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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel sad for my DS9

22 replies

user1496146479 · 15/02/2020 15:31

Just wondering how we deal with this. Currently feel sad for ds.
He goes football training each week, mix of some kids from school & some from other schools.
DS will probably not be a keen football player, but right now he enjoys going & attends weekly training & matches etc.
Recently there is one other child who seems to continually mock & tease dearest son each week.
DH mentioned it to the coach one week, who said he would keep an eye on it etc.
Fast forward a few weeks, it's still happening, every time ds gets near the ball etc, this other boy is teasing/shouting etc
For context, this boy is not in ds primary school, they first met at a summer camp - and for whatever reason they just don't get on. I've told my ds to just stay away from him (it's a big enough group etc) but this obviously doesn't help when the other boys mocks etc.
What would you do? Talk to the coach again? Talk to other boys parent?
My ds doesn't want to give up & I don't want to teach him that's the only way to deal with it.
We don't expect them to become best buddies - just end the mocking!
Any suggestions?
Thanks

OP posts:

Brazi103 · 15/02/2020 15:37

i would Just confront the boy directly. Do parents stay and watch? If so, and you witness this then confront the boy about it then and there.

lilmisstoldyouso · 15/02/2020 15:51

Your son needs to speak with the boy himself.

He needs to stand up for himself, this is an opportunity to teach him a valuable lesson. Give him guidance but let him sort the matter out himself.

JRUIN · 15/02/2020 16:01

If it's just the one boy teasing your DS I would ask my child if he'd like me to tell the kid off, or whether he'd like to do it himself or whether we should just ignore his silliness. If it was more than one child I would see it as bullying and I would be talking to the coach again and if no joy there would take the matter into my own hands.

MrsGrindah · 15/02/2020 16:06

Honest answer? I’d shout at the kid to shut up and then after the match have a word with him and his parents. Stand up for your boy.
I’m sure people will disagree with me but I simply couldn’t stand by whilst my boy is being picked on.

mumtomaxwell · 15/02/2020 16:15

I’ve had exactly this with my DS a few weeks ago! The coach was really defensive when I spoke to him... some nonsense about “we don’t tolerate that” but then went on to say my DS is not as experienced as the other boys - like that’s an excuse?! My DS had been sworn at by the other child and called names.

This is everything I hate about sports, and some sports coaches. It’s divisive and encourages bullying. I wish my DS hadn’t got involved with it.

I’ve found another team for my DS and he currently goes to coaching sessions for both. I’m trying to gently encourage him away from the original one because of the appalling attitude of the coach.

Didiusfalco · 15/02/2020 16:18

To be honest, if it didn’t resolve fairly quickly I would find him another team. The coach should be calling out the other child’s behaviour. It’s hobby, it’s meant to be fun.

SnoozyLou · 15/02/2020 16:43

Honest answer? I’d shout at the kid to shut up and then after the match have a word with him and his parents. Stand up for your boy.

I'd hazard a guess that the parents either aren't there, or aren't much cop. I think most of us would be mortified if our child behaved like that.

I agree with you though. I'd be shouting back.

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2020 16:46

At 9 years old I'd be encouraging him to have a word with the kid himself.

If he doesn't want to do that, I'd have a word with him and also a proper word with the coach.

Summercamping · 15/02/2020 16:51

I had similar with my 9 year old, we talked about what he should do when the boy swore at him, i.e. tell him to stop, and if he persisted, tell the coach.
As it happened, the coach witnessed the boy cursing at my son, made him apologize, and threatened to kick him off the team if it happens again.
So I would talk to your son about how to manage it, and also speak with the coach for backup

PenguinIce · 15/02/2020 16:58

In my experience the only way it will get ‘resolved’ Is if you move your son to another team. It’s not fair and it’s not right but youth football brings out the worse in kids, parents and even coaches and most develop a win at all cost!

steppemum · 15/02/2020 17:06

my normal advice is not to address the child directly, but go through the leader ie in the coach.

