To not tell my mother that I want to meet my father.

[ADJ1151]

I am 28 and never had my biological dad around. I’ve accepted I’m never going to have a relationship with him. I don’t think I could, it’s been far too long and he’s missed too much but I would like to meet him hoping it will give me closure. I don’t want to wait too long.

Him and my mum were quite young when they met, he cheated, she was heartbroken. I think there was wrong on both sides. I am pretty sure my mum made it incredibly difficult for him to see but if he cared he really should have tried to fight for access.. I don’t know for sure but she wanted him back and would only let him see me (I was far too young to remember this) if he got back with her but he had met someone else - someone he is still with now and married to all these year’s later. Then again he should have fought for access.

I’ve heard from my grandmother they made it incredibly difficult. Threatened him with court, threatened him with my uncles (they were thuggish in their younger years). Apparently she wouldn’t allow my bio dads dad to meet me. Something that bothers me as I’ve recently found out he died.

So yeah.. I would really like to meet him. He’ll be easy to contact. I know his name, he doesn’t live too far away from where I live now, I’m sure I’ve passed him a few times in my car.. I know what he looks like..

But I really don’t want to tell my mum. We don’t have the best relationship. If I was too tell her she’d make it all about her, try and influence me, either tell me not to meet him or try interfere in one way or another. She would probably constantly ring me if she knew I was meeting him. We haven’t got the type of relationship that we confide in each other.. she would question me after I met him. She gives me no privacy. Hence why I moved out and got my own place at 18.

I feel like it is something I want to do (for now anyway) without telling her. She lives a little further afield so likely she won’t find out from anyone else.

Aibu not to tell her??

YANBU
If you feel you want to tell her further down the line when a relationship has been established, thats fine. You might not need to ever tell her though.

Thank you. Sorry yes I should have added I would obviously tell her if things progressed but I don’t think I want a relationship with him. I just want to meet him, even just once.

My partner has been through similar. He never had his dad around and often wondered. Meeting him a few years ago just a couple times really give him closure. Unfortunately he didn’t really remain in contact but Oh doesn’t wonder what if anymore. He’s met him, he figured his dad wasn’t the type of person he wanted a relationship with and left it 😭

Go for it. My dad experienced the same and would have loved for my brother to contact him. It didn't happen and we've chosen not to as we are not even sure he knows and wouldn't want to cause great upset.

Nope, you need to do this for you.
You don't know how things will go, or how you will feel,
If later down the line you want to tell her fine but for now do whatever you need to do!
Good luck OP.

I came to say YABU and should always be honest, I've met my biological parents so do have some experience if this, but after reading how controlling she's being I think you should go for it.

Don't expect anything, just go in order to satisfy your curiosity about who he is and family history. IF you get on well and see each other again then great but it takes a lot of work and tolerance, good luck.

There's a book by Nicky Campbell about him meeting his mum and his siblings, it's worth reading it, before you go ahead.

Do what YOU need to do.
Life is too short...

YANBU. You should go for it. If it’s soemthing you want to do then do it. If you tell your mum you said she may try influence you etc so go ahead with it then if you feel like you need to tell her after then do

28 years ago you could get legal aid to see your children

A fact my daughter remembers when she thought about seeing her bio dad although I never prevented him seeing her I did insist he was sober and straight this according to him was unreasonable him and his batshit crazy wife said they didnt want to take it to court because I was a whore and a slut who didnt deserve children they do also claim I have four children by four different fathers (I actually dont)

My point is dont expect him to be sunshine and Rose's if he wouldn't fight for you then why will he be bothered about you now

Be careful don't expect too much

28 years ago was 1992. None of the cuts in Legal Aid had happened. The family court system was not backlogged with party litigants. Question is whether they were married or not. In 1992, the child arrangements would have had to be clear before the divorce and courts did have the view that both parents should maintain a relationship with the child. So while yes, there may have been threats, there were also police to deal with them and a functioning legal system.

If they were not married I think that is a different matter, as your dad would not automatically have had parental responsibility. But the legal view was still that it was in your best interests to have a relationship with your father if there was no abuse.

So I tend to be a bit sceptical that your mum made it so difficult for him that he could not progress a case. More likely it was easier for him not to progress a case for a variety of factors.

That said, the point remains that you have a right to a relationship with your father and that is between you and your dad, not your mum. I would always recommend being honest but it sounds like your relationship with your mum has its own problems, though, and at age 28, there is no reason why you really need to tell her anything just at the moment.

That is not what I want to say, as a single parent I would hope my DC want to tell me all the major things in their lives and I could be there for them, but I also have a controlling mother and I think on some levels it is good to assert your autonomy. You are entitled to your privacy. The problem really is if you don’t tell her now (note tell her, not ask her permisssion), then I think it will just get harder as time goes on (because then you also have the ‘why did you not tell me?’ to get over too)

Hope that makes some sense.

Yanbu

Absolutely no need to tell her. You’re an adult now.

And I agree with the aspect of getting closure. It may well be a life long regret if you miss the opportunity.

YANBU

I did just that. Met my dad when I was around 20. He hadn't seen me since I was about 18 months old.

I am 32 now and still I have never told my mum. After meeting him and having a little contact over a few months it was clear he wasn't someone I needed in my life so I am glad I didn't tell my mum and have to deal with all the backlash that would have caused.

If I had gone on to have any type of relationship with him I would have told her.

Thanks all. @KTJean they weren’t married. My mum mentioned once she was questioned about who was the father when claiming for benefits after they split. I believe it was the norm back then for income support to ask who the father to try and encourage him to pay up first before they paid. It doesn’t seem to happen these days? She told them she didn’t know who my father was.. so she didn’t seem to make it easy.

I die believe there was wrong on both sides. I don’t deny he should have fought and if he really wanted to see me he could have tried harder.

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my mother

I feel like I’m missing something. Not close to my mother, never having a dad.. my partner is such a wonderful father and I’m just feeling a bit emotional about it all at the moment!

Thank you @anxiouswaiting. That’s really helpful!