Social worker out of order?

[Idontknowwhat2do]

A while ago I made a post about how I'd been experiencing psychosis and was struggling to cope with my 2 year old DD. After the post I spoke to the HV and she made a referal to SS for a bit of extra support. My situation hasn't improved since then and I've been suicidal but I've been working with the mental health team to help with that. A while ago I had bought something to hurt myself but worked with the team to dispose of it. But since the SW has been involved things have been very overwhelming and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and this is normal SS behaviour or if I have a right to be fuming.

At first it started off with the social worker being half an hour late to our appointments every time, being very harsh about my suicidal thoughts and hallucinations, and calling me 7 times in the space of an hour. If I was in appointments, she got annoyed that I didn't answer, saying I needed to cooperate. So I already felt uncomfortable. My family said I should complain but I didn't want to make a fuss.

But today takes the cake. Yesterday my DM recieved 6 missed calls from SS while she was at work. She called back but the SW had gone home and they wouldn't tell her anything. Then today the SW calls her and tells her about the suicidal thoughts and that I'd bought something to hurt myself. My mum didn't know about it. She also tells her they're seeking to put me and my daughter under child protection. But they haven't even told me that yet! The SW clearly had enough time to call my DM 6 times yesterday but couldn't even drop me a text?! And I have no idea why they're disclosing personal information to my DM without talking to me first. I'm an adult, I don't live with her and she has no input in my daughters care. She doesn't even look after her!

Is this normal, am I just being unreasonable or do I have a good reason to be so angry?

Do you have a regular therapy day? Perhaps going forward you can inform her on x day I'm at my appointments?

The getting annoyed that you don't respond while in appointments is clearly ridiculous. Can you request a different social worker?

You bought something to try and kill yourself a “while ago”?
You are feeling suicidal?
You are suffering psychosis and the drugs aren’t managing this yet

Your child needs to be removed at least temporarily. She is at immediate risk of harm. I’m surprised this hadn’t happened.

That’s the priority.
The next priority is your MH, and getting that in a better place.

@SmileEachDay totally wrong thing to say

Removal of OPs child won’t help. She needs support and help not to be made to feel rubbish she isn’t a danger to her child

I would report the breach of confidentiality if you are able to OP and with the best will in the world I understand you not wanting to bring your Mum into the situation but if you and she have a good relationship, reach out to her with what small ways she can help lift some of the practical load (if that makes sense?).

I had a very aggressive SW when my twins were due to come home from hospital (I called her the attack dog at the time) her approach was very unsuited to my personality type and she very nearly prevented my DC from coming home at all. I (like you) felt that all she did was add to my emotional/mental spiral - I called and asked to speak to one of the managers at the SW office and explained this as calmly and neutrally as I could.

I explained I was more than willing to work with them as a team as I wanted to do everything I could for my children, but the relationship between me and the SW in question was fraught already and I felt it was becoming more a hindrance than help (I had also self referred via my HV for support) they allocated a different person to my case and she was far more suited to me.

I’m so sorry you’re going through such a time OP and I wish you strength.

SpeechIssue

With respect, I’ve worked with two separate cases where the mother was saying exactly what the OP said on her last thread and this one.

The children in both those cases were at serious risk of harm.

The 2 year old in the OPs situation is the priority - sometimes the most caring response is a robust one.

How did sw have your dm number? Assuming you passed it on, or she has been involved in your situation with them, if they were unable to contact you they would reasonably try her. Difficult as to whether she has breeched gdpr , but certainly your confidentiality, unless she feared for your/your dc immediate safety in which case Safeguarding procedures may supercede . Does your dd go to nursery and are you on a support programme?

I hear that you are upset. But this isn't about you it's about your child. You absolutely need to be putting them first and foremost. Not answering the phone to a SW - even with a polite can't talk now ill ring you back - isn't helpful. Whether these were medical apps or hair/nails ones.
You will be being looked at from a safeguarding/child protection point of view. I would hazard a guess that your mum may have misunderstood or put words in the SW's mouth.
It's really hard but showing anger and antagonism towards them is going to be self sabotaging.
Sorry I know I sound harsh but it comes from a good place as I'm in the same boat.

OP, I think it sounds like your SW is behaving terribly. Absolutely ridiculous to say that not answering a phone during an appointment is being uncooperative. Especially when you call them back at the next available opportunity. If you are (for example) in a counselling appointment you have to switch your phone off or put it on silent so that you can fully engage with the session. Failing to engage with the MH team would actually be uncooperative.

As for telling your DM your personal info - I'd report it to the ICO. Speaking to your mother in order to establish whether she could act as a temporary carer is fair enough. Going in to detail about the reasons why isn't.

smileeachday, I really hope you aren't actually a social worker. You do not have enough information to determine whether the OP's child would need to be removed.

All you can do in this situation is to do exactly as social services tell you to do. Don’t try to fight them or antagonise them. Things will only get worse for you if you do. Sorry.

Perfect

I’m not a SW. I’m a safeguarding officer.

The OP on this thread and the last has detailed extreme psychosis, including daily hallucinations and suicidal ideation to the extent that she bought something to kill herself with. That action puts her in the high risk category for attempting suicide.

Her daughter’s safety is at risk, as is her own.

SmileEachDay how do you know there are no protective factors? No support network, either formal or informal? You can’t risk assess based on words on a screen. Our jobs would be much easier if we could! We can’t, it’s unethical.

I asked for the help, I want to work with the SW but they're not telling me anything anymore. I don't want to lose my little girl, she's the most important part of my life. I'm really trying to hold myself together for her, and I do my best to make sure all her needs are met despite my own problems.

