Private schooling?

[LunaHardy]

I have a ds from previous relationship, aged 13, who is very bright and has done very well so far at public schools. He's happy where he is and has a good friendship group. I have a 2 year old dd with my husband and over the last couple of years we have become more financially stable and expect it to stay that way. We have discussed schooling for dd and he has said he would like for her to go to private school. Would I be unreasonable to send her given that my ds didn't have the same opportunity?

Yes.

Will your wages pay fees for the 2 year old's fees? If not then go ahead.

By public you mean state not very posh private school right?

Yes

Yanbu

Just plug money into developing the skills your ds didnt get. Extra curricular etc.

I would be open with the 13 year old about it when the time comes - it will absolutely cross his mind so better it be with you than without.

If I were you, I'd pay for his university education in lieu (if you also pay for your daughter, then this wouldn't work). This wouldn't exactly close the gap, but it's a good gesture.

YWNBU. My friend and I went to private school. Her parents bought things for her older brother in lieu, like a car.

Your dh wants to give his dd the best start he can. It isn’t fair for your to say no as it’s his dd too and he has a 50% say in his dd’s education. However, as a mother, I totally understand why you want to be fair to both of your children. Is it an option for ds to move to a private school for sixth form? I say this as you say he’s happy and settled In his current school and wouldn’t want to move.

Sorry - isn’t public private school? Maybe I’m getting confused.

Can you pay for you Ds to go private for y12 and y13? Tbh I think that would make more of a difference than Reception/y1 at a private school (I know senior school is much pricier)

@shinyredbus sorry I wrote without checking. I mean my ds goes to state school.

Speak to your son about it and maybe even them out in another way, what others have said about private for sixth form and paying uni fees may help even it out :)

However I think it would be unreasonable if you gave dd a leg up and financially invested in her future and not ds in some other way. Xxx

We of course it is fine. Financial situations change over time and this child's father wants it, it was not an option with your other partner.

Send her to private school but put aside an equal amount of money for DS to eg go travelling / university / buy a flat.

If you can’t afford to do that for DS as well as send her, then don’t send her.

Why can't your son go to private secondary?

At least bank the cash for house deposit

It's tricky as there's such a huge age gap so the usual 'all or none' rules apply less. Of course circumstances change in 13 years, but also bear in mind that part of the reason you can afford it for the two year old us because your eldest has been state educated.

Can you afford both now? 13 isn't too late to join a private boys secondary (where the intake is often 13 anyway).

My opinion is that you should look into doing it for both now so your 13 year old still has the opportunity to benefit from your improved circumstances.

But why suddenly now? Unless you've just had an inheritance, I'm assuming that you might have been able to afford private school for the 13 year old a couple if years ago, in which case he could have started at a private secondary without getting settled into a state one.

Clearly as it is your son's step dad driving private school fof his DD so he doesn't have the same interest in your son, so it is up to you to defend and protect his interests.

For me that is insisting on private school for him too, you'd only have two sets of fees for about 3 years.

I know one family with two boys and a girl (boy, then b/g twins 2 years younger) who sent the boys to an academic, single sex school and the girl to the local comprehensive, another family with girl, boy, girl, who sent the girls to a non-academic Catholic single sex school and the boy to the same local comprehensive. All kids are now adults aged between 28 and 33, some married with children, all completely well-adjusted people with no apparent resentment, seething or otherwise, that they were educated differently.

The boys in the first family are self-employed. Their sister did very well at uni and is now a doctor.

All three from the second family declined to go to university, despite good offers, and they are all self-employed with brilliant businesses.

I don't think your son will hold it against you if you educate your daughter privately. Schools, education policy, will be different from when he started school. Investment in your children is not always about £££.

My son went to a private school
My daughter didn’t
There has been no issue.

I’m sorry but I think YWBU. Could cause enormous resentment.

I am assuming this is coming up now as lots of Preps have an entry point at 21/2 or 3 So you need to be deciding for September
A natural entry point for your son in the independent sector is year 9 or year 12
Most year 9 places here have pre tested at year 6 so there may not be a space at local independent schools
My DS has gone from a prep to a state school and I have to say the pastoral care he is getting is amazing and they are much more invested in his academic success.
I wouldn't assume that independent secondary is better but it can be. There are more bells and whistles, chances for matches and trips. The intake is often calmer (but not necessarily kinder) the classes are smaller and the work often progresses on with less interruption.
If you were to find a school that you thought your DS would fit perfectly into then I would ask;
Is your DSs dad around? What does he think about his son going to an independent school. Could you between you afford to pay for his fees

A friend of mine has 2 children age 15 and 12, 15yr old goes to an 18k a year private school, 12yr old goes to the outstanding local comp. 12yr old given same opportunity but declined. She’s fine about it, she said thank God as she couldn’t afford both in private! Obviously if her DD had chosen private she would have had to find the money. I think she probably regrets sending her 15yr old there, he’s plodding along and it frustrates her.

I don’t see why not. Life and circumstance change. I have a 26yr old and a 15 & 12yr old. They haven’t had identical upbringings. My 26yr old doesn’t resent that.

A lot depends on finances too Op and whether you keep them separate. If your dd were to go to a private school, would your dh be covering them or would it come out of joint income? With your ds, can you afford to pay for the fees out of your income and would your ds’ dad contribute? It’s not down to your dh to pay for a Sc’s school fees and just because your ex couldn’t afford it for your ds, it doesn’t mean your dd shouldn’t be allowed to attend.

As a child whose brother checked that every single penny my parents spend was equal I’ve made sure that my children don’t expect the same spent on them, they get things when needed and I don’t keep a tally. I know my boys wouldn’t mind if I suddenly sent my DD to a private school.

DD to go private from secondary
DS to go private f

DD to go private from secondary
DS to go private from this Sept & gets uni fees paid

Yes.

My daughter's friend is the older half-sibling in state school and she has been very jealous and hurt by this for years. There is absolutely no doubt in her mind that she is less valued than her younger sib and it plays out all the time in her behaviour and the way she treats her friends.

Of course there are exceptions - very anxious child not coping in mainstream etc - but this is not one of them.