Preferring babies to older children

[consideringchildren]

Have NC'ed for this.

I'm currently considering TTC. Great relationship, married for over a decade, bought a house last year etc. Finances aren't perfect but good enough to get by. Age wise I'm getting on a little but I have some health issues that have made it hard to try before now. I still have a chronic illness to contend with and am coming to terms with the idea of parenting even though I'm not 100%. My DH is healthy and responsible enough to share the workload of a child.

The problem is, I'm not sure if it's what I truly want. I love babies. I've become more and more broody recently. I love toddlers too, especially my nephew who I love to take care of. I get that 'feeling' when I hear a baby laugh or cry.

But I don't like preteens, or teenagers. I was bullied badly at school and teenage boys in particular terrify me. I know they're not all awful, but I worry. I had a rough relationship with my mother during my own teens and I was a bit of a mess myself. I think about my son or daughter hating me for no reason, causing trouble, becoming depressed like I can be sometimes. And the thought of adult children doesn't make me warm and fuzzy really - I think of a 25 year old still living at home because they can't afford to move out, things like that. What if they hate us, or we hate them?

Most people seem to say that they don't like babies or young kids, but got through that stage so they could have older children. I can imagine very happy Christmases with a baby or a young child, but not so much with a materialistic teenager who's competing with friends, or an adult child and their family.

Does this mean I'm not cut out for children at all? I have a nurturing personality when it comes to babies so I'm wondering if I'm odd for feeling 'meh' about an older family. DH longs for a baby and thinks an older teen or adult will be 'fine' but has also admitted he's never really thought about it before. Other people have said the same, and told me not to think about it. Surely I -should- think about it because having a child is long term? AIBU to 'overthink'? I don't want to have a baby because it's I'm hormonal and it's cute and then regret it.

If anyone had felt the same and then had children I'd like to hear your experiences... or experiences of lovely teens and adult children and why you adore them. Or reasons you love the idea of an older child! Thank you.

I think most people think ‘cute baby’ when they’re broody. I don’t think you’re unusual with that at all. I’ve got little ones and I can’t imagine them as teens at all but I’m enjoying each milestone and step of their development.

I have younger relatives in their teens. I am really proud of their accomplishments and enjoy spending time with them even if they have their sullen, moody moments. Other people’s teens are annoying but there is something special about having seen them grow and flourish. I imagine that is only intensified with your own children.

My brother was an adorable baby, precocious toddler, a stroppy but respectful teen, and is now one of the finest men I know. I have known him all his life ever since I was a teen and helped raise him. He does live with his parents at 25 but he owns the house, pays the bills, and ferries them about as required. This is the story of most of the kids in my family.

I was like this whilst pregnant with DS. Now he's here, I just enjoy 5h2 milestones and know he will be the most handsome young adult/teen!

You know this little person from birth, so them being a big person isn't scary when it happens because it's gradual. You won't wake up one day to a teenager without warning. I also know lots of kind and generous teenagers

I'm not a huge baby fan, but teens are all twats of some order or another so I don't blame you.
With regards to preteen and teen boys and bullying, I've found that since having children (mine are preschool age) you see everyone's DC differently. That 15 year old lad walking to school with his earphones in all surly? Someone's baby boy who not too long ago had to have his fruit cut up just so and had a favourite dinosaur t shirt. A friend's 10 year old son's model aeroplane was damaged (by my DD, felt terrible) and he cried. I was surprised, but absolutely shouldn't have been and it again challenged how I see boys/lads from my teenage days. One of the small but huge ways having DC can change your perspective.

You'll do great OP

When mine were babies I remember thinking ‘this is the best age’. I thought the same thing when they were toddlers, the same thing again when they started school, and the same thing now they’re looking to move up to secondary school. They are their own people, and it’s been the most amazing thing in my life to watch them grow more and more into ‘themselves’. I remember reading that your children are the most interesting people you’ll ever meet, which is so true.

I might rescind all this when they hits their teens, then again DSS is 16 and bloody lovely, so maybe not.

One word of caution. Over the years I have met 2 women who did genuinely prefer the baby/toddler stage. They are both very loving, very nurturing women, with a slight tendency towards being overbearing. I think in their cases there is a needy aspect to the love they ‘give’. One of them slightly scared me with her ‘once they start school you lose them’ type stories. It has not been my experience at all.

Thank you for the positive replies, this makes me feel a little more confident. As I said, I adore my nephew. It will be sad when he isn't tiny anymore but I'm not afraid of seeing him as a teen, I'm sure he'll be lovely so I guess it does make a difference when you know them and love them.

@WineIsMyCarb that's really sweet about the 10 year old, I think we can forget that boys have emotions too and should be allowed to show them especially at that age.

@SuperFurryDoggy regarding the word of caution - I know the type of person/parent you mean! To say you lose them at school is silly - surely not if you keep interacting with them and sharing with them. I have a relative who is pregnant with her second and she constantly talks about her toddler aged child saying that she's 'so sad to see him growing up' which is quite a strange thing... I think it was why she went for a second baby.

Babies are unthreatening blank canvases and, I believe, deliberately cute and cuddly to trick people into loving them and doing anything for them in spite of their appallingly antisocial behaviour! They might be sullen and testing in other ways, but the vast majority of those teenagers don't scream at you the minute they want something, stop you from getting any sleep, vomit over you every time they've just eaten and merrily sit there grunting before dispatching a horrendously stinky stream of poo in front of you - and then screaming again for you to clean it all up.

