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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to talk about this with friend anymore ?

14 replies

Username109876 · 17/02/2020 16:31

I'm not one for banning topics of conversation, but this continues to make me uncomfortable and I don't agree with it at all.

My friend has been pursuing a taken guy at the gym for a few months now, he's a personal trainer.
They live abroad so I have never met this guy, but he's apparently been with his girlfriend for a few years and lives together.

My friend constantly has 'evidence' that he likes her, I.e. Touching her leg when he doesn't touch others', giving her compliments.
She had a house party and he came alone and was apparently flirty, and theyve been for drinks alone together a couple of times.

I'm not interested in whether he does like her or not, the situation is just cruel to his girlfriend. I've been cheated on/dumped for someone else twice and I know others who have, it's utterly horrible.

I've already told my friend what i think and why it's wrong, she says she understands but wants to be selfish for once and think of herself.

She always has 'clues' that he isn't that into his girlfriend such as he 'never sees her or posts photos with her' apparently.

They were supposed to meet for tennis or something this week and now the guy has texted her saying that his girlfriend loves tennis and can she come too.

My friend has taken it to mean that the girlfriend is jealous and wants to meet my friend to see if anything is going on (which I can understand !)

Now she's sent me screenshots of a convo between her and another girl where they are saying the girlfriend will be the 'third wheel' and laughing, saying that she's clearly jealous and that they will 'probably break up soon.'

It's so cruel and makes me so angry. I actually just said to my friend that it must be very hard for the girlfriend and that i hope she meets someone else.

My friend is being so selfish and I know i can't force her, it's her life etc but, should I just tell her that I don't want to hear about this again ? Part of me even wonders why i'm friends with her still.

OP posts:

Original poster

Username109876 · 17/02/2020 16:32

It's also possible that the guy just likes the ego boost or is trying to keep her as a client. I don't want my friend to get hurt but what she's doing is horrible. She couldn't care less about the other girl.

OP posts:

MRex · 17/02/2020 16:34

You aren't compatible with her because she doesn't have a similar moral code to yours. You don't have to stay friends with anyone who you don't actually like, just be busy and she'll drift away. (And who knows if this guy even fancies her, she may have misread it all along!)

QueenOfOversharing · 17/02/2020 16:38

I would be honest & day "I don't feel comfortable talking about this guy or hearing it, so can you just share it with someone else". If she gets arsey or doesn't stop, then you'd need to be stronger with drawing boundaries. It might mean you end up not seeing her, at least until it doesn't happen.

I went through this with someone & my opinion of them went down the drain.

DancingWithAStranger · 17/02/2020 16:40

This exact post word for word has already be done months ago, how very strange ?!?!?

Nowayorhighway · 17/02/2020 16:42

I fell out with a good friend because she started shagging her married boss, he also had a young child. She was convinced he would leave his wife for her because the marriage was so unhappy and sexless (don’t they all say this) and she seemed to live in fantasy land talking about being a step-mother to his daughter etc. He did actually leave his wife in the end which surprised me to no end but I just thought it was cruel of my friend really so couldn’t be around her anymore.

You have differing moral codes, end the friendship.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 17/02/2020 16:42

I'd stop the friendship and explain I can't have friends with such shitty morals. I've been cheated on and it really affected me, I wasn't myself for years. I won't be around people who think it's ok to behave so disgustingly.

Original poster

Username109876 · 17/02/2020 16:43

I may just have to say that, and true we are not compatible in that way. She's someone who doesn't think cheating is always black and white, whereas I do. It's a shame really, but if i support this it makes me just as bad I think.

OP posts:

Original poster

Username109876 · 17/02/2020 16:45

Yeah exactly, the excuse is always that they are unhappy 🙄

OP posts:

izzywizzygood · 17/02/2020 16:57

I would be sympathetic to your friend - it's possible the man is just being friends with her (he does in fact think she's great, but as a friend), and yeah, maybe they have great chemistry, but he's bringing the GF along to tennis in which case he's still into his GF relationship wise and not your friend. He's given the wrong impression to your friend, she will end up hurt. Be there for her. Men want the female attention and don't care who gets hurt. And they do this all the time. He's leading her on, definitely. Please don't blame your friend for this. If she has been lead to believe his relationship with the GF is on the rocks, then she's probably thinking she's not doing anything wrong. I've seen this happen a lot, and it 10 out of 10 times starts with the men.

TARSCOUT · 17/02/2020 17:01

It's bad enough as it is and I would tell her in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to hear anything about it and stop her any time she started talking about it. If they did proceed into a relationship then to be honest I'd dump her as a friend. Harsh but I'm nearly 50, I don't have room in my life for people like this any more.

Flufferbum · 17/02/2020 17:09

OP If it makes you feel any better I’m in the same moral dilemma. Friend slept with a married man (she apparently didn’t know at the time - genuinely believe she didn’t) he’s now saying he will leave his wife and child, move 3 hours away to be with her, and she thinks he’s the best thing to come into her life. She keeps sending me screenshots of what he has said etc etc. I really don’t give a fuck, and I think she would feel differently had she had experienced a adult relationship, but because she hasn’t I genuinely don’t think she gets how bad this situation is. I’ve actually said to her that I love her but I can not condone her behaviour and simply do not want to know, but then she will text urgently requesting my support for her time of need. I love her dearly and she’s not this much of an arsehole normally has high morals in life, though very low standards. So I hear you, I hear you loud and clear. I’m not prepared to cut her off. As a joke I have said she would t be allowed in a room just her and my DP though!

Original poster

Username109876 · 17/02/2020 17:10

I don't want my friend to get hurt, but she doesn't care about the girlfriend either. I hope she just finds someone who's single, I told her it would be much less complicated than breaking up a relationship, but she said that 'every situation is complicated, single or not.' I think that's just an excuse but whatever.

It's possible the man just likes the ego boost. I've said to her, if he's able to do that to his girlfriend, do you really want someone like that ? But she says it doesn't mean he will do it to her too.

OP posts:

DrivingMsCrazy · 17/02/2020 17:21

This exact post word for word has already be done months ago, how very strange ?!?!?

This is a massive forum with millions of members. It's really not that unusual that there would be a second post about a friend's relationship with a taken man out of the hundreds of threads posted per day.

I think your friend is utterly deluded and will find out fairly quickly the guy is being nice cos she's a client/likes a flirt/likes an ego boost but if he's bringing the GF along he's getting cold feet, drawing a boundary and she can't see it!

Original poster

Username109876 · 17/02/2020 17:28

Sadly it's not uncommon for people to have this 'bit on the side' for a nice little ego boost.
My friend insists that the girlfriend is inviting herself because she's jealous and wants to see if something is going on, although sometimes we tend to believe the version of things we want to believe.

I think if this were the case, the man would find an alternative time for them to meet alone, or would lie about what he's doing to his girlfriend.

OP posts:

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