I’m a nanny and have been for the last 6-7 years. I’ve mainly looked after young babies and toddlers in that time. I’ve just started a new job in September last year looking after two young boys, ages 7 and 9.
I’m finding it a real struggle to adapt to the job and bond with them, perhaps because I’ve never worked with children this age before and not really use to dealing with “attitudes” and so on. They have been raised by their dad, a single parent and I would say that their pretty much use to having their own way because he’s so relaxed. Absolutely fine, it’s his business how he raises his kids and I don’t judge him at all, except it’s causing problems now because they don’t listen to me and they don’t really respect me either. I’m not sure how they behave in school but I haven’t heard any complaints so I assume they must be good and listen to their teachers etc.
Examples -
⁃ He’s asked me to make sure that they don’t have any devices after school e.g phone, iPads and tv. That’s fine, I’d rather it this way anyway as otherwise they get to engrossed and don’t want to do anything else. Problem is I’ll make sure that they don’t have these things whilst their with me but as soon as he arrives home their straight on them and he doesn’t say anything. This causes problems because when their with me all afternoon they will just nag and nag to go on them and when I suggest that we do something else like play with toys/play board games/go for a walk to the park/bake cakes/do craft etc they say it’s boring and just blatantly refuse to participate.
⁃ This probably falls under the example above, but they cannot entertain themselves at all without either a) me playing with them or b) having their devices. They will not sit together/by themselves and do craft or anything that doesn’t involve technology, it doesn’t matter how much I encourage them to. This can prove difficult at times because I’m responsible for the families laundry and keeping the home tidy day to day so sometimes when I’m occupied with these tasks I can’t always entertain them.
⁃ They don’t listen to a word I say and say no to absolutely everything even if it involves something dangerous like crossing the street. For some reason they just haven’t been taught how to cross a road, they will literally just run out without even looking to see if anything’s coming first. I’ve really stressed to them how important it is to check before crossing the street because cars/vans/any vehicle’s can’t just stop. If I try to hold their hands or grab their arms before crossing they will just pull away and run off. It’s extremely problematic when it comes to school pick ups or if we go for a walk. They did it today actually after I picked them up from school on the way to the car, it was just lucky that nothing was coming but I again stressed how serious it was and they just laughed. I appreciate boys will be boys but at 7 and 9 I thought that they would be a bit more sensible with something like this. I’ve looked after much younger children who understood how important it was to check before crossing.
⁃ They call me names like dummy and fat and sometimes they will tell me to shut up or say “whatever” if they don’t like something. I’ve explained it’s not very nice to call people names but again they just laugh in my face.
⁃ The biggest one for me and I think the one issue that causes me the most stress and anxiety is that if they don’t get their own way then they will always threaten and say “I’m going to call daddy” or text him. I worry more about what they will say even though I know I’ve done nothing wrong. I of course ask them not to because he’s busy at work and it’s not urgent (obviously if it was an emergency or they were upset about something then I would let them contact him) but it’s more so because they haven’t had their own way and obviously hope that he will overrule my decision. Let me put it this way, they never contact him when I’ve said yes to something.
Today was extremely difficult because we did an activity that was part of their homework (walk to the park) and they were both really eager to do it, however halfway there one of them started crying because his leg was supposedly hurting (this was all because he had a plaster on his knee from falling over in school yesterday and grazing it). I said that we were nearly there and that we would have fun and take lots of pictures to show their teacher tomorrow. He said that he wanted to walk back up to the house and drive down in the car, I said no because it would take longer to get back to the house and I knew that there wasn’t anything actually wrong with his leg, he just didn’t want to walk. He started crying in the middle of the street, walking away from me, saying he was going to call daddy and tell him how mean I was and that he hated walks so much. In the end I gave up (I know I should have stuck to my guns) and said we’d walk back to the car and that I’d drive down because I just couldn’t cope with the situation (people starting at us because he was shouting at me and crying in the middle of the street). As soon as we got to the car, of course he stopped crying and once we got to the park he was running around like a firework had gone up his bum.
These are situations that I have to deal with on a daily basis if they don’t get their own way. I really didn’t think I’d be dealing with this when looking after older children especially because it’s the sort of behaviour I’m use to with younger children but maybe I was naive to think this? I was thinking of speaking to dad about it all but I’m not sure how he’d take it. After all parents don’t exactly take it well when people question their children’s behaviour do they? and I’d be worried about offending him. I can’t just leave the job either because I haven’t got anything else to go to yet and have bills/rent to pay.
I feel awful even saying all of this as they are children and innocent. We do sometimes have a nice time together (when they decide to listen) and they will occasionally give me a cuddle now and again. Dad is lovely too most of the time however sometimes I find him hard to gage (like yesterday one of the kids wanted a huge piece of cake before dinner so I said no and they told him when he arrived home and he sat there and said “oh star light is mean isn’t she”. I couldn’t really tell whether this was a joke or he actually thought that about me. It’s a shame that things aren’t working out but I just feel so deflated and that I’m shit at my job. I’ve worked with kids for nearly 10 years and I’ve never felt this way before. I also worry that they have probably said things about me to dad and I’m concerned he might get fed up of hearing negative things and get rid of me. It’s very important to me that they like me and are happy in my care but that they also respect me and understand that not everything is a game and that they do need to listen at times.
It’s quite hard finding the balance between the two.
I’m really unsure of what to do and it’s causing me so much stress at the moment. I dread the 3pm pick up from school.
AIBU?
Do I need to be firmer or am I really just a terrible nanny?