With my screen time rules for 13 year old?

[WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead]

13 yr old DS is convinced that I'm far too strict with screen time rules. Our rules are:

20 minutes of music practice and 20 minutes of reading buys him 2 hrs of screen time. He has a screen curfew of 9.30pm. We also have restricted mode on eg YouTube, and have rules about not talking to strangers on eg VRchat. He this thinks all of these rules are unreasonable.

We've had to create these rules as when he had unlimited access he would spend every possible hour on a screen.

It's half term, and when he's not allowed to go on a screen, he is moping around, staring out the window and very pointedly doing nothing. He is also persistently flouting the rules, hacking through the controls we have in his phone (Google family link, which enforces screen time limits etc).

I'm prepared to be told I am in fact bring unreasonable, although I'd like to hear how other parents manage this.

FWIW DD (15) has the same rules, but has always been less interested in screens/more interested in other stuff.

The app lost all my paragraphs

I posted not too long ago about the same thing, OP! I'm a single mum, and was curious as to how other parents manage this. And I suspected that I wasn't being strict enough. The general consensus was that I should leave her to self-regulate!

I like the rules!

Thanks for your reply. We really have tried the self regulating option, but he would literally spend every hour of his free time on a computer, and would be going to sleep far too late (11pm or later).

To me though, it sounds like you're doing a grand job with it.
With my daughter, anything goes, but we do have some rules:

• she can't sleep with it in her room. It charges overnight in the hall outside.
• be kind. If she's unsure about whether or not she should send a message, don't send it. Most fall-outs with girls wouldn't occur if it wasn't for phones.
• don't add a new app without running it by me first. She's not allowed to go on anything inappropriate.
• take phone breaks now and again, for her own mental well-being.
• don't use it at mealtimes
• limited time on it if we have guests

I'm still too lax with the timings though

I think it’s very personal and all parents need to make the best choices for them but I work with families and what I’ve learned from them makes me think you are doing the right thing.

From my experience, the families that allow unlimited screen time talk about it causing problems more than any benefits and those that limited it, or restrict it totally, report more positives. One child/adolescent said they were glad it had been restricted - they felt free. They needed parents to put the boundary in because they didn’t feel able to stop (social media and games are designed to be moorish/addictive as they utilise the science around the reward systems in our brains I think). It’s anecdotal rather than proper research but I’ve definitely noticed that pattern. As a result, we intend to put in a similar thing to you when the time comes.

You sound like a thoughtful and caring parent. You can be empathic to his plight whilst keeping the boundary. May be you could find activities to do together. There are some super cool board games these days (things have moved on a lot from monopoly and cluedo😁)

Oh, and I don't let her connect with strangers either.

@Msmcc1212

Funny, but I got Cluedo for Christmas. I had visions of my kids and I playing it for hours, totally engrossed. It's a shit game, and totally overrated

Nope, sounds fair to me, although I think I'd allow more than 2 hours on days he's at home for the whole day, so weekends and school holidays - 2 hours would be very quickly used up especially if things like whatsapp to friends count and Saturday morning TV (not literal, but the concept) etc - isn't it part of childhood to loll around watching TV? They just do it with youtube now instead.

DS1 age 11 is allowed up to 3 hours per day. He has to do his jobs around the house (1 on a school day when he gets in at 2pm - not UK) and any homework and he can have time removed for poor behaviour. If he's doing something constructive like coding, homework, research, video editing, he's allowed to "double" the time so e.g. he can spend 2 hours on fortnite and then save the last hour to use as 2 hours coding. I sometimes even extend this if he's been proactive with his jobs/homework (ie, not had to be moaned at to get on with it at the last possible minute).

He also has the problem of not knowing how to entertain himself without the screen, which we talk to him directly about as I don't think this is healthy. He agrees it's not healthy, but doesn't know what to do about it. So I've encouraged him to try different things. He's also got ideas from friends at school - recently he's gone through speedcubing (modern rubik's cube), then card tricks, Patience/solitaire, trying to build house of cards, cat's cradle string thing, yoyos, then lately "Tischball" which is table tennis played with hands and a small basketball - well - whatever keeps him interested in other things I suppose. (And honestly, 6 months ago this list would have seemed astonishing). For himself he's also come up with drawing comics/animation, so I've got him a couple of comic/manga drawing workbooks, and I gave him a template and insisted he write thank you letters to people who sent him Christmas presents including a little question and conversation in the hope they might write back and inspire a short back and forth (!) and during holidays I get him to do projects with me so we have done stuff like learn to cook simple food, tie dye some clothing, make some decorations/artwork for bedroom wall, make Christmas decorations. If you're not crafty, they can be more practical, but crafty at a child's level often doesn't have to involve much actual skill.

