That I don’t want to be DH’s mother?!

[DICarter1]

I’ve been a sahm for 10 years (we have two children with complex needs so working hasn’t really been an option until now). I’m working part time, picking the kids up straight from work and doing pretty much everything I did before but with the add on of working.

Dh is late 30s but asks everything “Should I leave the casserole out?” Or “what should I do X for tea?” Or “Do you know where item Y is?” Rather than look. He holds down a responsible job and I’m already sick of carrying the mental, physical and emotional load. And I’m fast getting bloody sick of it. I’m much wiser than I was when I met him 20 years ago and I might have run a mile. He does the bit he wants but it’s like parenting 4 kids. Any advice please?

Find a way to talk to him. Get some counselling for yourself if you can, it'll help get matters straight in your own head. Many men are like this because they can be. Some can change.

Unfortunately they're kind of all like that. So annoying. Maybe give him a lost of chores and treat him like a teenager?

You need to make certain jobs his and his alone, e.g. the shopping/cooking or laundry.

At the moment you're the 'boss' and he's merely the worker bee so he defers to you. He needs to become in charge of some of the tasks, and take on all of the responsibility and decision-making for those tasks.

'Hmmm whatever you think love'
'I'm not sure - you decide'
'I don't know'

And occasionally when I'm having a bad day

'You're a very intelligent man I'm sure you can work it out'

@Loli2 they really aren't!

I also have a manchild -in his 50’s. Been together for 25 years and he still asks”where is X?”, etc.

Fucking look yourself is the answer he’s been getting for the time we’re together.

I came home the other day after being away with work and took my dirty clothes to the machine. Full of dirty clothes. Apparently no one told him.

He knows very well how to operate the machine. So i took everything out, put my clothes in and let his stuff stay on the floor.

They really aren't all like that!

They're not all like that. But unfortunately he'll never change unless he's challenged. 'Why are you asking me?' is a useful response.

@veeboo Well from surveys over the years with my friends a hell of a lot of them are 😂
seems a lot of them need trained after years of being spoiled by mummy.

They aren’t all like that! My dh was, but I didn’t tolerate it. I don’t know. Pretend I’m not here and decide. Look it up. What did your last slave die of? They are your children too. Etc etc. Bat it back, leave the room.

I left mine. It's very unattractive. I have a grown up man now.

They aren’t all like that, and making lists is still having to shoulder the mental load.

Tell him to figure it out himself. Or ignore him if he texts you. Then he can sort out his own messes at home, just like he would at work.

Mine had his moments, I didn’t manage him, I told him to make a decision himself. I’m not his mother. I don’t want to be his manager either.

By the way, he didn’t need me to say it more than a couple of times because he’s not actually a brain dead idiot!

My DH tried to be like this. I reminded him that he’d managed to live alone after his first wife buggered off with one of the blokes she was shagging. He had managed everything from his laundry to keeping himself alive rather than starving.

My stock answer when he comes up with these questions is - no idea