WIBU to take this further? TRIGGER WARNING MENTIONS SEXUAL ASSULT AND SUICIDE

[NeedAdviceThrowaway]

Kind of posting for traffic, but also seeking an honest WIBU.

I am a teacher in a secondary school. I am gay, but only out to a small number of people. My family are very homophobic and I am not out at work. When I was 15, I was so desperate to prove I was straight I ended up meeting up with someone I trusted, who gave me alcohol and got me so monumentally drunk I agreed to do a variety of sexual stuff (not penetrating) that I no way would have agreed to had I been anywhere near sober. Looking back, I now see I was groomed. I never told anyone this, but was pretty f-Ed up for a bit after and tried to top myself.

Today at work, a student walked up behind me and stroked the back of my head/neck. I reported it as per safeguarding protocol.

About an hour later the head of year, comes up to me - in front of three colleagues - and asks if the person was “possibly just flattening my hair” I started stuttering as I couldn’t believe what had been said, but luckily one of the other staff in the room spoke up for me.

I had a full day of teaching so didn’t have time to think much about it. But on the way home I started thinking how much it all sounded like what the person who groomed me used to say when challenged and I ended up sobbing in a lay-by.

I want to go into work tomorrow as there are only two days left of half term and there is so much that I have to do (that can’t be covered) and I don’t want to be a “snowflake” but the more I sit, the more anxious I feel about seeing this student and seeing this head of year, I’ve been sick already due to the anxiety.

I also feel that I should mention this to someone, but I don’t want to be a shit stirrer and get this head of year into trouble as I’m sure they didn’t mean anything by it. I also feel that if I raise it I’ll become a target for “rocking the boat” as this student has a difficult home life and the head of year often tells me that I am need to “bear this in mind”

So? Yeah?

I’m not sure I understand exactly what happened in the hair stroking incident.

Can you give more detail ?
What is your relationship with the student?
Was a conversation involved ?

You will need to excuse my ignorance - can you explain why this is a safeguarding thing?
Thanks

Do you feel intimidated by the student? Is there history here?
How old is the student ?

Thanks again, just trying to understand the whole picture.

The student is 15 and is student I have had frequent run ins with in the past. They came up behind me in the corridor and stroked down the back of my head and down my neck.

It’s a safeguarding thing as it’s incredibly inappropriate!

I'm not equipped to advise you on the current situation but I just wanted to say I entirely empathize with your reaction. A man forced me to give him oral sex when I was 15. I'm over 60 and I still freak out if anyone touches my head unexpectedly. It's like a reflex

Absolutely a safeguarding issue - if you did that to a student there would be a full investigation. Same needs to happen this way round.
Whilst the HOY probably shouldn’t have asked you for information in front of colleagues, is it possible they were just trying to clarify information? They had probably spoken to the pupil by that point who would have been trying to justify their actions. Maybe they wanted to make sure the student was lying (clutching a bit maybe?).
Practically, I would make sure you take a colleague in to any conversations to be your advocate.

There are three aspects to this:

1. the student’s actions - not appropriate, you were right to report;

2. the head of year’s response - they are minimising. Even if the student was just flattening your hair..... in what universe is that an appropriate thing to do in that context?

3. Your response - I also empathise, as I was assaulted at the age of 6, and 50 years later I still cringe at uninvited physical contact. I think of it as a sort of ‘PTSD-lite’. Irrespective of what you decide to do re this incident, I wonder whether it would be helpful for you to access support from an organisation for abuse survivors?

I contacted safeline.org.uk via their online chat service. Only spoke to them twice but I found it very helpful.

As a teacher in a secondary school, the HoY’s reaction is extremely concerning. They should not be minimising the student’s behaviour; unsolicited physical contact with any person regardless of whether it is a fellow pupil or adult is a serious matter and needs to be dealt with appropriately. Depending on the individual pupil it may be appropriate to exclude or put in place other sanctions to ensure the pupil realises the seriousness of this incident and that there are consequences to touching another person without their permission. It may be that the pupil requires support from a qualified professional in recognising acceptable boundaries but that is not your concern.

I am really sorry that this incident has prompted you to relive what is clearly a very traumatic series of events in your past. It may help you to disclose (only what you feel comfortable) to a trusted colleague who can then intercede on your behalf if you feel that you cannot go in over the next few days.

