To not focus on the sodding positives!

[CinderellasSecrets]

So let me just start by saying that I am absolutely in love with my daughter and I could not be more grateful that we are both alive and I am so happy that she is here with us and in no way do I blame anybody for what happened and I think our NHS are amazing and absolute hero's.

That being said - I had a really, really crap experience. It was traumatic so much so that I still have nightmares 8 months on (I'm getting help) and I'm frankly not sure I want another baby. So people telling me to just focus on the positives kind of makes me want to poke there eyes out!!

I was blue lighted to hospital, given magnesium sulphate that made me feel like I was burning from the inside out, had an emergency c-section within a few hours of getting to hospital and then wheeled to HDU where I stayed for 36 hours watching the world and his friend stroll by while I tried to establish breastfeeding with a catheter in and the curtains wide open because I had to be seen at all times. I was then of course expected to be happy and smiley while what seemed like every member of my partners family came to visit and fawn over the baby and ask 'She's tiny, they gave you a c-section for that?' - errm no dickhead they gave me a c-section because we were both dying!.

I know some people have to go through so so much worse and I probably sound very pathetic, but I am sad that I didn't have the birth I planned, where i got to spend time with just me, my partner, our daughter and our brand new baby with nobody coming to bother us and expect me to play host; I am angry that things went so badly wrong but nobody cares because I should just move on.

I know i need to move on and i will but am I really being unreasonable to want to do that in my own time, and in the meantime just want my partner to let me rant/cry/talk when I need to?

You are definitely not being unreasonable, you poor things, that sounds terrible!

You know what? You will move on when you are good and ready, and that's most probably not going to be the yesterday which everyone would prefer because it would make their life easier.

You have every right to cry, rant, and talk, and you need to. The sooner you feel enabled to do that, and listened to, and heard, and understood, the sooner the moving on that you all want, including you, will be able to happen.

I'm glad you and your (no doubt) absolutely gorgeous wee button of a daughter are alright(ish) and hope physical and mental healing comes your way. In the meantime, be kind to yourself, don't let yourself be martyred, and don't try and be a hero.

I had a very difficult birth; not entirely different to yours and while I was very grateful to have a healthy baby I struggled with what I didn’t have that other people including all my friends had and took for granted. It helped having a debrief with my consultant and with a counselling midwife as I got to rant a bit, does your hospital trust have an after birth thoughts service? I found that until I expressed my feelings and “felt” they/was allowed to feel them then I wasn’t going to move on.

I'd go and try counselling. Its important to acknowledge if these feelings, grieve for birth you didnt have.

I'm going through a shitty time at the moment (not as traumatic as yours though) and I'm sick to death of people telling us to keep our chin up / think positive / it will all be worth it and other assorted platitudes. You are more than entitled to feel sad, angry, shaken up or however else you feel

The positive feelings will develop, in time, when you are ready, and they cant be forced. So few people can actually cope with difficult feelings, their own or anyone else's, and it's such a horrible experience to have your pain minimised like that. Sending you strength and solidarity!

I am sad that I didn't have the birth I planned

You are right. Yabvu. Be glad you've got a healthy baby.

You are right. Yabvu. Be glad you've got a healthy baby.

This is the only thing unreasonable on this thread 🙄
OP, you are allowed to feel distressed after going through what sounds like an incredibly traumatic birth. There are all kinds of difficult things that happen in life, and the fact that some people go through worse doesn't make what you've gone through any less horrific.

The best way I can express my feelings about this boils down to:

There are amputees in this world but that doesn’t mean that a broken leg doesn’t hurt

Yes, things could have been worse, but you had a traumatic experience that you need to recover from. Counselling sounds like a good idea for you.

I don't think you sound pathetic. Other people might go through worse but plenty more people never go through anything as bad as you did. Besides which, what matters is what you're dealing with.

You're traumatised. Moving forward becomes possible as that heals. It won't happen just because other people find it inconvenient that you're struggling with trauma!

So people telling me to just focus on the positives kind of makes me want to poke there eyes out!!

Different trauma to you, but I get this feeling too!

Fuck off @OlaEliza, the OP allowed to be traumatised and honest on here.

It was only 8 months ago. Of course you are allowed to feel upset/ angry and anything else. Of course you are pleased that you have a healthy baby, but you had a horrendous time getting there and almost didn't. If any other condition or accident people would be smothering you with sympathy.

Absolutely not pathetic OP. I had emergency C-Section when my twins were at 32 weeks - I knew it was going to be a c-section as I’d been told as much at every meeting with the Midwife/Doctors/Hospital. But I wasn’t prepared for the reality of it, the terror of seeing the heartrates of my twins drop every time I had a ‘false contraction’ and I definitely wasn’t prepared for them being less than 1kg in weight each and the months spent in NICU.

It’s a traumatic experience that you’ve been through and you have every right to feel the way you do. I found during my time (as a PP mentioned) people weren’t comfortable with how difficult a time it was for me so would either ignore it or comment in a blase fashion which made me want to wail and punch them in the throat at the same time.

I hope it does start to ease for you OP it did for me in time, but there’s no set period for overcoming the difficulties you’ve faced - just take it a minute, an hour, a day at a time, be kind to yourself and please do continue to talk about it whenever/wherever you feel you can congratulations on getting your lovely DD into the world.

Give yourself time

I’ve reported that awful message above and I hope mnhq remove it. OP, I had a “normal” birth which I found traumatic, I hope you’re ok. Seek some counselling if you can.