I'm sure at 13 they are less suggestible than they are at 11, but I have found that giving him actual tasks/challenges to do is much more useful than simply moaning on about the screens all the time. Yes, it would be nice for me and he really should be able to occupy himself by now, but at the same time it doesn't take a huge amount of effort/energy to come up with a challenge every few days/weeks, or provide him with a supply of activity books/sets/books to read, and once I've set an activity sporadically, he actually then will go off and do some other stuff by himself. It's just that initial transition away from "Make me entertained in a passive manner" to "I wonder what I could do now..."

Also, filling their time up with boring things like cleaning is a great way to get them to distract themselves into more interesting activities :o

I think those rules are fine but do you make him earn screen time with homework in the holidays? I relax a lot in holidays but then my DS also likes going out on his bike and does football so it's balanced.
Is there some specific app or site that he wants that is blocked? If so, I'd think about looking into whether I would allow it. Some apps are blocked by parental controls when they are actually ok.

Also I find what is most effective/constructive at this age (although not sure it works if they have entered the argumentative stage) is to have an open negotiation/discussion about this kind of thing. Invite him to share his views - what he thinks would be reasonable, what he objects to about your current set up, what he would like ideally. You can then respond with what you think is reasonable, what's objectionable about his suggestions, what your concerns are, what's a good thing you'd like to incorporate, etc. You should reach a point that you're both OK with and then (important) agree to trial it for a period with no changes - 1-3 months is a good time period.

Sounds similar to us but for younger kids.

1 hour per day on week days
1.5 on a weekend
15 mins reading required for the 6 year old
30 mins for the 10 year olds

Tablets turn off at 6:30pm ready for bed wind down.

They would be on every god given minute without these rules and I think it’s disgusting to see kids glued to a screen instead of the world outside.

Your rules sound like a step up from ours (rightly as your DS is older) and are what I imagine we will do as time goes on

Sorry, I don't agree with almost any of this.

Music practice should be entirely up to him. It is not the kind of thing anyone should force you to do. If he wants to play an instrument it's up to him to practice. If he doesn't practice then don't pay for more lessons.

Ditto reading time. No one became a reader because they were forced to read. He should read because he enjoys it. And why separate reading from screen time? For some kinds of games there is a lot of reading on screen to figure out back stories, dialogues with characters, etc.

Screen time: is not one thing. I read books for fun on my tablette, I also read and write for work, I socialize, I play games, watch TV, etc. Screen time is not one thing and should not be treated as such.

Limited screen time: as you are discovering, he is going behind your back and breaking your rules. So all this is teaching him is how to be deceitful. He is 13yo, he has to discover for himself how to self-control.

The only ones I would agree with is an evening cut off point so he can relax for bedtime and limited (supervised) contact with strangers, although at 13yo again he is reaching the age where he will need to make sensible decisions for himself as well as feel comfortable enough to ask for help from you when he needs it.

I think that he should be allowed more during the holidays. Something like an hour extra every day and two days where he is allowed as much screen time as he wants provided that he doesn't moan the other day.

Screen limit sun -thurs are 7am to 8pm and fri/sat 7am to 10pm.
They are set on the iPhone with a restriction code only I know.
No phones in room over night.

I am not a fan of linking reading and music practice to screen time. It just makes them into chores when they should be enjoyable.

hacking controls would be a no-go zone - lose the phone for that.
At 13 they are still children, they still need to have parental rules in place and they rarely have the self-control to self-discipline...

if he is otherwise bored, then produce a long list of household chores as options - and a list of more palatable options (going out on bike / playing with friends / etc.)

Some children really struggle to self regulate their screen use, and I think it's responsible to help them regulate it in that situation.

Booboostwo - up until a few years ago I would have been firmly in your camp re: not "enforcing" music practice and reading, and I very much left these activities up to my DC. However, this led to them hardly ever practising or reading! I used a pocket money incentive for music practice with DD (oldest child) and this really worked for her. She has gone from never practising to regularly practising and improving, and composing her own music. The nudge paid off hugely!

DS isn't as incentivised by money, but again since introducing the rule about screentime, he has gone from zero practice to self-teaching himself the piano, and has now chosen to take music as one of his high school courses.

As for reading, DD is a very reluctant reader, but this is simply something she has to practise in order for her to manage her high school learning. She doesn't really read for pleasure, but that's just the way it is at this point in her life - she appreciates that she just has to get stuff done, because she needs to pass eg English and Maths at school. DS on the other hand is an avid reader, and he has no quibbles about "having" to read for 20 mins...that said if there was no restriction on him, he would probably opt for the "easier" or more immediately gratifying option of playing a computer game.

I do completely agree about the "different types of screen time" thing, though, and I loved the idea further up the thread about allowing more time for "constructive / creative" time on his computer.

A final factor that I've been considering is that my brother was allowed almost unlimited screen time as a teenager. He was very techy, and has gone on to use this aptitude in his work as an adult. However when I asked him about it, he wishes that he had been "forced" off his screen more.

I’m not sure any one would lie on their death bed wishing they had been on screens more...or wishing they had cleaned more...