So, I would go to the coach, remind him your dh has already complained, and say you would like him ot take it more seriously, as it is bullying. The point being that it isn't just one incident, it is repeated. I would even say that you felt it was more appropriate for him to deal with it, than for you to approach the child's parents, so he can see you are trying to be supportive etc.

What happens next depends on the coach. He may make a point of dealing with it, and get it stopped, or not. I am willing to bet that the coach's willingness to deal with it will be directly in proportion to how important the other boy is to the team. If he is one of the stars, forget it.
My ds was in a team where the coach would have stepped up and dealt with it, so it is possible.

Failing the coach dealing with it, I would ask the boy where hi parents are, and then speak to the boy in front of his parents. This can back fire badly though!

steppemum · 15/02/2020 17:11

Honest answer? I’d shout at the kid to shut up and then after the match have a word with him and his parents. Stand up for your boy.

NO NO NO
It is never appropriate for a strange adult to shout at a child!
Imagine how you would feel!
It is not even appropriate for a strnage adult to tell another chidl off, which is why I said you need to speak to the child in front of his parents, and do NOT shout at the child. You can say what you need to say clearly and firmly without shouting.

MrsGrindah · 15/02/2020 17:13

Oh do calm down. I meant shout from the sidelines “ oh number eight shut up”. And yes if I was the kid I might feel embarrassed and a bit scared. But a lesson learnt and all that

MrsGrindah · 15/02/2020 17:15

And I did say it was honestly what I would do , not a textbook answer

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/02/2020 17:40

There is at least one kid like this in every kids’ team. My DS is not particularly macho, was not amazing at football and got stick from this one lad every single week.

DS just ignored to be honest. He was in the same class as this kid and is much more academic.

I have noticed that kids who are great/mediocre at football at nine are not necessarily the same at 14. DS is much much better than the mouthy kid now, which I never would have imagined. And yes, it has shut him up.

SnoozyLou · 15/02/2020 17:51

@steppemum I'd be perfectly happy for another parent to shout at my child if he was behaving like that. The question is, where were his parents and why weren't they doing anything about it? As for the coach, he sounds like a waste of space too.

Sceptre86 · 15/02/2020 17:57

Oh please you are perfectly within your rights as parent to tell the other to kid to behave or shut up however I would probably ask your son first if he would mind if you did that. You don't want to embarrass him or step on his toes however there are occasions when as a parent you might need to stand up for your child if they cant quite manage it themselves. Hope the other kids poor behaviour doesn't put your son off.

Original poster

user1496146479 · 15/02/2020 20:26

Thanks all.
My ds does tends to also like the more academic activities etc too. He enjoys football as it's also a chance to see his school friends etc, plus it keeps him active etc.
This boy has a lot of other friends there that my ds wouldn't know, not sure he'd feel comfortable standing up to him... maybe?
Moving teams - tough - we live quite rural - only one team... It's a tough one.

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/02/2020 01:45

Hmm, in our team, the annoying boy’s parents are also quite annoying and critical, so there would be no joy from having a word with them.

I think all you can do is try and help your son to be resilient about it; maybe have a little private joke at home about how silly the annoying boy is and what a loser he is.

Italiangreyhound · 16/02/2020 01:53

I'd talk to my son, ask him what he wants me to do.

I'd also talk to the coach again. I'd probably tell the coach that if he didn't say something and stop it happening, I would.

I'd ask the coach how he'd feel if I encouraged my son to tell this other boy to shut the fuck up. Then depending on how that went I'd see what I wanted to do next!

Good luck.

Mamabear12 · 16/02/2020 01:55

I would go up to the boy and say “excuse me, keep your comments to yourself!!!”

Waveysnail · 16/02/2020 02:03

Exactly why I swerved my boys away from football and towards other sports. Seems to bring out worse in parents and kids

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