Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being an only child contributes to feeling suffocated in family life now I'm older?

47 replies

DangerMouseLivesDangerously · 15/02/2020 10:42

Married with two SC and one DC. I am an only child and really enjoyed my own company growing up, I like to be left alone sometimes.

I think this has led to me feeling a bit suffocated now I have my own family as it's bigger than mine was growing up. Husband comes from a bigger family and likes to do everything together, doesn't understand me wanting to have some alone time with a book/TV show upstairs for example, thinks we should be together, watch films together, go out together etc...

We do spend a lot of time together but I find myself visiting family a lot more these days to just get away and have some time on my own to breathe.

I love my family but does anyone else feel like this sometimes? Sometimes I just want to shut the door and be on my own for a few hours, instead I end up using the excuse of a long bath to get some 'me' time. I feel a bit suffocated at the moment.

OP posts:
Poohpooh · 15/02/2020 11:37

I agree with @nineswans it’s not an only child thing.

I’m one of 6 and need my own space to read or whatever because growing up I never had my own space such as my own room. Everything was shared.

This thread just reads like only children thinking they’re special really.

My cousin was an only and she was around at our house every day after house and weekends. She was so spoilt that she would take our toys home and get pocket money from our dad.

Original poster
DangerMouseLivesDangerously · 15/02/2020 11:38

This thread just reads like only children thinking they’re special really

Really?? That's certainly not how I intended it to come across, I don't think I'm special at all! I meant it in the sense that I was never used to having a lot of people in the house all at once growing up. My parents were separated and so it was only ever two of us in the house at one time, I find it a lot when there's 3 squabbling kids around and DH as well.

OP posts:
Poohpooh · 15/02/2020 11:40

Ah ok I may have misunderstood, sorry OP.

I think my opinion is skewed that my cousin who was an only made my life a misery at times.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 15/02/2020 11:40

This thread just reads like only children thinking they’re special really.

Bit harsh. Given all the nonsense about only children being "loners", "weirdos" etc that gets bandied about it's hardly surprising that onlies who turn out to be introverts might question whether it's due to being an only child. I don't think anyone's bragging or claiming to be special!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 15/02/2020 11:42

Cross post, sorry.

I also had a cousin who made my life a misery so I sympathise! She wasn't an only child though, just a twat.

Poohpooh · 15/02/2020 11:44

Thanks @Minister

To be fair my cousin is lovely now and very far from being a loner or a weirdo.

LakieLady · 15/02/2020 11:45

I'm an extrovert, but I still need time on my own every day, despite it being just me and DP at home, and he's pretty quiet.

If we go to see his family, I find it utterly exhausting and it takes days for me to recover. Admittedly, there are rather a lot of them (3 siblings plus partners, 7 nieces and nephews, DSS and DGD) all crammed into MIL's weeny council house.

MostlyHappyMummy · 15/02/2020 11:46

I think it sounds like you're being forced into spending too much time with your husband and sc when the sc visit. They visit to see their father, so it shouldn't be a problem if you don't want to be involved with all their activities.
Maybe that's something you could work on changing

Original poster
DangerMouseLivesDangerously · 15/02/2020 11:47

See I don't mind so much going to see family because it's planned and I can prepare for it. But when there's 3 kids at home and DH, I feel like there's no respite at all haha.

I come to my families to get away for a bit and not have to be 'mum'/'wife'.

OP posts:
Original poster
DangerMouseLivesDangerously · 15/02/2020 11:48

Mostly, my SC live with us and see their mum a couple of times a week so I can't really take myself away too much. And I obviously don't want them to think I don't want to be around them!

OP posts:
Original poster
DangerMouseLivesDangerously · 15/02/2020 11:49

Sorry I meant mostly as in the poster mostlyhappymummy

OP posts:
Bagofoldbones · 15/02/2020 11:55

I can see why you get overwhelmed especially now you’ve said your SC live with you.

It’s easy to see why you think you get overwhelmed I’d because you were used to the quiet of being an older child.

I get like this. Although I really struggled with dh family swomping us unannounced when we first moved in.

I hide up stairs all the time from my own kids!

bridgetreilly · 15/02/2020 11:55

I think there's some misunderstanding about introversion and extraversion in this thread. It's nothing to do with being friendly or sociable. It's about what you find energising and what you find tiring. Extraverts will get energy from being with others, and find alone time hard work. Introverts may very much enjoy being with others but find it draining, while they need alone time to recharge. What you describe, OP, sounds like like classic introversion.

Spied · 15/02/2020 12:00

I'm not claiming to be special- I'm more weirdo tbhGrin but I am an only child from a long line of only children and I grew up with mum ( no cousins, aunts uncles) and I have two children myself. Our household feels overwhelming to me and I've always put it down to not having any experience really of being a member of a family unit where there are lots of different dynamics playing out.
I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time and have to remove myself from the living room sometimes if all four of us are in there as it just feels too much for me.

Bagofoldbones · 15/02/2020 12:02

I’ve just had a quick look on the facebook site and shaughna had quite a lot of support it seems.

This last week has been so boring and completely staged I’m not going going to bother watching the rest. Just too much meddling and staged talks from the producers, you can actually see points where they have all been told to couple off and ‘talk’ and it’s a shame because it used to be such good trash tv. It’s completely changed from the original format and not sure if I’ll bother watching the summer series.

Just like watching a bunch of robots

NineSwans · 15/02/2020 12:04

I’m not an introvert. I find being around other people (well, the right kind of other people) invigorating and necessary, not draining. I don’t need to recharge in solitude, I just want to be entirely alone sometimes, and insist on it. I don’t think that’s at all unusual.

MostlyHappyMummy · 15/02/2020 12:39

Ok so that does make things more difficult
But should still be possible to carve out some time for just you and also just you and your child
Which also gives sc some quality time with their dad

gamerwidow · 15/02/2020 12:42

I don't think it's about being an only child but I think having kids is tougher on introverts because it's really hard to get any time to yourself so you can recharge. I think most of us feel like we're going to go mad if we have to spend another second with out families sometimes .

RubysRoo · 15/02/2020 12:46

Introverts recover/get their mental space by being alone! Sounds like you. It's me too. And for part of parenthood I definitely felt it. 3 dc and 2/3 are extroverts, the 1/3 that isn't absolutely I feel we better understand one another. Case in point she was offered the chance to go away for a week for half term, two choices a holiday with a dear friend's family and a 5 day adventure with a club she's in that has a residential 2x a year. She said no to both even though she knew she'd have a wonderful time. Her response was that she needs a break from people over school holidays.

Can you do the Myers Briggs test? Try this. By far that was the best thing that helped me understand myself.

www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Going forward maybe try to schedule a bit more down time for yourself, especially at weekends. With 3 dc I feel it's impossible, but I do try.

GreenTulips · 15/02/2020 12:52

Have you thought that being there you are available to fetch drinks, play games, do toilet runs, discuss things etc ...... where when you aren’t there your DH has to do them. Thus it’s easier for him when you are there?

Original poster
DangerMouseLivesDangerously · 15/02/2020 14:30

Green, I don't know. It's not that I do more parenting than DH, he's actually really good with the kids. I just feel a bit smothered sometimes like I have to justify why I don't want to hang out with them all sometimes and I feel bad about it like am I supposed to want to be together when I'd actually rather be on my own?

OP posts:
sandyfoot · 15/02/2020 15:41

I think it sounds very normal and understandable. I'm introverted and have a very extrovert daughter. As much as I love her, I just find the constant attention and demands from my family exhausting. By the end of a family holiday or something I am desperate to see the back of everyone

New posts on this thread. Refresh page