You have every right to feel frustrated and sad and I’m not at all surprised your struggling with what you’ve been through. It’s absolutely important that you work through the bad thoughts and acknowledge them and don’t pretend that everything is okay.
But I do think that the ‘think positively’ and ‘be grateful’ suggestions can be helpful in the right context. I think just saying it to someone so bluntly is unhelpful but from a trauma recovery point of view and with CBT, it does have a place. I think finding a balance between acknowledging the trauma and then becoming consumed by the thoughts is difficult. In some cases, reframing the negative thoughts and at times thinking about the positives and being grateful can help to shift our thinking. When your mind is filled with more positive thoughts you begin to feel and act differently. It’s a slow process and it’s hard work but can be effective. When I’m spiralling mentally, I do practise gratitude and find it helps me a lot.
I would not, however, appreciate flippantly being told to be positive and grateful.

YANBU to feel traumatised and upset. It sounds like a horrible experience and frankly it sounds like you may need specialist support to deal with it. Have you thought about counselling?

But YABU (and not through your own fault) to be upset that you "didn't have the birth you planned". Almost no-one gets the birth they planned. This is not to make you feel any worse than you clearly do. I find the whole culture of focus on the birth and the myth that tells women they are and can control their birth so dishonest. So many people end up feeling that they've failed because birth which by nature is one of the most traumatic and uncontrollable experiences known to man doesn't go to plan. We need to be far more honest with women about this at the outset and stop feeding them bullshit about water births and hypnotism.

Rant over. You should definitely get help with this and ask your family to be more supportive. But ultimately anyone who thinks they are entitled to a particular kind of birth is deluding themself.

It sounds like we had a similar (although not the same) experience. Post birth I did the whole
The main thing is we're both ok - At the end of the day I got a healthy baby, many people aren't that lucky etc etc.

But I didn't actually feel/believe a word of it. I was traumatised and grieving. Time helped (we're now 5 1/2 months PP) but counselling was the real turning point. Not only was a grieving for all the things I felt I'd lost out on (I did get over that with time) but it turned out the main basis of my trauma was the fear I'd felt when I knew my baby might die.

You absolute need to feel your feelings, cry the tears and seek counselling. Good luck with everything and I hope things continue to improve.

I dont think anyone gets the birth they planned, it's all about being realistic on your expectations. I remember writing a birth plan, then it all went to pot. I needed a c section too. I doubt many people put that in their birth plan. People say think of the positives because sometimes there isn't a lot else they can say or do. They probably see you with a healthy baby, and as much as they will know you got blue lighted in and had a c section, to them that's probably not too far out of normal. We've all seen programmes where people are blue lighted in and give birth quickly in difficult circumstances, then there is a happy Mum and happy baby at the end of it. They then dont really want to hear much more about it as they've probably got their own issues too. It's just life, people make light of things to move the conversation on, they dont really want to hear what a terrible time someone had. I get this when out with a family member with a brain injury, you can see the look on their face and they just want to make light of it and get away. So in the best possible way, you do need to move on and look at the positives.

Yanbu.I had a traumatic induction and birth and im not having any more kids.Ds is 6 now and I've never forgotten.

Thank you everyone, OlaEliza I am very glad that my baby is healthy believe I am so grateful for that because I know just how close we were to that not being the case - I am sad that it didn't go to plan but that doesn't mean that I would have done things differently. Our lives were saved and I am thankful for that.

I think I just had a false sense of security, my first daughters birth was fairly straight forward in terms of no complications and I was so focused on having that perfect time with just our small family that when it didn't happen I was really disappointed. Obviously in hindsight that was naive of me, but it is how I feel.

I don't think it is the severity (or not) of what happened that makes it traumatic. I think it's the difference with the expectation that makes it traumatic. Trauma is something that happens to you, it's not that if x happens you'll be traumatised and if y happens you won't. It's an individual orocess that you have no control over. Other people might not be able to sympathize because their expectations and fears might have been different and that makes them say that you need to see the positives. However, that's just tge luck of the draw that they didn't get traumatised. In my opinion, what you actually need is therapy to get past the trauma. That is the problem that you are having right now.

@TabbyMumz , well said. And all best wishes for progress for your family member.

Thank you Footle.

You are entitled to feel sad and take time to get over the experience. Hopefully for you at least that’s where the negative situation ends. It might not feel like it right now but you had the best outcome you could have had, anything else would cause you or others pain for the rest of your/their life.

YANBU

Only with childbirth do experiences involving major surgery, lasting medical injuries, stays in HDU etc get so horrifically dismissed and brushed under the carpet. If it was a car accident with comparable consequences, people would take the trauma caused seriously. Yes, there's a lovely baby at the end of it all, but that adds another layer of stress to a worrying situation. As my labour/ EMCS/ stay in HDU/NICU developed, it wasn't just my drug sozzled, exhausted brain trying to process what was happening to me, it was the fear of lasting harm occuring to my baby, then guilt after about not providing the optimum start to life in the face of guff about bonding. Long term we are fine and none of DS's concerns stem from his worrying first few days, but at the time we were not fine; the surgical and medical toll over the coming weeks would not not be dismissed if they'd occured in any other unexpected circumstances.

It took me a few years to really come to terms with it, helped largely by time and appropriate preparation towards DS2's birth which while not without another unpleasant birth injury was a much calmer and mentally healing. Repressing that trauma and not accepting it did not help, and it came to a head during my second pregnancy. Accepting mental pain is very important in being able to process it and move on.