To think he would want to go to Parents’ Evening?

[GravityFalls]

ExDH lives abroad, working as a teacher. He comes back to the UK and has contact with DC during his holidays only - ie, I teach full time and also have DC full time during term times. Therefore 99% of school stuff falls to me to do along with attending all parents evenings myself. This isn’t a problem for me, but it’s a bit tiring obviously.

He is on holiday this week but our half term falls next week so DC are still in school. His contact with them this week has been a few hours on Sunday, and then they’re staying in an Airbnb with him tonight and tomorrow night. This is a massive PITA for me as it doesn’t actually give me any real break (as I’m working anyway) and I’ve also had to run around like a blue-arsed fly this morning making sure they have clothes etc for two days and finding somewhere to leave car seats and so on at school...basically it’s been a stressful faff. But whatever.

Anyway before I knew he was coming (as he’s very shit at planning ahead despite me pushing him to let me know in advance) I’d booked parents evening appointments for tomorrow night and asked for the later ones as I’d have to go after work. So I’ve got 6.10 and 6.30. I thought he’d actually want to go as he’s never been to one! And I could take one evening off without running around seeing as I’m child free. First he said “it would be nice for them if we could go together” and now he’s saying as he doesn’t get much time with them he doesn’t think he’ll bother! So I’ll have to take one of my very precious very rare free evenings to go to PE when I’m the one who sees the teachers every flipping day anyway! Grr.

AIBU to think a father who sees his children for basically 15% of the time might actually WANT to go to parents evening?

YANBU. Sounds like he can't be bothered with the hassle of parenting his kids so leaves the hard work to you and just does the movie nights and days out.

I actually think for the children surely spending time with him is more important?

I get why it’s frustrating for you but for the children time with him is so little then maximising it makes more sense

As you are the one around in term time, I think you need to go regardless of whether he goes too or not.

But they would be with him - we bring children along. They’d be showing him their work, their classrooms, perhaps saying hello to friends, talking about things they’ve done at school. It’s a window into their world he doesn’t usually have (another reason why it’s slightly pointless for me to go alone as I have an excellent idea of their school life!)

If I were him I'd be happy to have the chance to meet the teachers. And 6pm onwards for appointments means he can also do something in the day. In your shoes I'd probably want to go along too in case any action is needed next term.

Surely as you’re both teachers, you see that parents evening is - if not a waste of time - really not that much of a priority?

If there are any issues, they should be brought up outside of a rushed and over-running 10 minute slot. All parents evening is, is a chance to see what your child’s teacher looks like, and show the school that you are interested.

Your XH sounds like a useless dad. If you were posting “should he have them the whole week he’s back - perhaps with one night off to see friends” I’d say YANBU! The parents evening though... it’s not a big deal in itself. It’s just another example of how useless he is though, so I get why it’s annoyed you enough to post!

OK, with your update I can see your point a bit more. My XH has only been to 3 parents evenings. Funnily enough, the 3 that crossed with him having a stepson at the school so it was his second wife that “made” him go. As soon as stepson moved to middle school - XH stopped going again. I am very at this. But... it hasn’t affected his relationship with our daughter at all, I have to admit.

My husband (who is very much involved with the kids) has never been to a parents evening. However, in your case I would think it would be lovely for the kids to show dad their books and as you say maybe bump into friends, show him their classrooms etc etc And as he's a teacher I would expect him to understand how important these things are to little kids. However, I would suggest that you both go.

Can I just say it doesn’t bother me much to go. It is irritating that on one of the extremely rare days I should have nothing to do with school I’ll end up having to go anyway, and if I’d have known this schedule in advance I’d have booked a different time or maybe not even gone at all. As DS’s classroom is next to where the wraparound kids club is I see her daily and so have a very good idea of how he’s getting on. DD is also doing excellently at school and so I don’t think there will be any issues.

However ex has only my word for any of this! He wouldn’t be able to even name their teachers, doesn’t know what reading level DD is on, doesn’t know who their friends are etc. If that was me I’d love the chance to find out a lot about their daily lives just by taking an hour to go along to PE.

YANBU he's not really a Dad is he? I think you were being very generous saying he does 15% of parenting. I believe it would be pathetically lower than that.

Could you not cancel it entirely?

I get why you're annoyed, I would be too, but you can't force him and like you say, it's pretty much a waste of your rare night off.

ddraigygoch, yes, it’s 15% of the time but by no means 15% of the parenting.

Why are you even going yourself?
If the free time is more important to you, don’t be a martyr!

You have to accept that people have different things they’re interested.
My Y6 is prepping for SATs. I’m up a parents evening, I’m going to the prep meeting, I’m emailing her teacher to check a point...
XH - nothing.
We both love her, and she feels loved by us.

I would (do!) judge your XH on his pathetic level of involvement, but it’s not up to you to decide that a parents evening is the way he should be involved.

This sounds like my life. I have just taken it as a given that my ex doesn't want to be involved in these things. Its easier for me to pretend he doesn't exist and expect nothing from him. He's abroad now too so chances are even slimmer.

YANBU. I would have thought he'd want to attend too - especially being a teacher himself. Unfortunately all you can do is soldier on, especially as he's not around all the time an abroad. Sorry OP, that does sound a PITA.

I'm also in a single-parent two teacher situation. Ex-h has never bothered coming to parents' evenings, and he doesn't have the excuse of living abroad. For the reasons you mention, basically showing a minimal level of interest in dc's life, I would love him to come along. However, it will always be me, as the RP and the one who does all the real parenting, who actually has to attend PE and will get any useful information out of it. I don't love PE, but even though I see the classroom teacher in passing fairly often, I do appreciate the chance to sit down and discuss progress properly. Ex-h couldn't care less and certainly wouldn't act on any suggestions. It would be nice (although a lie) for dc to think that dad is interested, but nothing more.

He is shit and doesn't take responsibility as a parent. But why would you not want to/feel obliged to go? Parents Evening is important even if you do the day to day school stuff. Wanting a night off instead isn't great parenting tbh. I know what it is like to be a single parent doing everything. I wouldn't dream of missing an important event like this for my DC, regardless of how selfish and uninterested my ex is (and he is). Actually, even more reason for me not to miss it.

If he pissed off abroad, why on earth would you think he cares about one parents evening when he's (presumably) never been to any others? I'm surprised you're surprised.

YABU because the fact he's happy to live in another country away from his children tells you that he isn't really interested in being a dad so I'm not sure why you are expecting more from him.

I'd tell the kids it's parents evening and they need to remind dad. And I wouldn't go, but I would tell the teacher that their dad has them tonight, you've told him but not sure if he's going.

You know what's going on, they're happy etc. I'd have your night off and enjoy it.