AIBU to be ask your advice R.E. first time Mum

[FebruaryBlueberry]

Hi everyone

I am expecting my first baby in June and I really want to at least TRY to get myself prepared for the birth, actually looking after a baby and keeping it alive. I know next to nothing. My MIL is overbearing and is being very patronising so I want to be fully armed with knowledge so I can set my boundaries and let her know believe that I know exactly what I am doing.

So my question is, does anyone have any recommendations for books that will help me? I know I wont really do my learning until baby is here but I am trying to prepare! DP feels the same.

I am currently looking at The Positive Birth Book by Milli Hill but it has mixed reviews and gives the impression it is fairly hippyish.

So any advice would be great (it's my birthday and I have an Amazon voucher to spend too!)

I’d watch one born every minute, more realistic and covers more.

Pregnancy for dummies was really good, very informative but with humour too so an enjoyable read for both me and DH.

Hiya!

I was in the exact same situation as you a few years back. Didn't have the slightest idea about how to look after a baby and also overbearing in laws.

I purchased the book in the attached pic and it tells you what to expect from your baby each week starting from newborn. I found it mega helpful.

Everything else just kind of falls in to place. A lot of the time I didn't know what I was doing! Winged it and have a really lovely, well behaved, funny little girl.

Regarding in laws, It's really hard, but if they constantly try and give you advice and make you feel like you're doing a sh*t job, I would get your partner to tell them it's making you feel this way and could they reign it in. EVENTUALLY (in my experience) they stop doing it! Took a while for me though as I wasn't very ballsy 😂.

I wouldn’t read up to much on giving birth to be honest. I read all the books, I did nct and knew what sort of birth I’d be having. It all went out of the window and wasn’t much use in the end. And then felt very unprepared to actually look after a baby, I’d very much focused on giving birth and not what happens after!

A really good book for me was your baby week by week. It basically tells you what to expect, how much a baby will be feeding, napping and has really helpful advice on looking after them. I’d never looked after a baby before my own and had no clue and this book really helped me.

Good luck and with your mil don’t let her be overbearing and pushy just because she has more experience than you! You will know your baby best and don’t have to listen to anything she is telling you if you don’t want to.

Overbearing in what way? I think the most useful thing would be to set expectations for around the birth now. You need DH to support you and make sure you have the time to establish breastfeeding (if that's what you choose) and the generally get to know your new little person. Setting out boundaries now will help in the long run.

I love the positive birth book - read it in the run up to giving birth to my second child. I also recommend the positive birth hypnobirthing. They are not related to each other but go together well.

Talk to your DH about your MIL. There is no need to discuss your labour with your MIL at all. If she says anything just glaze over and say thanks I will discuss it with my midwife and then change the subject.

"What to expect in the first year" is good. It deals with things week by week, so fairly easy to dip in and out of as you need it. I've heard good things about "Wonder Weeks", although haven't read it myself (& I think there is an app that you can get if you prefer)

I found this clip very interesting when I had my first (all about the secret language of babies and what their different cries mean)

If you intend to breastfeed I'd recommend buying some lansinoh cream and possibly nipple shields.
www.amazon.co.uk/Lansinoh-Lanolin-Nipple-Cream-40ml/dp/B007ZNGUZY/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Medela-Contact-Nipple-Shields-Medium/dp/B001M0VW86/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Re the birth, nothing can prepare you because every birth is different. Only advice would be to pack your hospital bag and make sure you have lots of snacks and drinks in it.

Thanks everyone. I think I need books more for when the baby is here as someone else mentioned I am fully prepared for the birth plan to go out the window!

Actually, what birth plan? Lol, I am trying to prepare for any eventuality which I know is probably impossible. I am very fearful of labour so want to try hypnobirthing but it is so bloody expensive so if anyone knows of any cheap alternatives...?

@Nik101 This looks like exactly what I am looking for, thank you!

What to expect in the first year" is good. It deals with things week by week, so fairly easy to dip in and out of as you need it

It is good but don't get too hung up on the milestones. What they describe as the average time for a baby to do something appeared to be very early. I wound myself up worrying.

The best advice is to ignore advice. Well ignore the advice you don't like and take the advice you do. And particularly ignore all the snide remarks about never sleeping again or never being able to go to the loo alone again. Some babies sleep well and I very rarely had to share the loo with ds unless we were out somewhere.

Do what suits you! And all the best.

Some people will hate this, I expect, but I found the 7pm to 7am Sleeping Baby Routine book to be really useful in giving me some guidance on a routine, what to expect and what to do (though I did not follow it religiously!) Could be worth a peek.

