AIBU to feel furious with OH

[TVaddict1982]

I don’t want people feeling sorry for me, but I have my fair share of health problems and I feel my OH completely belittles them. Almost as if he uses my health as a big joke and reason to take the P out of me to other people. He’s told family members, friends, midwives, and today the gym instructor, how bad I am at coping with pain.

I know others have far worse health problems, but day to day I cope with considerable body aches, some arthritis, eye disease that causes some double vision and the smallest amount of light can trigger unbearable headaches. I also seem to need much more sleep and just need to generally take better care of myself. Over the last few years I’ve ended up having five lots of surgery and have another one due this year. I’m honestly not complaining or asking for sympathy, but it does get me down that the severity of some of these things seems to be a big joke. He gets a skin reaction sometimes and believes it to be ‘the worst pain ever’ 🙄

Over the weekend I’ve had some really awful flu symptoms that actually had me moaning with pain. Not so much the fever, tiredness or cough/cold part, but I honestly felt like I’d been run over!! Went to the doctors today and I’ve got pneumonia. Doctor thought I’d done pretty well to last that long before going in as chest sounds awful.

But OH has been telling everyone ‘oh you should hear her, I’ve heard less pain on the battlefield’ ‘I’ve recorded her on my phone, never heard anything like it’ ‘no pain threshold at all’

Is he being a you-know-what? Or am I just being sensitive and in a bad mood because I feel so rubbish??

Thanks in advance!!

He's a pig.

He sounds hateful. Unkindness is a horrible quality to have, I can't believe someone hasn't pointed out to him that he's an utter knob.

People put others down to make themselves feel better. So what’s his problem? Why does he belittle you so he can appear like the big strong bloke?

What a prick. I had an ex like that. He was mummied by his mother who treated him like a little prince when he was younger so he wasn’t very understanding if anyone else was ill or suffering. But if he had man flu I was expected to run about with tea and sympathy. He’s an ex for a reason.

As someone with chronic pain and mental health issues, he sounds like an emotionally abusive ass. He should be supporting you, not belittling you. It sounds like he likes to down talk you to everybody and anyone. That is not right.

Those of us who have chronic pain have higher pain tolerance than most as we have it daily. It ups our tolerance as it’s never ending. We question when something really really hurts or when we feel bad how bad it is due to our ongoing battle.

To have an unsupportive partner is crap. He should not be talking about you in this manner. Whether it be as a “joke” or not, it’s not funny. It’s hurtful, mean and vindictive.

For a start, I diagnose him as an 'arsehole giganticus'.
Secondly, him posting about you is not acceptable - start calling him out by replying 'wow, you look after me quite well, but it seems that you don't believe me?'
Thirdly, LTB.

And prize prick of the day goes to your OH....
Awful man.

I was going to say, maybe, just maybe, he doesn't know how to react to your pain and deals with this through "humour"... but he's telling other people and making videos so I think he's an abusive arse.
Tell him to fuck off.
That will be one less pain in your life.

YANBU- You have pneumonia!

It’s totally reasonable for you to tell him you won’t tolerate any jokes at your expense on any topic (particularly your health). Does he not understand how hurtful he’s being?

Sorry OP. He sounds vile

Either vile or deeply insecure and makes himself feel better pointing out your perceived weaknesses.

Either way maybe you need to call him out on it, tell him to buck his ideas up or push off. xx

How does he know what your pain threshold is?!

Dear god you have pneumonia, I had it last year and I know how awful it is. The difference is that my OH took loving care of me and never mocked me or minimised my suffering. Your OH is an arse. What you described doesn't sound like the actions of a loving partner.

Have you ever asked him why he's like this? I just wonder how he rationalises his dickishness to himself.

Tbh if my friend or relation's OH spoke about my friend/relation in this manner I'd call him out on it every time. Does no-one challenge him at all? Is he an ex-army type, full of bluster and overbearingly opinionated? He sounds obnoxious.

Hope you feel better soon. I'd be re-thinking the relationship when you're better, he's not really bringing anything to the table is he?

He's not handling things very kindly. Is he nasty in other ways? If so I'm agreeing with others who say he isn't much of a partner. But if not, I wonder if this is because he doesn't really know how to cope well with a partner who needs a fair amount of care?

I'm not saying it's OK he does it, it isn't. I'm saying if he loves you and he just doesn't know a better way to handle the constant adjustments, trying to get people to accommodate without coming on too strong, dealing with his own stress, resentment building up, etc. the way to deal with this may be to have a sit-down talk so you are clear that you find it upsetting and unfair and find him some support that will help him advocate for you and deal with the impact on him.

He sounds awful.

Well done Hmmmwhatsthat - he is indeed ex-army...

YANBU - but, perhaps, him being like that is partly a cackhanded way of reassuring you that you're not about to die and partly because, yes, he's experienced some awful things where people with terrible injuries haven't made as much noise - because they were actually dying?

I've had pneumonia. It's horrible. I've had the feeling like I've been run over by a bus repeatedly. I've had that tiredness and pain that runs so deep that you feel like death would be a welcome release. But I've never been shot or had my leg blown off (obviously).

I've also heard people screaming the place down because they've grazed their knee (and not because they've five years old), whilst people with broken bones have been quiet, calm and speaking normally. It's why my training in one job said 'If they're screaming, they're fine. Check on the quiet ones'.

Does he actually love you? He doesn’t behave like he does...

He sounds like a tosser.
Tell him to stop or otherwise he thinks it’s ok

I can guarantee every single person who hears him doing this thinks he's an arsehole. So presumably that's pretty much everyone you know. Give that some serious thought.

A lot of the responses are flying off the handle as usual. Talk to him about it. You said he’s a “good nurse”. Maybe Making fun/joking about you making a meal of things could be his way of mentally coping with having a partner who is in near constant/pain discomfort. Perhaps it’s easier for him psychologically to play the caring role to a “drama queen” than be OH to someone in constant pain. Maybe it’s his way of dealing with his role. Not saying it’s the right way to deal with it, but I wouldn’t say it necessarily means he doesn’t care. You need to discuss it with him.

theres laughing then theres recoding someone to play to everyone so you can mock them