Or is dh about mornings?

[Pumpkinspicewhatever]

Just wondered if anyone has any similar experiences on this. I have a 5 yo dd, she’s not my dh’s but they have I think a pretty good relationship (her dad has never been in the picture if that’s relevant.)
Dh sees her as his and his family adore her, we split her costs equally, he does school drop offs and I do pickups etc.
However it seems like despite having been in her life since she was 2, dh has not learnt the parenting type strategies needed to deal with difficult moments. It’s become painfully obvious since my work hours changed last year and I have to leave earlier than them, and it always seems to turn into a tantrum. She’s not great in the mornings like most kids I imagine, and often has the not wanting to get dressed/brush teeth/turn off tv battles. I was getting texts at work from dh saying that dd refuses to put on her coat, do teeth etc. So I started getting up earlier in order to get her breakfast, dressed and teeth done before I leave the house. Like today.. all that was done and so what he had to do was get her coat on and drop her at school round the corner from our house. However, I got yet another text from him saying she’d had a tantrum about coat. I think in these situations he just gets cross quickly and takes toys away, etc... he doesn’t have the patience and strategies that I’ve developed to deal with it. Even though he’s seen me do this a million times.
This also happens when I go for a run in the evenings (30-40 minutes 4 times a week.) I get her dinner done before I go, he does t have to do anything but be there. But sometimes I will get texts on my run saying she’s had a tantrum or something. It makes me dread going out for even that 30 minutes.
I’ve tried everything. Getting up earlier and rushing to get us both ready, introducing reward charts and jars, buying her new toothbrush, downloading a tooth brushing game app, giving her loads of cuddles before work so she’s not feeling sad when I go, and now I’ve suggested to dh that I take over the school dropoff as he says it makes his whole morning really stressy (and I don’t want dd going to school stressed or upset either, it’s shit for her)
Am I expecting too much of dh as a stepdad? Is there anything I can do to improve dd behaviour when I’m not around? She’s going through a phase of being clingy to me because her best friend who lived Nextdoor moved away a month or so ago and she’s mentioned being sad about it. Whenever I’m with her I’m very engaged, we do reading, crafts, swimming, playing and I pick her up from school every day.
Or does dh jjst need to pull himself together? It seems like in worst case scenario he maybe cba to work out how to get a child to do anything. I don’t expect him to be a parent in the way that I am- when we are all at home he can relax and play his game, or do whatever. I only really ask him to go solo for half an hour in the mornings and half an hour or so in the evenings 3 or 4 times a week. But he’s pushing for when we will have a baby, and I don’t think he seems mature enough for a tiny baby, if he is this impatient.
Ughh any thoughts? If you think I sound pfb about dd please just say, btw...

Incidentally I guess I’m partly asking because I watched the kate Ferdinand show about step parents and I know it’s a tough job, I’m not expecting dh to be perfect...

Mine is like this and he is dd's dad. Absolutely no patience at all and everything is an argument. She doesn't have a phone ( 7) but she will frequently call me via Alexa and have me referee, he does this too. I had to go away for work last month for a week and not only was the house upside when I returned the both of them were so pleased to have me back for the routine and stability. I have no advice except my offering of telling you your not alone x

Is it definitely that he can't cope? I've texted my DH when DD refuses to leave the park before. Not because he can do anything to help, because I'm just having a moan.

Ask him if he needs help coming up with strategies to help, or if he just wants to give up. If it's the latter, you'll need to have serious chats before having a baby.

I'm not sure I understand the battle over the coat. Yes she should brush her teeth, but surely you just sat, are you going to put your coat on? If she says no, pick it up and take it to school? She'll soon ask for it if she's cold and wet?

I think mornings can be stressy generally can't they? I know you say you help get her sorted and everything, but at that moment when she's refusing to go out the door or whatever, he's the only one there. I've often been the only one there with my own DDs when they were a similar age and it can be exasperating. Your DH maybe needs to just get used to it, your DD needs to get used to it - sounds like it's still a relatively new routine. He'll work out his own strategies and you might have to put up with him venting off until he gets there.

Could you sometimes go running when DD is in bed?

Sounds to me as if your DD is acting a little ‘spoilt’. She’s got used to you persuading and cajoling her to do things in the morning and because your DH doesn’t do the same, she throws a strop.

She needs to learn morning routines need to be followed foe the good of the family. Start by instigating a no tv in the morning routine. Refuses to being her teeth when asked, no sweets or treats until she starts brushing without fuss., etc. Won’t put on her coat, well - don’t wear it and be cold.

Mornings are busy enough without having to cajole.

Mine is exactly like this. Within 5 minutes of him being in charge both of my children are crying/throwing tantrums.

I have concluded that it is a lack of empathy. He just doesn't see it from a child's point of view. He is also inconsistent, stupid threats that the children know are ridiculous. Expectations that are not age appropriate, leading by poor example. He doesn't recognise anxiety or confusion when he is rushing them in the mornings. He is a work in progress. And when I try and point it out, he gets defensive.

I do point these things out to him, and I am by no means perfect, especially as I am taking on his load of the parenting, but he has got better. Also my gobby kids call him out often. I just sometimes show him how it's done as well. I also point out that it's not the children's fault, as they behave well at school and with me, it's definitely him.

I'd suggest parenting classes. I went , my husband refused, but maybe something you both can do before you try for another baby?

Someone told me once, don't confront out manoeuvre, and I definitely think this works better with kids!! My dh is the same, he will just rub them up the wrong way, I think it is lack of empathy as pp suggests.