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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to put myself out for my own birthday plans?

15 replies

MsMarvel · 13/02/2020 16:55

This year im turning 30, ages ago my mum told me that her and my dad wanted to spend my birthday with me as it was an important one. Didnt think too much into it and agreed, it was ages away so had no plans.

Turns out that the week, up to the day before my birthday is a specific work event. This involves travel, long long hours, very little sleep. It is optional, but the money is very good, my dp (who works for the same conpany) has worked it for years, i worked it for the first time last year and had an amazing time. Its tough but rewarding and good to do if you want to progress, which i do.

Told my mum this and she seems to think im being awkward by putting this optional work event before seeing her.

Suggested that i could see her the weekend after my birthday. She lives very rurally, so when i see her we normally meet in the middle, in a city where my brother lives. But ill be shattered after the work event, and im starting to resent having to go out of my way to do something for my own birthday, just to keep other people happy. She is assuming that the meet up at the weekend after my birthday would be in this middle city.

WIBU to want her to come and see me in the city i live, rather than having to travel 4 hour round trip? Its starting to feel like my birthday has become a lot of hassle in order to keep other people happy. I would be happy with no fuss, nice chilled weekend. If my parents were here too that would be lovely, it would be nice to see them and spend the weekend with them, but without having to travel to see them.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 13/02/2020 16:57

Week after birthday is fine. My mil is a bit like that - must see dh/kids on their actual day of birthday

GinDaddy · 13/02/2020 16:58

State when you're available (and exclude days where you'll be recovering from travel) and state where you'd like to meet.

If people come back and go "oh, but.." stay firm. It's your birthday, it's all good, they'll come round it to because they'll want to celebrate with you.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 13/02/2020 17:00

Who on earth voted YABU?! You are absolutely reasonable to do whatever you like for your birthday and the work course is absolutely 100% priority.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 13/02/2020 17:05

YANBU at all. Your mum is thinking of this as her celebration/ special event. My kids are getting older and so I kind of understand that - it’s 30 years since her baby was born. But I think you could gently remind her that this is your birthday and you get to choose to spend it how you like (even if you choose to sleep through it).

FizzyGreenWater · 13/02/2020 17:06

Repeat this sentence to them:

Its starting to feel like my birthday has become a lot of hassle in order to keep other people happy.

And then say that if your birthday is about you - then you've given the options which would make it a nice relaxing happy birthday for you.

If they think that your birthday is actually about them - then that's different, and you'd be interested to hear them justify it.

Squidgoals · 13/02/2020 17:08

YANBU. It's ur birthday, don't do anything you don't want to do on it. Nothing wrong with seeing DPs on the weekend after. And as it's a landmark one i reckon you're entitled to stretch celebrations out for a whole week anyway

ALLMYSmellySocks · 13/02/2020 17:08

YANBU, assuming they're in good health if they want to see you for your birthday they should travel not you!

MsMarvel · 13/02/2020 17:25

Thank you, was starting to wonder if i was just being awkward.

My mum does have a tendancy to be a bit overbearing/controlling. We are close, but there have definitely been issues in the past where ive not done as im told (im an adult...) So not sure where the line is for me pushing back and her being unreasonable

OP posts:
OrangeLindt · 13/02/2020 17:51

So you are putting an optional work event before your own family? Sorry but I think YABU.

altiara · 13/02/2020 18:19

Could DH organise a birthday meal in your home town and invite them and a couple of friends?

BacklashStarts · 13/02/2020 18:22

Optional career enhancing event that she wants to do and which has a specific timeframe.

flouncyfanny · 13/02/2020 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Willow2017 · 13/02/2020 18:52

So you are putting an optional work event before your own family? Sorry but I think YABU

Dont be daft. Op wants to do this as she enjoyed the it and it will help her career. Is she supposed to ignore her career over one day in her life? Its a birthday ffs she isn't getting a Nobel prize!

Its her birthday, not her mothers, to spend as she choses and she doesn't need to dance to anyone else's tune.

Loli2 · 13/02/2020 18:58

Is it tell her, I'd love to spend my birthday with you and want to do X in (my city where I live) please come!!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 13/02/2020 19:04

So you are putting an optional work event before your own family? Sorry but I think YABU.

Women are permitted to put their career’s first at times, you know?! Her mother is putting her own needs before her daughter’s opportunity to improve her own life. It’s not the OP who is being selfish.

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