To ask what you would do if someone threatened your child like this?

[riotlady]

Since I’ve become a parent I’ve been reflecting more on my own childhood, and I was hoping to get some perspective on a particular incident.

I had a not very good boyfriend when I was 16 and on this occasion he was staying with us and not meeting my parents standards for manners (which are quite strict). One night he asked if he could read the last couple of pages of his book before coming down for dinner (which my mum had cooked). My parents were very angry and took it out on me later, even though I hadn’t really done anything myself and was trying to moderate between them. I stayed quiet when they were shouting at me which angered my stepdad even more. He ended up shoving me over so that I landed on the bed, bending over me, pressing his fist against my chin and threatening to smash my face in.

My mum got between us and he didn’t actually hit me. Aside from one other incident where he held onto my arms so I couldn’t leave the room during an argument, he has been a loving and attentive dad. We have a great relationship and I’m very fond of him. In fact, it’s my mum who I’ve always had a trickier relationship with- she’s very unpredictable and quite narcissistic, every event is all about her emotions and never mine. As an example, after this happened, she came to my room later and lay on my bed and cried about being a bad mother until I reassured her that she wasn’t. She didn’t care much about how I felt about it.

Now that I have my own daughter, I feel like if anyone ever threatened her like that, I would want to claw their eyes out, it’s just an overwhelming protective instinct. I certainly couldn’t have stayed with them. But in my mums case, I think we’re all better off having my stepdad in our lives- they have a great marriage and he’s a good dad to my half sister and me. I’m curious as to what other parents would have done in my mums situation?

@Embracelife

I’m not saying she should have left, it was probably for the best that she didn’t. But I would have to, personally. I couldn’t cope with someone treating my child that way, even if they were a net positive in their life. Maybe that’s selfish of me? As you say, it’s complicated.

Unfortunately therapy is not accessible right now, but I have had it extensively in the past- although it focussed more on major trauma than stuff like this as I was dealing with ptsd at the time.

Anyone speaking to my DD like that would have my boot up their arse and be tasting pavement, OP. Sorry to sound harsh about your mum but I have to say I agree she seriously let you down here. With that said, he is the one who actually did it, so don’t reserve all your blame for her.

"couldn’t cope with someone treating my child that way, even if they were a net positive in their life"

Exactly... it s a balancing act. And yet we should have zero tolerance. That s why it can be hard to break away when to the outside world or mostdaysof the week the raged person controls themself.

It is positive that you have zero tolerance and would not tolerate someone doing this to your child. That is good.

(But remember that you yourself have forgiven your stepdad and believe it would not happen again? How can you be so certain? Did he Express remorse? Does he even remember? )

Sometimes a group of people who have had similar experiences can help and feel more comfortable than therapy. I’ve found the Stately Homes thread here to be a wonderful, safe place to talk. I’m not saying it would be for you as I don’t know enough of your story but you could think about it.

@Thisisthelaststraw thank you, I’ll have a look. Sorry if this thread has been triggering for you and hope you’re doing ok

I would bet that things like this happened all the time back then. Well, they still do, but you know what I mean.
Look at the recent thread on here, about unusual memories from posters' childhoods. Kids witnessing abusive behaviour at their friends' houses, going home and telling their parents about it, only for a blind eye to be turned.
At least these days there's more help and awareness.

Dieu

And women posting on here saying "my dh/dp just hit me/financially abuses me/coercive controls me....but He is a great dad" .

My dad used to do things like this. Despite being generally a gentle man, he had a right nasty temper. My mother is a bit of a narc and would whip dad up into a rage so he’d hit us, or push us, or chase upstairs and wack the shit out of us while we were cowering in our rooms. If me or my sister played up in the day mother would say, ‘you’ll jump for it when your dad gets home from work.’ Then things would go quiet until he got home like all was forgotten, but it wasn’t forgotten and as soon as he came through the door, off mother would go again, winding dad up into a rage. I’d dread when dad was due back.
Then when he’d walloped us and shut us in our rooms mother would come up later with food or to comfort us or whatever. There was some proper fucked up drama triangle shit going on in our house. That’s not to say it was always mother who set dad off though, he was more than capable of flying into a rage and losing his shit all by himself. I’ll never forgive him for the time he hit me when I was 18. It was by no means the only time, but I think it was when something snapped in me and I realised he was only hitting me because he’d lost control.
DP cuffed DS round the head once, not very hard, when he was mouthing off. I told her if she ever did it again we’d be through, and I meant it.

It’s my issue @riotlady no need to apologise.

I agree with your earlier comment about you being different in raising your own child despite having similar experience growing up as your mum.

I feel my M had an opportunity to break the cycle of dysfunction in our family and just didn’t. I had the same opportunity and I made bloody sure it didn’t continue with my dd.

Had your boyfriend been the one to do exactly as your stepdad did that day would she brush it under the carpet or would she tell you nobody has a right to put their hands on you?

I didn’t have a stepdad but my M was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. Had she seen someone else, like a boyfriend, hit me like she did, she’d have lost her shit! Always makes me wonder why she thought it okay that she could beat me, threaten and terrify me but nobody else could. I’ll never know 🤷🏻‍♀️
It can’t be love surely? Possession? Extension of herself?

No matter, laying your hand on another human is so very wrong and to rationalise it by placing higher importance on their ‘good’ side is sad imo.

@Dieu I’m 27, “back then” was only 2009! Not sure things have changed that much?

Oh blimey, sorry! Wrong assumption on my part

Well I had a Stepdad, and am currently thanking my lucky stars that he was nothing like this TBH! We did argue sometimes ,and he told me off but never hurt or intimidated me at all . I get that your SF possibly had a bad temper ,but this is abusive I think .Once or a hundred times there is no excuses. I think some women just need a man ,and dont feel able to be a single Mum and stand on their own feet ,so will say things like "Oh he lost his shit but was provoked" like WTAF! Or" hes a good man usually but has been under pressure from work lately" and so on !

@Whatisthisfuckery
That sounds truly awful.
How fearful you must have been.

💐

If it was my dd's dad, let alone stepdad, he would be gone.

Yeah, I feel you OP. My step dad ripped a tv off a wall bracket & threw it at me once. I was 11 & my dad had only moved out a year earlier.

He also used to call me fat, degrade/humiliate me in front of anyone I brought round the house. Then tried to kiss my best friend when we were 16.

I’ll never forgive my mum for letting it happen, or minimising it. They aren’t even together anymore either. We’ve never spoken about it though. I have 2 DDs now, & if a man, any man (or woman) ever, ever did these things I would kick them out the door before their feet had a chance to touch the floor.