Regardless of this incident acting as a trigger, the pupil needs to be dealt with properly and the school has a duty of care to protect you and ensure that you feel safe in the workplace. Would it be at all acceptable if the pupil approached a member of the public on the street and acted in the same way? No. So why should you be expected to tolerate such behaviour in your workplace?

I hope that the school remembers its duty of care and that you receive support. The pupil also needs support so that she or he learns basic social boundaries before they end up in serious trouble.

About an hour later the head of year, comes up to me - in front of three colleagues - and asks if the person was “possibly just flattening my hair” I started stuttering as I couldn’t believe what had been said, but luckily one of the other staff in the room spoke up for me.

Why couldn't you believe you were asked that question?

You must know that's probably the number one excuse the child is going to make. The HOY was either trying to preempt that, so as to arm themselves with your answer before speaking to the child.

Or they'd already spoken to them and that was the excuse given.

In other words, please try not to take it personally as it sounds like the HOY was just doing their job.

That seems a bizarre way to handle a safeguarding incident.

Touch of an adults head/neck by a student was reported. That is what should happen.

If the student is having a difficult time it is even more important that this is recorded.

You can’t judge why it happened, you can only state the facts, unsolicited touch happened by x in this room at this time on this part of your body in this way with any witnesses. Also what was said at the time.

I think having a private conversation where you spell out in brief terms why this is particularly difficult for you would be a good idea. So something like this has not needed to come up before but I am now making you aware that as a minor I was groomed into an sexual relationship with an adult. This has obviously had a lasting impact on me and I am telling you about it now to request that you give this disclosure consideration when discussing this safeguarding incident with me. I am finding this incident very triggering (hate the word but it is correct) and would like to keep its discussion private and factual.

Training on safe guarding can be horrific for the adults affected by similar issues as children. Incredibly hard to listen to how it should be handled when that was not how it was for people in the room. Be kind to yourself.

I do understand why the HOY asked the question. I also am fed up with adults involved in safeguarding not appearing to ever consider that some staff will be affected as individuals by safeguarding training, incidents and discussions.

I would arrange a meeting with the HT and HOY, where I explained how affected I was by this incident and my concern that it is being minimised by the HOY’s approach. I would insist on CCTV, statements, etc. It is entirely inappropriate for a student to touch you in such an intimate way.

Hi OP.

I’m a teacher and safeguarding lead.

I think there are three issues here:

A student inappropriately touching your neck - which is significantly more intimate than, say, your forearm.

How the incident was dealt with.

And

Your unresolved trauma.

They are very separate, but your head has mashed them up together, in the way our heads do.

What would help you feel ok enough, at this point?

Gah. What a mess. I really feel for you (without having been through anything like your experiences).

1. Decide now that you’re going to take a couple of days off. You need to do that so you can start getting your head straight. Obviously don’t phone in or set your cover work until tomorrow morning, but decide now. And don’t do that teacher guilt thing of thinking you should go in for the kids. You’ll be a mess if you do.

1. You need advice from someone about your own situation. Maybe HR? Safeguarding lead? Unless you plan to tell every colleague every time something happens, then you need advice.

1. We can’t assess what happened, really, and I think your judgement is likely to be off. I suspect the HOY was probably trying to sort out the situation. I doubt they were intending to minimise. I have met kids who would touch hair in a jovial fashion- but others for whom the same thing could be a threat. It’s hard to know the difference and I don’t know if you can.

Please look after yourself. You owe this to yourself and you need to take care. Get professional advice and take time off work.

Just re-read the bit about the difficult home life. I’ve worked with people like this and it’s not nice. The child could have the worst home life in the world and would have no more right to assault you than anyone else. Go to the HT immediately.

1. We can’t assess what happened, really, and I think your judgement is likely to be off. I suspect the HOY was probably trying to sort out the situation. I doubt they were intending to minimise. I have met kids who would touch hair in a jovial fashion- but others for whom the same thing could be a threat. It’s hard to know the difference and I don’t know if you can.

Safeguarding isn’t about something being perceived or not as a threat. It’s about a safeguarding concern for an adult or child. A member of staff was touched by a pupil. This needs to be reported to protect both parties. The factual incident should be reported without contextualising it.