For letting 16yo DSS be financially independent

[SunshineAngel]

First of all - I'm fairly sure this little arrangement won't last. DP and I are finding it quite amusing, but willing to let DSS (16) have a go at what he's suggesting.

Recently, DSS has been making comments about how DP gets loads of money for him (£300 a month from DSS's mum, as he lives with us plus £80 ish child benefit) and apparently DSS sees no benefit.

Actually, he already pretty much gets his child benefit, as he gets £20 a week pocket money. In return for this, DP needs to see a tidy room on a Saturday, with his clothes put away (that I've washed, dried and folded and left on his desk). Also, DSS is asked to do the washing up 3 evenings a week. That is all he has to do for his money, and all he's ever willing to do around the house - and even then it's only so he gets his pocket money.

He has declared that he should be getting his £80, the £300 from his mum, PLUS the pocket money he's getting now. We are apparently treating him like a slave, as he should be able to have his room messy if he wants it, and shouldn't have to wash our dishes, when he's only used a plate, a cup and some cutlery.

To that, DP responded that if that's his attitude, we shouldn't have to do his washing, or tidying, or cleaning, or make his butties for college, or make sure there's always food in the fridge for him and snacks in the cupboard .. and DSS said fine. If we give him the £380 a month, he will do everything himself, and be completely independent. Like we're flatmates.

DP was quite amused by this, but decided it might be interesting (and ultimately eye-opening for DSS) to just let him do this for a while.

So, from Monday (which is also the start of half term) he has to do everything himself, take care of his own money, and pay for everything himself.

DP has said he can have his £380, will not be getting extra pocket money as he's independent, and he has to give us £50 a month back for his share of the bills (not enough actually but DP wants to give him a fair chance). He is not charging him rent, but has pointed out that if he was truly independently living as a housemate unrelated to us, most of his remaining £330 would be spent on rent.

This will mean he has to pay for his own college transport (£25 a week) and either make or buy his college lunches. He will have to cover trips out with friends himself (so no Daaaad can I have £10 for the cinema?) and get himself there instead of asking for a lift. He will have to buy his own food (I have helpfully said if he gives me a list of what he wants I'll get it from the shops if he gives me the money), buy his own snacks that he races through whenever he's in the house, cook his own food, wash his own dishes, wash, dry, iron and fold his own clothes, make sure he has enough things like shower gel, shaving foam, shampoo etc ..

I asked him what he was planning on eating for food, as he can't cook and won't let me teach him. He said it's okay, he doesn't mind just eating things from the freezer (I always bulk cook and do extra portions that can just be microwaved - so he means these) to which DP replied nope, if he was someone's housemate, that would be their food, not his, and that he had to buy his food with his money, and then cook it himself.

He will have to buy his own clothes, pay for his own phone bill (currently £20 a month which comes out of partner's account), his PS4 subscription (not sure how much this is) and his WoW subscription which I think is £9.99 a month. He also likes going to watch rugby matches, and DP has a direct debit set up for his season ticket, which is £20 a month, but he's paying that still as that was sort of for a Christmas present.

Basically, what we're trying to get across to him in this (probably very short) experience of him being independent is that, actually, while £380 sounds a lot to get "for him" per month, it actually doesn't touch the sides when it comes to how much gets paid out for him overall.

He actually thinks we're spending as little on him as possible, and just keeping the money for ourselves, and thinks for some reason that the child support his mum sends should be like his spending money - whereas that's not really the point of it!

He currently gets everything he needs, plus pocket money, and extras to go to the cinema or go for meals with his friends. We've warned him that if he wants to go ahead and be independent, all of this will stop and everything will have to come out of his money.

The question is: AIBU (or rather is DP being unreasonable - he doesn't have an account here) for actually letting him give this a go? He's been warned that he can't do it half-arsed. He either lives with us and behaves like a son (and gets treated like he does now - cushy, IMO, in comparison to some kids), or like a housemate and like the above.

He has chosen the latter option, thinking he'll have loads and loads of cash for playstation games.

Obviously, he has the option of changing his mind and going straight back to normal at any stage of the thing. DP only wants to let him to do this to teach him the actual value of money and how little it can actually buy when you're paying for everything and have to think about bills!

Looking forward to some input, and maybe hearing from people who have done this in the past. Although this is very much just letting DSS experiment, and have a bit of freedom (that we assume he won't like as much as he thought he would), I will admit that it hurts sometimes getting accused of not giving him enough, or spending "his" money on us.

I have found being a stepparent difficult, and struggled to adapt to not just taking care of myself, particularly as he was already in his mid teens when I met his dad, and if anything have overcompensated - so I honestly think he gets more than he would if he was my son!!

TIA.

So do I, i wouldnt be giving him £380 never mind bringing up what his dad should pay

I wouldn’t do it. I think you both clearly want and expect him to fail and then what, you can say, ‘we told you so.’ Not great for your relationship with him. As a pp said, you could just explain using a spreadsheet or whatever.

Great idea but I would make the bills and rent a considerably larger portion - as the 300 from his mother is actually meant to cover the expenses such as maintaining a house, water and heat etc that a teenager uses.

Great idea!!

Do it.

I do think it is a good idea but I would do a quick spreadsheet with all the known stuff so his college travel, his phone.

Then his "guestimates" as to how much something will cost such as food, and the usual stuff he would find in the fridge such as butter, jam and milk in particular (I have teenage sons who use a lot of milk in a very full bowl of cereal) toiletries, toilet roll - remove any that is already there, washing powder etc and how much he is planning to spend on food. Ds2 has a school lunch and that is between £2 - £2.50 a day. Obviously money can be saved by doing a packed lunch.

