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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When will this heartbreak go?...

21 replies

Thisisshit123 · 14/02/2020 18:40

I've posted before, I don't have it in me to go through all the past but he did selfish financial decisions etc and would lie about money so I walked out with the kids and here we are 6 weeks later I'm heartbroken. He wronged me but the second I left he has completely gone all out to move on with his life, we have had our ups and downs in the past and a break a couple of years ago where he really suffered with it, so he says we shouldnt be together but he packed my stuff up fast, put single on Facebook, got a 12grabd car on finance 5 days after I left as he is 'single' even though we were meant to be saving for a house, he also messaged someone asking them to go for a drink as I checked his msgs and then he said he is single he can do what he likes but he does regret it and he was just trying to rush everything when it's not what he wants, he seems fine, he says he isn't OK but he says he accepts we shouldn't be together and he's come to terms with it, we were together for 10 years and married and already he is over us after 6 weeks?? He says he finds it hard etc but he says he is mentally strong now and he also has a counsellor from work. I don't get it!! Yes I left through his actions but I'm the one with my heart split in two I can't face years of feeling like this, I cry constantly!! Why is he so fine? At what point did he grieve? Why is he not caving in and missing me?? We were always so different yet I feel like I'm being punished for his wrong doings I don't get it why hasn't he fought for me?? Please don't suggest another woman because I don't believe there was when we were together we were different I'm so fed up of feeling so awful, I should remember all the lies etc but I can't!!!! Please help I feel like I am dying from heartache and I don't know what to do, I don't contact him when I can now I told him I'd have gave it a go in the last couple of weeks again but he is so strong and done even though he done wrong???? Please help me see sense on why he is being like this, he used to love me so much and he'd say I was like his drug and now he has so much will power towards me????

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Original poster

Thisisshit123 · 14/02/2020 21:03

No-one can de-code his brain?

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byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 21:07

Don’t go back, he detached ages ago. Xx

byebyeboyee · 14/02/2020 21:08

Do you have a councilor.

myidentitymycrisis · 14/02/2020 21:09

It may be that he is grieving and all the car and asking people out for drinks and being single are coping mechanisms. He may be burying his feelings and they may emerge later or maybe never.

You didn't leave him just so he could miss you though did you? I think the best thing to do is remember that and let him get on with the break up in his own way.

Hope you feel a little better soon

Original poster

Thisisshit123 · 14/02/2020 21:22

Ooh no I didn't leave so he could miss me, it was through his behaviour but I live and miss him so much and even though he did more wrong he's just so done, he days he's bothered but he seems fine to me not sure where 10 years worth of grief is, maybe he is just enjoying the freedom for now, maybe he's having a early 30s crisis after I've left? God knows but I can't accept he's so over this it's horrible

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Original poster

Thisisshit123 · 14/02/2020 21:23

No I don't have a counsellor, I can't accept this from the man who I thought I knew

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WhenISnappedAndFarted · 14/02/2020 21:27

I'm going through the same thing but it's only been two weeks. It's our anniversary today and I'm absolutely heartbroken and can't see a way through this.

Original poster

Thisisshit123 · 14/02/2020 21:29

Love to you it is so hard! I hope you feel better soon. Why do we suddenly go blind and remember the good stuff why aren't they bothered about us like they used to be I do not understand!! The worst is feeling like you don't know the man you've known all these years!

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WhenISnappedAndFarted · 15/02/2020 09:21

I honestly don't know. We'd been together nine years, I'd helped him so much. He says it himself, he wouldn't have got as far if he didn't have me and now I've just been chucked aside. We will get through it, it will take time

Techway · 15/02/2020 09:37

It is natural to experience grief after a separation so your feelings are normal. He is using distraction to avoid his feelings, such as a new car & dating and that might work for him but it isn't healthy.

He might try to run from his feelings and perhaps that is what he has always done, hence his previous selfish financial decisions. Heartbreak is painful and there is no way to avoid it, you have to go through it and process the feelings. Think of it like a wound, you have to open it up, clean it out and that hurts but long term it is the best approach. His way is to cover it up and go on...

I left ex and the pain was real, I sobbed for a long time whilst Ex was able to be icy cold. He also started dating immediately as he can't bear to be alone. I am now through the pain, although like grief you never forget. He has continued to appear to move on but I know that he is unable to have a healthy longterm relationship. How they treat you will be how they treat another woman. It may take a while but they always return to type. Any counsellor would be telling him not to rush into a new relationship so I suspect if he is going to counselling he won't be telling the true story of the breakup and his part in it.

I am not sure there is a quick fix for heartache, getting out for walks and eating well are good strategies. Eventually you have a day when you realise you haven't cried but accept it takes a while.

Original poster

Thisisshit123 · 15/02/2020 13:50

WhenISnappedAndFarted yes we were together almost 10 years too, it's just so odd how they can behave. At least you can think without you he would still not be the person he is today so you are a good person!

