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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive ex, new partner

26 replies

grincheux · 17/02/2020 12:58

AIBU, and what would you do?

'People you may know' on Facebook threw up a doozy over the weekend: an ex's new girlfriend. I only knew because her profile picture was the pair of them together. Because I'm a nosey bugger, I had a little look at her profile and can also see she has two young children.

This ex was physically, psychologically and financially abusive ten years ago. He's known to the police. I don't give a hoot about him, but I'm concerned that he's now around a potentially unsuspecting lady and her kids. He had an explosive temper and couldn't control his outbursts, physically and otherwise.

Would you feel you have a duty of care to a stranger and find a way to tell her, or leave well alone because it's none of my business and he might have changed?

OP posts:
Firsttimemumofone · 17/02/2020 13:30

Tricky one. I understand the desire to want to tell her - the thing that makes me pause is that you said it was 10 years ago. He may be a different man to the one you knew (here's hoping!).
Ultimately, you cannot warn every woman he ever gets with. Plus, he could easily spin it as 'a crazy ex getting jealous'. It really isnt worth it to worry yourself over it - leave the idiot in the past and have a happy future ignoring his existence!

Harriett123 · 17/02/2020 13:43

I would be inclined to warn her.
You can send a message on Facebook state facts without getting personal.
Also if he has been reported to the police then she can use Claire's law ( for domestic abuse cases) and or claire's law ( for child abuse cases). I've never used these laws but my understanding is that if she requests the information she will be informed that he has a history of domestic violence meaning it's not just your word.
I say this because I would want to know even if it was 10 years ago I dont think people change that much he might just be better at hiding it.

CalmdownJanet · 17/02/2020 13:45

After 10 years rightly or wrongly I wouldn't be bringing that trouble back to my door so no I wouldn't say anything

user15783478064 · 17/02/2020 13:50

All he has to say is "crazy ex" and she'll ignore you. And nobody wants to believe the man they love is an abuser.

Would you be at risk yourself by getting involved?

Cherrysoup · 17/02/2020 13:59

Would he come up on Clare’s Law?

Original poster
grincheux · 17/02/2020 14:09

Thank you everyone. No, I don't think I'd be at risk again, he doesnt know where I live and I pretty much have a lovely new life.

Another of his girlfriends (after me) got in touch with me a few years ago to ask about what had happened because I was 'the crazy ex' until he'd thrown her down a flight of stairs and started stalking her after she ended it.

OP posts:
Original poster
grincheux · 17/02/2020 14:16

I'm not sure if he'd come up under a Clare's Law disclosure. I don't think he has a criminal record, but I like to think he'd still be on databases for his involvement in incidents even if he wasnt arrested.

OP posts:
fairgame84 · 17/02/2020 14:20

Leave it. She probably won't believe you anyway.

Trahira · 17/02/2020 14:23

I would personally find a way to send her a very calm, factual message. She may well ignore it but I would feel that I'd done the right thing.

SamBee1 · 17/02/2020 14:24

"Would you feel you have a duty of care to a stranger and find a way to tell her, or leave well alone because it's none of my business and he might have changed?"

Yes. You mentioned physically abusive, and she has 2 young children. For this reason I could not imagine NOT warning her. Because if anyone was that woman, they'd want someone to tell her.

And yes, i'd agree that he could write it off as 'crazy ex'. Do you have any mutual friends who would tell them? Or somehow make it anonymous?

Make it clear that she has a responsibility to check www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/daa/domestic-abuse/alpha/request-information-under-clares-law/

Just seen your last post - can you go back and speak to the other ex-girlfriend for support? In this case i'd be asking 101, or social services for advice. Also very sorry as this isn't easy for you.

PumpkinP · 17/02/2020 14:25

Just leave it. My ex was abusive physically and emotionally. I would never seek out future girlfriends to “warn them”

Scotsrule · 17/02/2020 14:26

If you know her name and whereabouts I would perhaps report to social services. They will have the ability to complete a police check on him and follow up with her if he presents a risk to the children. Your name would be kept out of it then.