I think he is in for a shock but he may well realise that money doesn't go that far. I would also look at SpareRoom websites and show him locally what something would cost to rent, ie the equivalent of what he has now, his own room and a shared lounge, bathroom and kitchen.

Both my sons know how much our gas and electric is, they know how much their shower costs as we have a smart meter. They know the price of local houses and rent/mortgage. They know how much their phones cost etc and how much council tax is and insurance for buildings and contents.

I had a part time job at 16, it taught me about people, time keeping, saving, spending, responsibility etc

Part time job ?

I think it's pandering to him. He sounds rude and e titled and disrespectful to me. He needs telling to stop moaning and that the money he receives from the other parent goes towards XY and X and it's not his place to question that when he only needs to look around to see travel, food, clothes, phone bill, leisure activities all being paid for. To say nothing of a hot shower or bath when he wants one and lifts etc etc

So nope, wouldn't be playing g what is essentially a game with him. If he was my son, he'd be told to stop going on and be grateful for what he has

I calculate £380 is approx the equivalent of a 16 year old working 20 hours per week

Interesting concept.
What will you do to police the freezer, cupboards and fridge?
House mates have to take turns cleaning the communal areas, rotas are rife in house share land, what will he do to contribute?
Owners can demand that licensees keep their private space clean and tidy as they own the property and have to make good damage to carpets, decoration etc.
£50 a month is a little light for bills. If you include soap, shampoo, washing powder, cleaning products, bin sacks etc it adds up.
How will you police the bathroom consumables?
Be interesting to see what happens.

At 16 he should already be aware of what things cost and how to budget. It’s really late to be teaching him this, and of course he’s still not learning that money has to be earned. He’s learning it appears out of nowhere from the government or a family member.

Better for him to get a job and learn these lessons properly.

Introducing more independence is a good idea but this arrangement doesn't come across as a supportive way of doing so. I would be concerned that going from 0 to 300 is too much of a jump and that he may fail to plan correctly through no fault of his own. There is also the risk of alcohol and drugs. 300 isn't a lot to live on, but it can be a dangerously big lump sum for a young adult who's not used to it.

I asked him what he was planning on eating for food, as he can't cook and won't let me teach him. He said it's okay, he doesn't mind just eating things from the freezer

Oh to be young again, when the freezer was the place where food just magically appeared!

I feel like once you've given him this independence he'll take the piss with it. If he's going to be treated like just a housemate then you can't really complain when he brings mates back at all hours, eats beans on toast exclusively and leaves the kitchen and his room a state.

If you're going to do it then you really should charge him a percentage of the rent/mortgage cost too as, as a previous poster explained, if he wasn't living there they could have a smaller house with less outgoings AND if he was a genuine housemate he'd be paying towards rent.

Very interesting idea but you have to go all in with it. At 16 he's legally able to work and as soon as I turned 16 I was expected to get a job and my pocket money stopped. Maybe go down the route of what other people have said and show him a spreadsheet of all the incoming money and the outgoings.. if he wants to be all big for his boots and be independent he can go out and work for it?

I’m finding this interesting

Netflix was mentioned and I realised I get to watch Netflix as dd2 pays for it and has set it up On my device with my own login- does this cost her extra?

😂 Love the idea, you’ll probably need to lock the fridge/freezer. My son works PT as he’s at college but is loaded after his waiter job and has more spends than us (about £600 pcm or £1200 in holidays) However, he’s always moaning about being hard done by. I’ve shown him the costs of house shares and he was pretty horrified! We also pay for/do pretty much all the same things you do @SunshineAngel These kids are just ungrateful.

@ivykaty44 possibly, yes. If not, it limits the amount of devices she can have as you are using one. So overall, yes she would be paying more for you to have access and your own log in.

OP, I think this is a great idea! I think you've got it right with the amount of money you are allowing him as your dp is still paying his share of the bills and mortgage/rent. Also, you'll need something for when this goes tits up at month end and he has little left.
Either way, if it goes well or badly, I would say do the spreadsheet thing anyway to show him where the money goes. Then show him that if he wants more money, a part time job is the answer, not his parents.
Also, be ready for him to blow it all in a week, decide against the idea then decide he wants another go at the start of next month
Please keep us posted

I would take this way too seriously. I would get him to sign a rental lease. Clearly outlining what he is paying for. A furnished room with wifi, council tax, water, electric ect. His responsibilities with reguard to housework. He does his own cooking, washing, ironing. Maintains communal areas.

Look at the cost of a room rental locally and deduct his fathers maintenance costs too. So if the average room rental locally is £600pc. Both his parents maintenance contributions cover rent.

That leaves him with £80 child benifit to live on. Put locks on cupboards/ fridge/freezer. We have a freezer in the shed so he could for example use that for his food.

I agree with making sure he knows how much electricity, water, council rates etc are.
Good luck

I think this is a good idea! He'll soon realise that it's not the huge amount of money it seems and it'll be gone in an instant! I give him a month 🙈

Great idea! Please keep us updated

Give him the money weekly or he'll run out of travel and food money by week 2.

Don't forget to do the rota for chores like hoovering the hall, cleaning the bathroom etc. And label your food in the fridge! Aren't you setting him up to fail though if the 'bills' are £200 and travel is £25 a week?

This whole thing is rather pathetic of you and pretty fuck*d up. I highly doubt you spend the 380 on your dss. Good luck to him I say. He’s better off without you.

Brilliant idea, following with interest