Play date anxiety...

[overthinking2020]

It's an 'Am I Being Unusual' rather than unreasonable I suppose, I know that I'm being unreasonable! Name changed.
I had a horrible, horrible childhood. Parents both pretty narcissistic and emotionally abusive (something that I've only been able to say out loud in the last few years, even typing it feels weird). One had addiction problems. Home life was stressful and I can't remember not feeling on edge. There was either lots of money or none at all. The house was pretty rundown, wallpaper peeling off walls etc. Not trying to be all 'poor me', just trying to explain how things were. Anyway! As a result we didn't have people over much. I had to try to time friends visiting around when addict parent would be functioning, when there was enough money for a friend to be able to stay for dinner, that sort of thing.
Fast forward quite a few years and my life is very very different (hooray!). Very happily married, not rolling around in piles of money but enough, we rent a little home that could probably do with new carpets but is clean, warm and tidy Generally I'm doing ok. We have one wonderful DC, aged 5. DC is bright, confident and very popular. This is bloody brilliant, as I've done my best to be the opposite of my parents. However, it also means that I'm in unfamiliar territory. DC has started getting invited for play dates and to request them at home. I have obviously accepted invitations and allowed DC to invite some friends over. These are all in the diary now and happening imminently. DC very excited. I'm bricking it.
I cannot shake the feeling of not being good enough. Pre-DC we never had people over very often, just tended to go out. No real reason for that. Since DC arrived I've made sure DC got to socialise lots, but we've tended to do that at soft plays, playgroups, cafes etc. Not intentionally really, it just seems to be the way everyone does it around here. The few times we have had people with DC over they've been people I have gotten to know reasonably well.
I KNOW I'm being ridiculous but I can't stop panicking that people will judge our home, judge what I cook or offer to drink, visiting DC will find it boring or feel uncomfortable.. the list goes on. Has anyone been where I am? Is it just a case of the more we do it, the better I'll feel? I'm currently at the stage of thinking that we need to buy certain new items of furniture before we can possibly have anyone over (!), and also worrying that I will massively upset the mother of the DC we have been invited to visit by taking a packet of small cakes with us (What if they don't do sweets? Will she think I'm a terrible mother? Will I be putting her in an awful position?).
Any advice, at all? I want DC to feel that their friends are always welcome, I'd like spontaneous play dates to be absolutely fine without my panicking that the windows aren't clean enough. Help!

Anyone you have a play date with at yours is just very, very grateful it’s you clearing up after not them!

From a fellow turner around of a shit start. ⭐️

Ok, deep breath because you know you are overthinking this. Only doing it a few times will help I think but I can give a few pointers.

If collecting both DC from school can you bring a snack and a drink and take them to a playground for a while to blow off steam? Little boys can get rather overexcited about play dates so some physical exercise is good. Then home for a play, keeping an eye on them but letting them get on with it. Lego or imaginative play is great. If they are more arty maybe an easy activity to do.

Then tea. Check with other DC’s mother if there are any dietary requirements and then feed them whatever you know they both like. Keep it simple. My DS was horrified to be offered stuffed peppers with anchovies .

Time for a quiet play or a bit of screen time. Then pick up time. Give warnings as it draws to a close as home time can also be a trigger for silliness.

When other parent arrives it’s up to you whether to offer a cup of tea or just a few minutes chat and hand guest child over.

A couple of hours is plenty. No new furniture required.

When you go to collect your DC from play dates remind them to say thank you nicely and only hang around for a cup of tea if you really think the host wants to as it tends to be a busy time of day for those with other children. Keep it quite superficial but pleasant.

You’ll soon be in the swing of it. Once a week is enough imo.

You definitely don't need new furniture! Kids are not interested in the quality / style of your home furnishings, they are interested in playing, what you offer to eat and if they are made to feel welcome and secure. Definitely find out what their favourite dinner is and offer that, definitely have some snacks ready for when they come in after school as they are always starving, I usually offer chopped cucumber, peppers, apple, breadsticks and pom bears that sort thing on a plate where they can help themselves. I usually do a jug of squash which they can also help themselves to. Get some toys / colouring / lego / dressing up (whatever your DC is into) and have it accessible wherever you prefer them to play. If their parent is staying for the play date (often some will especially if they don't know you and they're keen to be friends) then offer tea/coffee biscuits. In my experience kids play better when their parents are not there, my DC show off and can be rude when I'm around so I now avoid staying on play dates! Tell collecting parent "we'll have tea at X time so feel free to collect them at X time" to manage expectations, definitely offer a cuppa on collection but usually most parents are keen to get going to sort other kids out etc. Well done for trying to overcome your worries so your DC has a good experience, different to yours. Once you get a few under your belt you will feel much better about it all. Be prepared for the mess that occurs on a play date and try to be relaxed about it, as long as nothing is broken or damaged obviously. You have got this!

Thanks all! You've all confirmed that the nuts and bolts I thought I already knew are correct, so that's helpful. I don't mind mess at all - I basically have a rule that DC can pull whatever out to play with, but I want a tidy living room to sit in once bedtime is done
Parent of DC we went to visit did not have a butler and stables, was not aghast at cakes and to my knowledge has not reported me to Social Services, so that's a win.
Ok, I just need to truck on then. I think I might set up an activity (like icing biscuits or some craft) to give me something to focus on before pick up, when I'm most likely to be feeling nervous.
I think that's the trickiest bit of a dysfunctional childhood. You miss out on learning things that other people don't even realise they needed to learn!

You're doing great op!! Once the first few are over and done with you'll get used to it. You don't have to really do anything for playdates just have snacks available, let them know where the loo is, and since you're lucky enough to have a sociable, popular child the rest will work itself out!

I get very anxious about guests. I also had a difficult childhood and was very aware that my home life was inferior that that of my peers.

You sound as if you've made a lovely life for yourself, try and relax (easier said than done) and remember that most people are grateful for the invitation and to be out of their own homes.

Thank you both. @ironicname have you found that you get less anxious the more you do it? Or do you think it’s just something that there will always be a little bit of lurking in the back of your mind?

@overthinking

I think that I will always hate it, the relief when it’s over is the best bit!

Note to self: Put wine in fridge before play date