Hi, sorry this is really long. I really don’t know how to tackle this. But it’s gone on too long because of my own issue and because of the awkwardness of the situation but I really need help and advice as my daughter is struggling and it’s affecting me so much as well as my other child.
I have two kids, one who is gregarious and has a huge amount of friends, one who is less confident and has had the same tiny group of four friends since reception.
In year 4, one of the four went rogue and became a serious bully but four became three and remained a very close and tight trio: My daughter who I’ll call A, her two besties B and C.
In year five another of the group (B) became a bully and that left my dc and her now only friend C.
B, who most recently became a bully, was A’s very best friend for years, since nursery and she has been hurt and devastated by the change in B’s behaviour.
He has mainly directed it at my dc and the other friend although apparently targets a few others too including my other child who is younger but at the same school.
The bullying appears to happen daily and takes numerous forms, physical and verbal but also things like deleting her work on the computer when she’s not looking and various other work sabotage including ripping up work, tripping up in games etc. It always appears to go unseen and done in places where no teachers witness but plenty of kids do. He appears to have a team who also carry out his bidding.
He is much bigger physically and I have always really liked him.
I mentioned it early in the new academic year at parents’ evening and the teacher said he’d form a kind of intervention between the trio to try and fix things. He was really shocked as thought they are very tight knit.
they all got together and talked it through but B denied everything and my daughter (A) said it didn’t change anything afterwards and that B just became more careful where and how he bullied A and C.
I had to go in for a meeting regarding something else (family support due to my disability) and whilst there my daughter’s old teacher asked how she’s doing now she’s moved up a year. I told her she’s doing ok but really struggling with the relationship with B. This teacher looked at me as though I was lying and said ‘I really can’t see B ever doing that and that ‘girls are prone to misinterpret things’
I also gather that B’s older siblings also bully him.
Now this is where it gets a little bit more tricky.
I really like B’s mum, I consider her a friend but on a quite superficial level, we have lots of connections and we genuinely get on although are not close, she’s a lovely, decent woman.
She works for the school in a consulting role and is hugely popular and respected.
C’s mum also works in the school. She’s equally lovely and our three kids made a great team together.
I had planned to see how things went at school and then speak to B’s mum myself but she was working away so I didn’t get the chance.
my exh approached her in the playground to ask what’s going on between our kids. B’s mum was horrified and the next time I bumped into her she said that exh had approached her and she was really bemused... she said B was gutted and had no idea why my daughter had stopped being his friend.
We agreed it might be worth getting them together outside of school to try and have an informal and fun intervention type affair but my daughter refuses point blank to interact with him outside of school and rightly says ‘I don’t want to be with him because he’s so mean’. I’m trying to say maybe it’s worth addressing it outside of school we might get more done that way.
She’s coming home every day with stories about spite and attacks and her behaviour is deteriorating steadily. she’s appearing very angry and blowing up at everything and being quite mean, destructive and bullying type behaviour to us at home.
I’m really struggling with my own mental and physical health and not always the most patient and understanding and it’s making our relationship fraught.
tonight after yet another huge meltdown she really broke down about it and it’s clear how much it’s affecting her.
Because I work I’m hardly ever at school. I’m constantly reiterating ‘tell the teacher’ but I’m not sure how often she actually does it. I’ve said I can speak to the teacher this week again. I’m friendly with the deputy head and I’m considering approaching her instead of A’s teacher, she already knows some of the background anyway.
My daughter tells me that C’s mum has been addressing it with the school as her child is also really struggling with it.
I don’t see C’s mum because our schedules clash but I see the dad a lot as we are often at the evening and early morning drop off/ pick ups.
tonight I said ‘let’s start writing everything down including what happened and each time you ‘told’ and who you told and whether they spoke to him or not than I can take it to the school and ask for more help’
A begged me not to speak to the teacher because she’s got to the age now where she doesn’t want to be ’a snitch’ but I’m trying to explain that bullies use the term snitch to make you feel bad about asking for help.
So...
Thank you for perseverance thus far....
She has asked instead that I speak to B’s mum before going to the teacher.
I also feel that B’s mum deserves this because if I have to re-approach school regarding this I will be escalating it.
Anyway...
The whole point of this meandering message is to ask for help in how to word a message to the mum, we rarely speak as we don’t have a telephone relationship and see each other once in a blue moon, usually by accident.
I would like to message her in the first instance and explain how A has broken down tonight and that she’s mentioning B as the cause of her not wanting to go back to school etc but I don’t want to
- inflame something
- accuse
upset the mum spoil our friendship
- call her child a liar
I’d really appreciate the help as I have a very full and tired brain, I’m battling a lot of stuf right now and don’t know where to start.
I guess my aibu is:
Am I being unreasonable to ask you to be my mentors?