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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Confront husband or wait and see

26 replies

newnametime2020 · 16/02/2020 05:22

On Valentine's Day my husband (tradie) worked several jobs throughout the day. His last stop before home was to drop some work off to a friend. I know this woman, have spent time with her, met her husband and kids etc. My husband and she are from the same country so they have that connection.

He said he had met her after 5.30pm when he finished his other jobs. He got home close to 7pm. It's about a half-hour drive home. However, the parking ticket he bought in her area places him there at 4.30pm. I found this tucked away in his car.

After asking why he had spent so much time with another woman on Valentine's Day he insists he was only there half an hour. I hadn’t seen the ticket at that point.

Don’t want to drip feed but I also don’t want to bombard people with a long post so I’ll try to be brief.

We've been together 10 years and despite other issues him cheating was never something I suspected. I'm sure there could be a reasonable explanation but I can't fathom how he could mistake two hours for half an hour. He’s bad with time but that seems a stretch.

There have been a few other things of late that have me concerned.

For example. He recently refused to let me look at photos he'd taken of our son on his phone, claiming I would "empty the battery" (new phone with good battery that was almost full and we were going home soon after so no urgency if it happened to magically drain) and that he wanted it nearby in case he "needed to take a photo quickly" (we were sitting next to each other having a drink in a cafe so few opportunities for urgent photo taking). Despite me getting obviously confused and then a bit upset by this strange reasoning he got very defensive and threw a tantrum, saying I had spoiled the day. If it were me I would have just passed the bloody phone over at that point to allay fears but he didn’t.

There have been a few other things but I dropped it. Now this parking ticket thing has got me thinking. I feel he’s hiding something. Just not sure what. If he’s cheating he’s obviously unlikely to admit to it if I confront him. I’d like to hear from others on their thoughts.

YES Confront him about the parking ticket lie?
NO Give him the benefit of the doubt and wait and see?

OP posts:
Original poster
newnametime2020 · 16/02/2020 05:23

It ended up being long anyway. Sorry, people.

OP posts:
Sarcelle · 16/02/2020 05:26

No, wait and see. See if anything else suspicious happens.

FlaskMaster · 16/02/2020 05:28

There was a reason he wouldn't let you see his phone, and it certainly wasn't the battery. Yanbu.

Sally2791 · 16/02/2020 05:30

Pointless to confront because he will deny and defend. But I wouldn’t be giving him the benefit of the doubt either. If you can manage it, be as normal as possible and do as much digging as you can behind the scenes. Does he mention this woman?

Original poster
newnametime2020 · 16/02/2020 05:32

Sorry, with the voting I meant -

YABU Confront him about the parking ticket lie?
YANBU Wait and see?

OP posts:
Original poster
newnametime2020 · 16/02/2020 05:35

Sally2791 He does mention her because he’s doing work with her. Also he and another friend (male) catch up with her sometimes as they are all the same nationality. I’ve seen the work he’s done for her. I actually asked him a few weeks back if something was going on with her. I realise that was pointless...

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Original poster
newnametime2020 · 16/02/2020 05:39

Yeah, I kind of feel I should wait and see. It’s just really hard. If something’s going on I want to know now so I can deal with it and move forward. But that would assume he gave me a straight answer.

With the phone thing I wondered if he had been watching porn or something. Wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me though I wouldn’t be impressed. But this lost time is puzzling. Sad

OP posts:
lovelilies · 16/02/2020 05:41

You need more evidence, as he will just lie and get you doubting yourself at this point.
Sit tight, he will make more mistakes

rainbowstardrops · 16/02/2020 05:44

I'd sit tight and try to maintain a calm front so he relaxes a bit but I'd be doing digging behind the scenes. The phone situation sounds very dodgy if he isn't usually so protective of it!

SepiaTonedLove · 16/02/2020 05:45

I think this warrants a bit of snooping to either allay your fears or confirm your suspicion. You wouldn't gain anything from confronting him at this stage. The phone thing is definitely odd.

Original poster
newnametime2020 · 16/02/2020 05:48

lovelilies Do you really think so? I just wonder how big a mistake has to be before I call it. For all I know he could have needed some time to himself (as I do) but didn’t want to say. The area he was in (where they met) is a place we frequent ourselves. That being said, I hardly have an iron grip on him and he’s free to take time out when and if he needs it.

I don’t really know how cheating works. As in, do the mistakes tend to get bigger and bigger until it’s blatantly obvious? He’s not the best liar in the world or too tech savvy so I imagine something will happen to make it obvious but... dunno.

OP posts:
Original poster
newnametime2020 · 16/02/2020 05:50

What kind of digging can I do though? He may not be tech savvy but he knows how to delete messages and emails. He’s also got face recognition on his new phone. But he rarely leaves it alone anyway. Any ideas?

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/02/2020 05:53

I personally couldn't carry on as normal with someone I suspected of cheating on me, and I think once you start snooping it's the beginning of the end of your relationship.

I'd question him.

speakout · 16/02/2020 05:58

By carrying on as normal you may be putting your sexual health at risk.
I couldn't wait- I would confront.
I am old and wise and would be able to tell if my OH is lying.

BillHadersNewWife · 16/02/2020 05:58

Do you know his email address and password? Also, how do you manage finances? Can you check his spends over the past months?

Odd spends that can't be explained....to florists, shops which cater to women, restaurants and off licences would be what to look for.

BillHadersNewWife · 16/02/2020 05:59

I would be waiting a few days and then when he's asleep, grab his phone and go through it.

BillHadersNewWife · 16/02/2020 05:59

The phone bill will also show calls and how long they are.

Original poster
newnametime2020 · 16/02/2020 06:01

It’s tricky though because I already know he calls this woman just as I call male friends of mine. They are friends and they do catch up. I have or had no problem with that but now I’m not so sure.

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NeverGuessWho · 16/02/2020 06:11

Don’t confront him. Keep the parking ticket as evidence.

I’d be suspicious & on high alert.

Sally2791 · 16/02/2020 06:34

There’s always the private investigator route- however it’s expensive, results not garuanteed,so I think you would need to plan carefully,eg go away for a few days with your dc, give him plenty of advance notice so if he is up to something he’ll have opportunity, then get him followed. His phone behaviour is very suspicious.

feelinglike · 16/02/2020 06:37

@speakout worried about sexual life?? 😂😂😂😂😂😂
That would be the last thing on my mind.

OP do you feel you can ask him straight? I'd speak to my husband and ask him straight.,

BeamerTown · 16/02/2020 06:43

@feelinglike no, @speakout said “sexual health” - she should be worried about the potential of catching a sexual infection if her husband is sleeping with another woman...

speakout · 16/02/2020 06:44

feelinglike
@speakout worried about sexual life?? 😂😂😂😂😂😂
That would be the last thing on my mind.

You have misquoted me.

I said "sexual health".

If the OP is having sex with her OH, then she may be vulnerable to infection if he is also fucking someone else.

Original poster
newnametime2020 · 16/02/2020 06:48

I have asked him straight a couple of times before. He assured me there was nothing going on. Only this time I have the ticket. So something tangible. However, I imagine if I confront him he will say he was given the ticket from someone else who no longer needed it, or that he had lost track of time, or say he’d never said he claimed to only be there for half an hour. He definitely did. But either way, I’d be left without a sufficient answer yet he would a) be upset I was questioning him of innocent or b) be more careful at hiding things if he’s not.

OP posts:
Original poster
newnametime2020 · 16/02/2020 06:49

*if innocent

OP posts:
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