To be upset that MIL told DM something personal about me...

[ConstantlyPanicking]

Hi everyone, hopefully I can make this a shortened down version so as not to go on too long...

October 2018 I had an 'episode' where I hugely struggled with my mental health, and got admitted to hospital to see the mental health team as I was feeling like I didn't want to be here. My DP and MIL are the only ones who know about this because he called her at the time for her support in which she was amazing, she really helped me through it at the time and now I'm in a much better place, have come off of the medication I was put on.

My DM would have usually been the one to support me through anything similar to this, but she has moved across the country and now lives around 3 hours away. Another note to add is that for almost my whole life she has battled depression and anxiety, and I have gone through a number of her episodes where she has made suicidal attempts. The reason I hadn't told her at the time was because she was at a particularly low point and I didn't want to add to any anxiety and worry she had, especially with her being so far away.

It had been agreed that I didn't want anyone to know about what had happened because its a very personal experience and as I'm sure a lot of people here will know, its not something that everyone can always understand.

Anyway...fast forward to now. Some personal things have been going on between DP, and I've now found out that MIL and DP have been having conversations between themselves and MIL has told DM about my 'episode'. My own DM is now not talking to me because she is hurt and feels betrayed that she feels like last to know.

AIBU to feel upset/angry/hurt/betrayed myself about this?

Yes!!!! I had a similar issue where my mum was broadcasting health issues of mine despite me asking her not to many times. Now she hears very little unless I don’t care if others know. It was not her place to tell. And certainly not something to be discussed with others! I assume you had asked her to keep it to herself? Not that she should be telling regardless. I can see why your mum is hurt in a way, but it’s not about her or her feelings either so she shouldn’t be ignoring you that’s wrong!!!

Are you sure MIL understood that your DM was included in the people who don't know and therefore you can't discuss it with them category? I'd start there. Sorry this is happening but it doesn't sound as though there's anything of malicious intent on anyone's part, therefore I'd assume good intentions and possible misunderstanding.

YANBU. She had no right. How did it come about that she did it?

Ofcourse! You asked for confidentiality and she broke it. Your DM is also over reacting because somewhat because you can choose who to tell about any issue you may have. However I do see why DM is upset as would I, simply as mum I would like to have known and helped you through it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Meant ofcourse not! You are NOT being unreasonable🙈

Perhaps your DM feels she can’t talk to you because she is worried you needed to cut her out (understandably) when it happened. She may be embarrassed, hurt, worried and just not know how you want her to behave?

At the time when it was happening I was obviously not in a good way, and quite literally begged her not to tell DM for the reasons I said above, she said at the time that she totally understood why I didn't want to mention it and said it would be between us. Even in month after the event we spoke about the fact I didn't feel it was the right time to talk to her about it and she got it. It's not come up in conversation for so long because i'm in such a different place now, so I was so surprised to learn that she thought it okay to bring it up?...

It was private and should have been confidential. It depends why she chose to share it though, have you spoken to her?
I understand why your mum is hurt although I don’t think she’s responding very well.

You just need to find a way of talking to them, as painful as that might be, if you want to repair the damage. It sounds as though you have a lot of love and care for them both.

It might be different if your MIL has done it for one-upmanship though, would that seem likely?

I would be very annoyed at this. Whether I was able to move on would depend on the context in which your DM was told. Did your MIL accidentally tell her by referring to it without thinking or did she intentionally tell her? If she told her intentionally then did she have a legitimate reason to tell her (Eg: if she was worried about you?)

@Herocomplex I think my gut feeling is to be worried about that, the whole one-upmanship....I hadn't ever expected it to be like that but she's massively competitive in other ways. I don't want to think that's the case but at the moment struggling to help it.

How do I approach this with both of them?

If be annoyed with my MIL and my mother. Why is she acting like a child instead of supporting you?

You are rightly furious with your mil. I think your dh should approach her to find out why she has betrayed your confidence in her. Your dm is hurt and will probably come round, but it’s very unhelpful that her feelings of being kept out of the loop are making you feel bad! Up to you to give her space or explain your reasons for not wanting her to know.

Ultimately, mil needs to apologise on bended bloody knee. She has betrayed a very specific confidence and was wrong to do so.

Your mum nerds to know you were trying to spare her worry.

Your MiL needs to know you'll never trust her again.

Why isn't your DH telling her?

I do understand why you’re upset but that was a big secret for your MIL to keep from your own mother and I wouldn’t judge her too harshly.

Secrets do have a way of oozing out eventually.

@ConstantlyPanicking YANBU. I’d be very upset as well. Do you know exactly what your MIL said to your mum? For instance, did she relay the concern about your mum being low at the time and if so, hopefully it was said with care and not spite?

This sucks. I’m sorry and fingers crossed this goes well for you. Maybe also speak with your official mental health support people to help you navigate this.

I’d be furious. I’d be quite straight with her that it was a betrayal of trust.

(Don’t “call her out” though or “lose your shit in Asda” like posters often do here).

Some personal things have been going on between DP
It sounds as though ^ this is more relevant tbh. It sounds as though you're looking for an argument with your MIL to avoid addressing the things that are going on with you and your DP.
It could be that MIL thought you weren't telling your DM at the time because she was low. She might not have realised you were never going to tell your DM. She's told your DM now. It can't be undone. I'd focus on building bridges with your DM rather than having an argument with your DMIL and DP.

I’d concentrate on your mum first, explain why, tell her you’re really sorry she’s struggling with it but at the time you found it really hard. It wasn’t that you shared it with MIL, that was your DH. Did you find it hard to make decisions when you were ill? Did you want to put it behind you once the crisis was over?

As others have suggested maybe let your DH speak to his mother.

Above all protect your wellbeing, take it slowly, don’t let others lead you places you don’t want to go.

For me the why would be a huge factor in how angry I'd be with MIL. Was she gossiping/meddling or trying to help?

YANBU.

Why would she do that is the question.
It's a terrible betrayal.

Your own mother needs to get a grip...not speaking to you because even though you were seriously ill, you were still trying to protect her.

Sounds like you have been the parent in your relationship with your mother....which is NEVER good.

You need to ask exactly what has occurred and most of all you need to mind yourself.