Kids but no extended family, at all

[wintereve]

I’m quite old (40) and would like to have children.

Haven’t yet established how - adoption is a possible option.

What worries me is that I don’t have an extended family - is that unfair on the child? Or is it a case that actually it’s nice for the child to have but not essential.

Be honest, but kind!

Not especially essential imho.

Not essential at all really. Nice to have, but not essential.

Not essential. I have extended family but they aren't involved.
I think they'd be handy for childcare, I get envious of friends who can shower /have a night out, but I don't feel like my children are missing out on anything.

I have no family whatsoever due to NC. I have a great group of very close friends and their children who have grown up alongside my children and are like their family. We’re very happy. What other support networks do you have?

I have extended family and we are NC. So no, not essential and even if you have it doesn't always work out.

I was not in touch with any extended family bar grandparents (contact was fairly minimal due to family feud). It was fine. It would have been nice to have other family, especially cousins of siblings but not essential. The only thing I would say though is that it would be very unfair to burden a child with an aging parent with no support network (I speak from experience here). If you are going to do this please make sure that you have made adequate provision for your retirement and aged care as well as taking good care of your health.

When you go through the adoption process you will be asked about the extended family and what support you have eg family and friends. So it is definitely relevant. The social workers also interview a sample of family and friends.

What people would you have around you?

Extended family is not important for a happy child x Support for you though will be important and you need to consider this.

Have you got a close-knit group of friends? Any support at all?

Maybe adopting a sibling set so that they have each other would be an idea? I haven’t a clue tbh but you’ll get informed and professional advice from social services if you pursue this option.

I think that extended family is desirable but if you’re taking a lucky child/children out of the care system it becomes less important in the grand scheme of things. Although in that scenario I’d worry about you more than the child - who’d be looking after you when/if things get tough?

We are in the same town as DH's immediate family (5 adults) and they've been as much use as a chocolate teapot in D's 8 years! Wellness altogether and the cousins will play, but as they get older (7 kids ranging 8-18) they have less in common.
My family would help out but I live overseas.
Growing up I saw my cousins once every couple of years, then not for ten or so due to family arguments, and we moved a lot (military). When we do meet up its nice, but it's like meeting old co-workers. Nice people, up for a laugh. I have 9 cousins, in FB contact with two, one I've never met, two I haven't seen for 10+ years then they emigrated to Australia, one has been N C with the whole (huge) family for as long as I can remember. That's just one side of my family!and

DS has friends over most days, or he goes to their houses after school. He has sleepovers, we meet other friends (who go to a different school) on the beach at the weekend, he has other friends who he does sports with. He makes friends very easily. He's still happy to have a day at home playing minecraft/lego/cars, crafting, boardgames, film night.

Big extended families aren't the be all end all. DS has NEVER asked for a sibling (although he has a 4-pawed sister ) and the relationship with my sibling has always been dodgy and we're mid-40s.

I am not sure about adoption but I know someone who went through sperm donation and early in the process they did ask about family support which she had in bucket loads. I don't know if it was more to suss out whether she had people to help her or whether she had negativity regarding the process around her. Either way it was mentioned but I don't think it was the be all end all.

I hope 40 isn’t old, I’ll be there in 8 years!

I’m NC with all but one of my biological family members. My son is adopted (in family adoption), my only bio family member moved abroad last month.

It’s mainly just me and him, we do okay, as it is mainly just us he has to be very portable and I will generally take him anywhere I go. Whether thats work, Glastonbury, the Brits, Rugby world cup, doctors, dentist etc.

It’s half term this week, he broke his arm on Friday so that means most plans for the week are cancelled as they were sports based. So today he’s at work with me, I only work in a small office and he’s very well behaved so it isn’t a problem.

I would say though that family is something you make, it isn’t something you’re born into. I have a mum, so my son has a grandma, there isn’t any shared DNA between us, but that doesn’t matter. She isn’t however particularly local so one off childcare can’t be done by her.

I have a good group of friends, only one is a parent, but they’re generally good if I do need them. My closest friend will have my son tomorrow so he doesn’t have to come to work with me. My boyfriend will have him on Wednesday. You have to ask for favours, the worst thing someone can do is say no.

Do things that give you free time, my son when he is snapped into bits does rugby tots, a swimming lesson and a dance class once a week. Unless it’s a badge day etc I don’t watch him and get a bit of me time at the gym.

I don’t know any different, so theres no big extended family for me or my son to miss.

The critical part is a close loving relationship with a primary carer.

Just a few friends winter, I did have a feeling that might be prohibitive to me adopting

TREAT! Fgs, I’ve addressed myself!

We have extended family, but not in a practical position to be supportive with child raising.

It can certainly be done without that support, but it can be more complex to shoulder that responsibility alone, particularly for child care and work arrangements. School holidays are a tough one to manage on your own.

Some extended family can be more of a hinderence than doing it alone though!