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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think "be kind" is becoming synonymous with "shutup"?

43 replies

OldHarrysGameboy · 11/02/2020 22:09

Examples:

"Be kind" = shutup and validate me as per brave and stunning Schofield cheating on his wife
"Be kind" = shutup and don't ask too many questions as per University at the centre of the UK Coronavirus outbreak releasing lots of stories to the press about discrimination faced by Chinese students but failing to tell the students/public that the patient was in student accommodation
"Be kind" = shutup and let my virtue signalling continue unhindered as per many commercial organisations and private individuals happy to preach and pontificate about what others should do in terms of their treatment of children/the environment/people with red jumpers none of which affects them or requires them to alter their own behaviour.

But mostly, it means shutup.

OP posts:

Hoik · 12/02/2020 13:12

@hydroflotation That is an issue with school rather than the individual child. The school knows he has additional needs and therefore should be better supporting those needs in order to help manage his behaviour.

OP, YANBU. "Be kind" in itself isn't a bad thing, we all need a little kindness now and again, but when it's used to shut down debate it does no one any favours and really does become a way of saying "shut up". I suppose context is key, for example if my toddler is being bossy or snappy with her siblings I would intervene with a reminder to be kind along with a demonstration of such. If someone is disagreeing with my viewpoint then telling them to be kind is the equivalent of saying they're being mean for not agreeing with me.

Hoik · 12/02/2020 13:14

A line got chopped off there. It was supposed to say at the end of the first paragraph that the school is failing both children with their current approach.

Excited101 · 12/02/2020 13:17

SO true!!

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 12/02/2020 13:20

Also, "Er, actually I'm a bit concerned that ..." = bigot

Patroclus · 12/02/2020 13:22

No idea what you're on about ranting about this chinese student

Nothing2doooooo · 12/02/2020 13:23

While I agree with you,OP, I also think you can do both - say what you need to say KINDLY or atleast with no vitriol.

Being angry does not justify being a monster, which is what some people become while "speaking the truth".

But I agree with you.

Brefugee · 12/02/2020 13:24

I don't have issues with people saying "be kind" because I'm not unkind. And if I've said/posted something and get that as a reply i ask them to point out where i'm not being kind.

If the intention of "be kind" is to try to shut me up - well, it doesn't. So what's the downside if some genuinely unkind things are apologised for or not said? There are times when things that are truthful and hurtful need to be said. There are kind ways of doing most of those.

It's not rocket surgery.

Helpdesk · 12/02/2020 13:38

It is possible to be kind and honest, informed, opinionated, concerned and even angry.
Be kind = treating others as we would like to be treated ourselves - no more, no less.
Often hard to do, but in my opinion important and often underrated.

Curlyshabtree · 12/02/2020 13:45

Humankind. Be both

Hydroflotation · 12/02/2020 13:46

@Hoik

I don't disagree with it being a school issue but it doesn't negate that instead of doing their job they are putting the onus on me and my DS to "be kind" to the extent of all the children coming home with a "be kind" campaign bracelet not long after I complained, along with minimising the situation and saying we must be more understanding as he was bullying a number of students as well.

GroggyLegs · 12/02/2020 13:50

@Hydroflotation I'm sorry your DC is being let down by the people who are meant to protect him
Yes, you are absolutely right - children should be taught to 'Be Kind' in the purest sense and I'm constantly reminding my boys to 'be kind' to each other.

But the kindness message is being twisted by some adults as a means of shutting down debate. Like disagreeing with a different POV isn't 'kind'. It's fine to disagree, it's healthy not to have a hive mind and it's good to debate.

The core value of kindness has been mangled. I want to teach my children to be compassionate, but I do not want to teach them to be unquestioning.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 12/02/2020 13:50

When I hear others requesting kindness it's often of women or children so it's appealing to our socialisation. Sometimes facts will not be welcome by people so when they hear facts and it hurts them that is often construed as unkind.

I've no time for the "I just say it as it is" brigade as my experience is they almost revel in the blunt and straight way they talk and seem to enjoy the shock it causes. Whilst most of us will always consider our message and try to deliver it in a way which won't hurt there are times this can't be done, especially when we've tried the kind, polite, tolerant way and it's either falling in deaf ears or actually the situation is becoming reversed and our kindness is used as a weapon against us.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 12/02/2020 13:51

Hydro I'm sorry for what's been happening to your DC.

Hoik · 12/02/2020 13:56

@Hydroflotation I know it absolutely does not negate what is happening to your DS and I'm sorry school are managing it so badly. This other child deserves to be properly supported so that he is not getting into these situations and your DS deserves to be protected from being the target of this mis-managed behaviour.

I hope the school pull their fingers out soon. As the parent of NT children and SN children my advice to you would be to keep on at them, the squeaky wheel gets the grease so be as squeaky as you can. They are failing both children with their lax attitude.

SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy · 12/02/2020 13:59

I'll go one further - it means 'shut up women'

Brefugee · 12/02/2020 14:47

@Hydroflotation - I'm also sorry for what is happening to your child and in this case I'm sure that telling compliant children to be kind while they are being bullied is picking the low-hanging fruit for the school.

They absolutely should support children with SEN and that is clear, but it should not be at the expense of other children.

NearlyGranny · 12/02/2020 14:58

If you think university tuition costs are high at £9000+ per year, take a look at what overseas students pay! 😱

Our universities are coining it from overseas students and will naturally bend over backwards to protect their income stream. I think this is the simple motivation behind some odd-sounding statements.

Kindness is a virtue, but it involves being thoughtful towards people in a less privileged position, not sitting smiling gormlessly while ruthless interest groups bulldoze through hard-won rights.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/02/2020 14:59

In the UK it's women that get it.

If you want an example of rampant kindness-expectation go to Canada. It's polite, it's kind, it runs well. I have never experienced levels of passive aggression like it. No one says what they mean. Everyone is playing an advanced level game of Guess That Need with everyone else. And no one believes you if you say you're not bothered about something because they NEVER say if they are bothered.

On balance I'd rather deal with people who are kind. But assertiveness has it's place too. And women need to exercise a shit-ton more of that. And the poor Canadians. Bless them.

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