As PPs have said, a baby is the only age of person available to give birth to, so they're quite a leveller in that respect, but the scary teenagers you see are the results of other people's parenting after 13+ years. You can't guarantee how your teenager will turn out, but inasmuch as it's possible to mould them, that privilege and responsibility will have been fulfilled by you their parents and not by anybody else.

Parenting is strange in that you have 18 years during which your two conflicting jobs are to heavily influence their behaviour, bonding with them and showing them that you know best and must be obeyed whilst simultaneously bringing them up ready to leave and become fully independent of you and to make their own choices, the overwhelming likelihood being that you will not (physically) play any part at all during the last 25+ years of their lives.

There are loads of fantastic teenagers out there, but they don't get the publicity that the less desirable ones do (same as all of the many MILs and DILs who genuinely greatly love and care for each other and thus never appear on threads in AIBU).

I think, when trying/hoping to have a baby, it's very easy to think of isolated stages, but that's just not the whole picture at all. If you live a long life, you could end up the 100yo mother of a 75yo 'child' - and your relationship can be just as close with them as when you were 25 and they were a week old - just in a very different way, as both of your lives change gradually over the years.

There will undoubtedly be some bad times, but thankfully, very few people on their death beds will look at or think of their children and wish that they'd never had them; for most, they will view them as the intensely proud legacy that they leave behind.

What a lovely post @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I completely agree!

OP I know exactly what you mean. My dd turned 13 in December and the past year has been the hardest parenting i have ever had to do. You are right in that you never know how they will turn out, however cute they seem as little ones. Hopefully my dd will come through the tunnel one day, but the thought of years of this is very daunting. The teenage hormones have affected her in ways I wasn't expecting. That's all I can say..

I thought I only liked babies. I've never been a "kiddie" person and didn't really like children.

But then I had my own, and while they were very cute as babies, it was also very hard work and now I've come through the baby / toddler years I have absolutely zero desire to ever do it again. Found it so hard and I actually love the ages my DC are now (5 and 7). I still don't really like OTHER people's children but my own are great fun and I'm looking forward to them getting older as well.

Which I'd have been extremely surprised by if you'd told me that when I was TTC!

Nobody gets broody for a teenager 😂
Fortunately by the time they’re teenagers we’ve had all the lovely baby and toddlerhood memories to console ourselves.
You’re feelings seem totally normal to me.

I’m like you. I had both my children close together. After they hit three I realised that I don’t like children very much at all. Obviously I still love my children even if they’re no longer perfect little cherubs but I find it very stressful. I would still have them but I’m desperately hoping that the stressfulness will stop at some point.

I adore newborn babies...they make me feel so broody but I know it lasts an incredibly short time so it's not enough to make me have another!

I didn't want children at all when I got married, I just didn't like children. After 6yrs we changed our minds and we now have 2 DD’s. I still actively dislike the majority of other peoples children, there are a few exceptions, but I adore mine. I never thought I would feel like that. It's different for everyone but it doesn't mean you won't enjoy children beyond the baby stage.

My 4yo has agreed not to be a teenager, she says she will skip to 20 and not be moody at all. Fabulous!

I teach secondary and, in my experience, most teenagers are okay. They have periods where they’re hard work, but most of them are funny and curious and keen to build good relationships once you get past the grumpy exterior. I feel excited about having teenagers one day who I can watch as they become increasingly independent, and I love the idea of them all coming home for the holidays as young adults.

Still, I admit that I worry a lot about what my children will be like in the future. They are four (twins) and one now, and I’m keenly aware that the decisions we make about how we parent now could very well have long-term effects on their behaviour and how they deal with things when they’re older. They’re generally lovely and well-behaved, but we can’t really know if we’ve done it right until much later.

I guess that’s the thing about becoming a parent. It’s a big experiment, and once you know the outcome it’s not like you can go back and try it again with a different method.

I'd say it's different when the child is your own. You think they're the most awesome creatures every step of the way. Even if in reality they're a complete douche.

webuiltloved that post.

I generally don’t like other people’s children regardless of the age but love my own and each stage so far has had more positives than negatives to it.

i don't like anyone, but i do like my kids, even when i don't like them.

Very well put! @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

That pre-teen/teen will be your child who you have loved like no one else for years before they reach that age. You will be interested in and proud of what they do even if they annoy the shit out of you.

With your own children, you know them since birth, before even as there is that bonding before hand. You are their most powerful influence, yet they still have their own distinct personality. I love watching them develop and get better with age.

It's not always easy. DS1 in particular with high functioning autism, so doesn't always function well and has plenty of moments. But he's my child and I adore him, and it's my job to help him through his difficulties, and I understand why he has those difficulties. Then there's the moments when he really shines through; I recently had an injury which made it really difficult to walk/ hobble around for a couple of days and he was so caring and nuturing to me (along with DS2) and that's some of the investment I've put into him being repaid.

They're failible human beings, but motherhood is loving them as they are and shaping them to be their best (well trying...) with the insight of what has shaped them so far. You get a little bit of that with family and close friends, but not the full power of it. Your own children are very different to anyone elses.