IMHO, you don't need to do too much to 'prepare' for the birth, except obviously attend all your midwife appointments. What happens happens and the professionals will take care of you.

Emily Ostler's book Cribsheet is quite good (although US-focused), she has another one on pregnancy which I haven't read but is also supposed to be good.

I used Penelope Leach but it's a bit vague tbh. I also had Your Baby Week By Week which was a bit more specific.

If there's any kind of babycare class at the hospital I would take it.

Are you talking about the practicalities of having a baby? There is nothing worse than when you are trying to find your feet and someone is telling you what they think you should do.
This may sound daft but you may find it useful get a baby size doll to practice on.
Feeding - practice how to hold the doll/baby when feeding. If breastfeeding read up on cluster feeding - totally normal in the early days.
If formula feeding maybe do some research on the different formulas on the market and how to wash, sterilise and make up bottles. There are guidelines regarding how to make up bottles - the temperature of the water and how much powder to use. Read up on different sterilisers which do you think would work best for you. Also read up on different burping techniques- all babies are different and respond in different ways.
Using the doll practice how to change nappies and getting baby dressed/undressed.
Most importantly this is your baby and you will get to know your baby very quickly and hope fully your MIL will respect this and not railroad you.

Go to NCT classes. My midwife said that mums/dads who have been do tend to be better prepared and I definitely was. I didn’t find the birth a scary/daunting experience as I knew what to expect.

I bought loads of books and didn’t read any!

For hypnobirthing have a look at the positive birth company online course.

If planning to breastfeed I would recommend doing the Team Baby course from Association of Breastfeeding Mother’s, it’s online and only £5.99 and really good to help you know what to expect at the start and what is normal baby behaviours.

In terms of the in-laws I would have discussions with husband early on to make sure you are on the same page and he will be able to support you.

I had a brilliant book called ‘First time parent’ by Lucy Atkins. Really simple advice, no nonsense and practical. It felt very reassuring and not overwhelming at all.

Oh and I got the Baby Whisperer Sleep book. I didn’t do her whole routine. The whole book was overwhelming. But the sleep one alone is simple advice that worked with napping

In a way I would recommend not reading too many books. Honestly Dr Spock had totally the right idea when he counselled 'Trust yourself, you know more than you think'

Go to NCT, do whatever you need (within the bounds of legality!) to get through the first 12 weeks, honestly you cannot 'create bad habits' in a newborn by overdoing any love, attention etc.

Expecting better is awesome for arming yourself with knowledge. I recommend it to everyone!

Just remember that whatever 'routine' you set up for your baby, will become what it expects! Try and make bedtime simple for YOU!!!
Tire baby out by letting it kick on a changing mat with no clothes on, in the bath etc.
A nice peaceful feed and then [fingers crossed] plonk it down to sleep - no distracting lights or anything.
If you start cuddling it to sleep or sleeping with it, that will become the norm.
Good luck!

The day by day pregnancy book and the day by day baby book. Really super helpful.

FTM of a 5 month old here Prior to my LO arriving, I asked people for their experiences; looked on here for various help/advice and attended all midwife appointments & hypnobirthing. Once he was here, it was still google I used late at night/early mornings for advice (plus a few texts to the health visitor) but also attended a few parent and baby classes. We’ve been to some support groups too that have been worth their weight in gold! We didn’t bother with books because information and guidelines are always changing so was wary of taking any particular book as gospel.

In terms of planning for birth, are there any hypnobirthing classes that you can attend for free? It was something that we wouldn’t have paid for but it was nice to have. We also didn’t go to any of the NCT classes (have heard mixed reviews of these).

It’s good to have a birth plan of sorts but as a few people have already said; things can change when you’re at that point. I realised both a few weeks before due date and whilst actually in labour, I didn’t really care. I was just focused on getting him out as quickly and safely as possible. I always said I wanted a water birth, that went out the window - I was very uncomfortable in the water. I also said absolutely no epidural and didn’t want any kind of instrumental birth. I begged for an epidural and c-section when I was finally in active labour. Just make sure your birth partner also knows your preferences etc but most importantly, make sure you’re happy with how things are going.

I find that there’s a lot of learning on the job with a baby. Sometimes things don’t go to plan but there’s quite often no right or wrong way. It can be good to hear advice or other’s experiences but know that you can take or leave it. I’ve found my intuition to be quite reliable and hopefully that’ll work for you as well.

Congratulations and good luck!

Google fourth trimester, baby is still a part of you for the first few months.