SmileEachDay those are rather intrusive questions, no? OP has already said she's working with agencies and wants help. Perhaps online support can be given without asking her to disclose highly personal and sensitive information to a stranger on the internet?

The OP is free not to answer.

But it’s her daughter’s care that should be the priority. If the OP has regular suicidal ideation and is in sole charge of a small child, I’m not surprised the SW is concerned about not being able to contact her.

Some brilliant advice from lots of people, OP.

I especially agree with BobTheDuvet "I would say, from my own experiences, that it will not be helpful if you express anger towards them at all."

and

"Being solution focused is helpful, so for eg when you've been in appointments and couldn't answer, and the SW says you need to go-operate: this is unfair however there's no point arguing it, just move on to addressing whatever it is they were calling about."

Even in a counselling appointment I would ask if you can have your phone on vibrate and just answer to say I am at the doctors I will back in an hour, or whatever.

In order not to be misleading I am an adopter and our son joined us at age 3. So my experience of social workers is very different to yours in some respects.

However, I've also had issues with our other child and so I've had to be at the other end of investigations to ensure all is well.

As I mentioned before, up-thread, my dd has mental health issues, including thoughts and attempts at suicide, and so I can see some of the terribly difficult situation you are in.

Please do not focus on your anger or what you perceive as any unfairness in the way things are from your social worker.

Call your GP, ask when the medical review will be, explain it is urgent. Focus on your health and getting better and doing all you can to ensure your dd is safe.

We are all routing for you.

My dear friend killed herself and left behind two lovely young children. It really will be harmful to your dd if you do this, so even if you do not always feel value for your life, remember, you are your dd's world. SHE needs you. So please focus on accessing help and getting well.

xxxx

I've been the subject of a Child Protection Plan, OP. My adopted DDs were aged 7 and 4 and I was dealing with memories coming back of my childhood SA, which had led to me drinking too much and my MH in a bad place, as well as having to cope with DD1's violent meltdowns because of her adoption related attachment issues. There was also a police investigation going on about the abuse suffered by my DSis and me. (Thankfully, my DH was supportive.

I knew I was out of my depth so I reported myself to SS. The SW didn't trust me at first, as there were a couple of misunderstandings where she thought I'd misled her, but I worked hard to cooperate and in the end she really helped to get the school on board to help DD1 (now 10).

It's down to you to prove to the SW that you're able to keep your DD safe. You were obviously very near the edge, and if you told her that you'd obtained the means to actually commit suicide, of course she'll be thinking that your DD is at risk, especially if she can't get hold of you.

Remember, your SW doesn't know you, so it's down to you to show her that you're a good mum and that you're doing what you can to get yourself together.

And even if your psychosis is such that you really might actually hurt or kill yourself (and not just thinking about it, which I've done before), then you need to be in hospital, getting the help you need. It wouldn't have to be forever; I gave friends who have been into hospital for a time and then come out and rebuilt their lives.

And surely it would make sense if, in the event that you do need to go into hospital (if you might genuinely take steps to end your life) then surely it's a good thing that the SW has been in touch with your DM? It would be better for your DD to be placed with the grandma she knows than to go into foster care.

Maybe it won't come to that. But there's only one person that can convince SS that you can be a good mum to your DD and that's you. So I don't think advice to make a complaint is helpful. If your SW hasn't handled this right, you need to be in a better place so you can see things clearly. And maybe a complaint will be an appropriate course of action, once you've come out the other side.

I hope your DM can support you in the meantime. Are there any friends you can talk to as well? SS will want to know that you have a good support network.

You can get through this and come out the other side.

But it’s her daughter’s care that should be the priority. If the OP has regular suicidal ideation and is in sole charge of a small child, I’m not surprised the SW is concerned about not being able to contact her.

I'm not surprised either. But that doesn't necessitate you asking really personal and intrusive questions of a stranger. It is possible to provide constructive support without asking her to share highly personal information.

put it behind you op.
today is a new day.
work with your SW and with your therapy

Social workers in my experience can over-react (understandably as they're damned if they do and damned if they don't), ime. I would establish why she contacted your mum and take it from there.

I had a situation where my DC's SW cancelled 2 meetings - the first I turned up to as only got told too late. At the next meeting she said she had been concerned about me not cooperating when it was her that had cancelled the meetings!!

If you are ringing up and they are telling you that the SW is not available, ask to speak to a member of management. If they then say no managers are available, ask for an email address to write to.

Detail in the email all the things you sre not happy with. For a start, if the social worker was worried about you, she ca call your mum to ask about your welfare etc but she CANNOT divulge any personal information about your case, especially seen as these things havent been discussed with you.

I would also write in the email that you dont feel the SW is helping you in any way, you are trying hard to get your mental health under control and SW is adding to stress due to the details you have outlined. Specifically ask for another SW

My DDs' SW certainly did overreact. In her report she quoted my DD1 (then 7) saying that I drank wine in mugs. That wasn't true at all; yes I was drinking too much, but that didn't mean that I didn't also drink tea.

And yes, I was also unhappy about the lack of confidentiality. At the case conferences, they brought up the subject of my childhood SA, but it had no relevance to the school. It was the past and none of the abusers (aside from my DB, who was also a victim and who the girls never saw) were alive anymore. I was very upset, as there really was no reason to mention it.

They were also incredibly insensitive. There were 3 different chairs so there was no continuity. The second one opened up with, 'Where's your F now?' It wouldn't have taken much effort to work out that he was dead and had been for 18 years.

But that doesn't necessitate you asking really personal and intrusive questions of a stranger

Which the OP is free to ignore - which she has, and that’s fine.

It’s exactly the kind of question the professionals involved will be asking, it might help the OP reflect on why they are behaving in the way they are.