AIBU - I want to move House

[XYZ5unsh1ne]

When my Partner and I got together we agreed I’d move into his Bachelor Flat for five years. That was 16 years ago.

Lots of things have happened. We’ve weathered many storms. I’ve been out of work for a long time due to ill health.

He’s happy I’m a full time Homemaker. I do lots of volunteering in the community.

His Career is on a steady upward trajectory. He’s just been promoted again. I’m happy. I love he’s so successful.

Here’s the rub :: I want to move! I’ve always hated his Bachelor Flat. I’ve made it a lovely home. But it’s still his poky grotty ex -Council Flat.

Our Mortgage is £300pcm. He clears £5k a month.

I want a Garden. A Garage. Stairs! I want a home. Not a grotty Flat on a Council Estate with Junkies in the Lift.

I don’t work. Do I have a say? Am I a greedy bitch?

His colleagues live in beautiful houses. They invite us for Dinner. We can’t invite them back. Am I being unreasonable?!

What has he said when you’ve brought it up?

Of course you have a say - the fact you’re even wondering whether you do is telling!
Of course if you don’t work and aren’t married and he isn’t willing to move there’s not much you can do except get a job and move into your own place. Why aren’t you married?

So you're completely financially dependent on him but not married? That's a precarious position to be in, OP. Is your name on the deeds of the flat?

We’re married.

@Sparklesocks he has NO INTENTION of moving. He does not want a bigger Mortgage. If I’m not paying 50% I have no say in the matter. If his colleagues judge us on where we live, he doesn’t want them as friends. Etc. Etc.

You’re married? Wow, from the way you’re talking it came across like you’re just co-habiting partners. Of course you have a say in whether you move....this is worrying!

Divorce him and get 50% of the money from the flat, then get a job and get your own place?

Or at least threaten to do that if he won’t discuss your feelings. Who on earth would want to live in a shithole with junkies in the lift?

• if they don’t have to/can afford not to

P.S.
Taking myself out of the equation for a moment. (Perhaps playing ‘Devils Advocate’)

Taking a view of the way Property prices in the south of England have increased over the last few years - surely a larger Mortgage is a smart investment?

I would totally want to move, in fact no idea how you have lasted there so long! If he is attached to the flat could you keep it and let it out as an investment and buy your dream home? The rental income should cover some of the extra mortgage on your new house! Definitely you should get a say too!

How is the rest of his salary spent? There sounds like plenty of scope for a bigger mortgage without feeling too much pinch.

What might be his levers? The incentive of property being a good investment for the future? Being able to host parties or bbqs? Relax quietly or play loud music (detached house), have a dog, grow veg, have space for children or hobbies?

And obviously the factor that you care about it and he did agree to moving when you first moved in.

Discuss all of this. Ask him about his preferences, make some lists, look and the drawbacks of living at Grotsville Towers. See if you can get him to agree to looking at finances and to get the flat valued. And then, of course, get some ideas for viewing some properties.

Good luck.

@MatildaTheCat thank you. I’ve had the Flat valued. We’ve got £200K equity. The remainder of his Salary goes into Savings, Pension and lovely holidays. I’m not fussed about holidays. I’d much rather have mates round for a BBQ!

Does he really want to live there forever? Is it "just" a matter of him not wanting to spend more money, or does he love the flat for some bizarre reason? Wanting to live within your means is great, but it does sound like he's being frugal to a fault.

I second MatildatheCat's advice.

If there are junkies hanging about, surely it's not his ideal location. Maybe he needs to be convinced that you're financially secure enough to move up the ladder.

Yes you have a day and no you're not being greedy

But he's said no? Says he has no intentions? Where do you go from there do you think because we can't tell you that

I need to set out a Budget and a Plan. Don’t I?

Of course you have a say. Just because you don’t work doesn’t mean you have less say.

I’m a stay at home parent, my partner works and we own our home. All decisions are joint.

Is there a reason he doesn’t want to move? Do you think he feels a little attached to the flat?

Sounds like moving will benefit you! Bring it up with him!

Of course you have a say. But yes put a budget together and pick out some examples on right move. Sell him the dream (work your charms if you have to!). Are you planning on having a family? Would that sway it for him?

Are there children involved @ADJ1151 & @XYZ5unsh1ne ? If not and you are both 'homemakers' while you dh's work and bring in all the money I can see why they would be less likely to take your thoughts into account. Maybe contribute a bit more to give you more solid ground, god forbid but if your relationship did end you would financially be incredibly unstable.

My apologies @ADJ1151 I see you are a sahm

If he says that 'unless you pay 50% you have no say' it sounds pretty clear that he's not happy with you being the homemaker.

Ask him if he’s seriously suggesting that you have no say over where you live for the rest of your life.

He’s being stingy and lazy tbh

YANBU