Techway Yes you speak alot of sense, thankyou! I understand I left etc through his actions but he is just being so strong that's what bothers me the most how can he not be upset over 10 whole years together when he really loved me, do I really mean that little. I think he is just being selfish and putting himself first, he's even said that he needs to look after himself now, it just bugs me how rational and mature he's being he literally never caves in and msgs me and it will be easy for him having a counselor helping him along! And yes he will only be telling his version to the counsellor! He's even gave me tips on how to move on from him etc and how i should meet someone else and make good and bad lists about him, what the actual hell who does that??

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ActualHornist · 15/02/2020 13:52

It’s easy to decode this man’s brain.

He doesn’t care about you or his children.

That’s it. That’s really it. Don’t tie yourself in knots trying to attach it to some trauma or whatever. He just doesn’t give a shit and has decided he will live his life exactly as he pleases, responsibilities be damned.

Original poster

Thisisshit123 · 15/02/2020 14:36

Yes he is selfish, I must say he is a good dad and loves the children and spends time with them. I suppose it's not a problem for someone to not want to be in a marriage anymore, just as I left too but because he was the one who caused problems I don't understand why I feel so punished, I still wanted the marriage but that would be at a cost of put up and shutup of his money dishonesty however small it may have been at times. I'm just shocked at how he's done a complete turnaround and doing all he can to 'move on' after 10 years, it just hurts and isn't the man I thought would be like this but then I think yes I left him so what do i want, i didn't want to leave though. God confusing, my mind is constantly whirling, i just wish id accept he is done now, although it should be me more done!

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Techway · 15/02/2020 16:50

Op, you loved him however his love might have been conditional on you accepting his behaviour.

Also men can often switch off emotions, compartmentalise which is very helpful when they separate but those feelings have to go somewhere. At the moment he is not allowing himself to have regret because then he would have to take responsibility. It is similar to men who have affairs, they demonize the ex wife to justify why leaving was a good decision. It often takes years for them to realise what they have lost.

He may also be thinking that he can recapture the joy of a single life, which can sound appealing but reality often comes as a shock. You never know what you had until it is lost.

Best for you however is to focus on yourself and remind yourself why you made the decision. I kept notes on my phone which kept me strong through the sad times as we can look back with rose tinted glasses.

Original poster

Thisisshit123 · 15/02/2020 21:37

@Techway thankyou so much! I hope you see this. You have spoke so much sense and really have answered so many questions and confusing thoughts in my mind, you have made me see reasons for his reactions etc, honestly thankyou and I do not know you one bit obviously but to know you have been through this also you sound like such a nice person from your understanding etc. I sit at home tonight not falling apart but I feel stronger for the first time in 6 weeks! Thankyou so much truly and no I'm not some weird dramatic person online (well my crying outbursts might say differently these weeks) haha but you have helped me and I will keep reading your comments

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Original poster

Thisisshit123 · 15/02/2020 21:39

....that you have previously posted to keep me going

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Techway · 16/02/2020 11:59

@Thisisshit123, glad it helped. Thank you for the kind feedback. I am also an emotional person so tears flow easily but I am also strong..so are you. The fact that you have made the decision shows you know you deserve more.That takes strength. Your Ex will have seen your resolve so knows how unlikely you are to take him back. That enables him to shut down towards you as he is a weak person and has to have someone supporting him.

He lost you because he didn't treat you well and unless he changes, which is very unlikely as he isn't accepting his behaviour, he will be the same with another person. I am on the other side of the grief and see the patterns repeating..time will prove you made the right decision but it will still hurt and you will still feel pain for a while.

Heartache is real and it can feel debilitating but I promise it doesn't last forever.

Mummyzzz044 · 16/02/2020 15:37

I'm really sorry for you.

We've all been through this. Heartbreak, not recognising the person who you spent so many years with.
Trust me he will never be that same man again, if you give in just to stop your hurting he will not respect you and everything will be on his terms.
He feels free and is going to enjoy himself for a few months and when he gets a bit bored come back to you. By this time you will probably hate him for what he has put you through and feel stronger and ready to move on

Remember there is a reason why you left, never go back. You can and will get through the hurting. Your coping mechanism will be he decisions he makes, helps you move on.

Original poster

Thisisshit123 · 16/02/2020 20:26

Yes thankyou both for your words!!

I don't know I feel like I've had a slight strength since yesterday, what with people having much worse things like Caroline Flack etc, Techway's comments helped alot! You should be a counsellor. I just feel like I have grieved soo much and put my body through too much that if he starts grieving in a couple of weeks it will have been too late, I made him aware I'd have probably gave it another chance. Anyway thankyou so much both

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Mummyzzz044 · 17/02/2020 08:57

You will find the strength. Your children will give you that. It always seems to be the same with men, they enjoy themselves for a few months as the women grieve, then you come out stronger and they start messing with your head.
He knows as the minute you're not moving on. So he feels comfortable. Trust me when the time comes for him to crawl back you will be strong.
Take this time to appreciate yourself if he cant. Take care

Original poster

Thisisshit123 · 17/02/2020 09:57

Thanks so much you are so right! Thanks for your time

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