I would also suggest blocking her on Facebook. If you have no mutual friends I’m pretty sure that means she has looked at your profile, so you will now show on hers.

lanthanum · 17/02/2020 14:36

I would also suggest blocking her on Facebook. If you have no mutual friends I’m pretty sure that means she has looked at your profile, so you will now show on hers.

Of course it is faintly possible that she has concerns about his behaviour, and is wondering if it's just a one-off or her fault, and was looking to see if there was anyone around who might confirm her fears.

Original poster
grincheux · 17/02/2020 14:45

Wow, we definitely have two schools of thought here! I can see where she works on Facebook. Maybe an anonymous letter addressed to her there might be an option. The ex would then also have several options as to who might've written it given that he's a serial perpetrator. It's her kids I worry about.

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 17/02/2020 14:54

I remember my DSis feeling like this when she heard that her abusive ex had a new partner. (Her best friend's DH is her ex's best mate.) This was years later when my DSis was very happy with her lovely second DH and their DC.

It's definitely a tricky one. My DSis didn't get involved, and rightly so IMO, she had enough going on in her life at that time.

elliebe13 · 17/02/2020 16:13

I would report to social services personally.

Scotsrule · 17/02/2020 16:26

It's her kids I worry about.

If this is the case then an anonymous letter to her will have no bearing, and again may be written off as a ‘crazy ex’. If your name shows up in her ‘People you may know’ it won’t be too hard to put the pieces together and you are then putting yourself at risk.

Social Services is your best bet here, they will follow it up if you give them the name of your ex they will police check and follow up with her if they are concerned about him having contact with the kids.

Original poster
grincheux · 17/02/2020 17:47

Ok, a referral to social services sounds like a sensible option. I only have this lady's name (and her childrens' names, courtesy of weird ex posting a photo and naming them all on Facebook with no privacy settings) - no address or anything. Has anyone referred to SS before and know what they ask for?

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 17/02/2020 19:46

Did you ever report any of it? I just don’t see what Ss would do and think it will just seem malicious

Original poster
grincheux · 17/02/2020 20:14

I called NSPCC for advice and they were dismissive and made me feel every inch the crazy ex girlfriend. Sigh. They said they can't refer it to SS because it's based on assumption. I just know that if I was in a new relationship with someone who'd historically been a danger to people, I'd want to know about it.

OP posts:
LettyFisher · 17/02/2020 20:17

From experience op
You’ll
Be branded the crazy ex:

I tried to do it with a woman that had a baby. I knew it had happened to her before me (he had gone back to her) but she still denied it and called me a liar. When forced to admit it she said I deserved it

There’s no logic to people with children sticking with someone like this. But you will just be the crazy ex.

PumpkinP · 17/02/2020 20:18

Well I’m not surprised tbh. My ex was violent as I said and according to ss he should be having contact as it’s in the children’s best interest Hmm it’s was 10 years ago and tbh I doubt anyone ss or otherwise can stop him having a relationship with a woman with children especially since he hasn’t actually committed any crime against children

CakeandCustard28 · 17/02/2020 20:23

I wouldn’t. You do sound like the crazy ex girlfriend. I know what he did to you was wrong, but it was ten years ago people do and can change. It’d be a different story if you was aware he was beating her though and wanted to report her.

Original poster
grincheux · 17/02/2020 20:27

Thank you everyone. I'll leave it. It feels wrong but as so many have pointed out, it's not like I'd be believed anyway.

OP posts:
Sockmonster23 · 17/02/2020 21:15

I wish someone has told me. 2 kids later I am in a hell of a court battle and emotionally and psychologically battered.

Saying that I don't know if I would have listened to an ex? He was so wonderful and charming not physically abusive but very very much emotionally. He would punch things and look at me. Tell me he would destroy me asked me if I wanted to be hit just for asking him not to kick me out because I interfered in the disciplining of our kids and asked him not to scream at our toddler. How dare I? 🙄 however he could charm him way back in and was convincing. I was hooked.

I guess you drop an anonymous note and tell her not to ignore red flags and please please get away at first sign of trouble. Do not leave the kids with him either. It will plant a seed. He may have changed but my ex I was told was like it with all his exes. If only one had told me. At least I wouldn't have ignored red flags or doubted myself and blamed myself..

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