for it to be mentioned in the tribute at her funeral even. But I didn't want to act like it was a shameful way to die. She wasn't a coward or a criminal. She fought her illness as hard as any cancer patient; in the end it overwhelmed her and she chose to allow herself to rest. I understand.

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt horribly and doesn't mean it didn't fuck me up. But that's not her fault.

Original poster

blubberball · 19/02/2020 05:30

VeniceQueen2004 So sorry to hear about your mum. It's so kind of you to be so understanding and proud of her.

Thank you so much for all of the replies and suggestions. My younger ds is dyspraxic, and I guess that his disabilities can sometimes mask what's going on with my older "nt" ds. My 12 year old can build Lego and Lego technic with speed and precision on his own. This is what makes me think that he has the digital dexterity when he puts his mind to something. My younger son struggles with the normal Lego, and I have to help him get dressed.

I have ordered the shoe shape book for young kids for him. If he complains that it's for babies, then I'll tell him that it should be easy for him right? Also, no one needs to know. Might help his younger brother too.

Take care everyone

OP posts:

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