To ask parents

[peonylane]

I was having a discussion with a friend last night who is asking her parents for help with a deposit for a house. She asking for approx £25k. They also look after her child 3 days a week, which of course saves her a considerable amount money.
It got me thinking about how many people actually receive help of this scale from their parents.
I'm interested to hear how your parents have helped you financially and also with child care etc.

We received inheritance from one set of parents and a cash gift from the other. Without it we’d have been unable to buy any house at all, let alone the nice house that we live in. We’re already saving to give our 2yo a house deposit when he grows up.

My mum and dad gave me £10k to help but the shared equity in my flat as the builders offered an offer on the remaining amount too good to miss.
My sister was happy for them to help me and when she bought a fixer upper they gave her the equivalent to put towards the house.
They lent me some money towards replacing a kitchen but I am paying that back monthly.

My very high earning friend recently asked her parents for £100k for an extension.

My lovely MIL helped to look after our DC when they were little, and also put £40K into a trust fund for them. She is comfortably off but not wealthy.

It would never occur to my DM (also comfortably off) to help us in any way. Her parents helped her out hugely, but now it is our job to help her out. In fact it is everyone's job to help her out.

This stuff varies hugely. I think it depends on money (obvs), generational expectations, and just plain personality and attitude. DM and DMIL are the same age and have similar amounts of money, but one is incredibly generous and the other has been happy (in the past) to watch her adult children scrape by when even £1 would have made a difference.

I will help my kids out as much as I can afford, assuming they have a good work ethic.

My Mum and Dad paid for my wedding and gave me and my husband the full house deposit they bought me a new car about two years ago but don’t really help with childcare.

I’m in my mid thirties and when my parents gift me money they always say for me to do the same for my children to help the younger generation.

Yep, got a LOT of money towards my house. My parents have it and dont need it- they have paid off their own house and still have lots left for retirement and holidays. I am very very lucky and grateful and I plan to do the same for my children when they grow up.

My parents have offered me quite a sizeable amount of money towards a house but we are better off renting from HA as dp is disabled. I've told them to cut me out and off it straight to my dc so they can benefit.
When they were little dm would pick them up from school 1 day a week until I finished work then every other sunday for about 6 hours so I could work. I tried to work around when my dc were at their dads so I didnt have to rely on them too much.
They have always been brilliant about looking after my dc and in fact the only time it did mess up my work schedule was when my dm was called for jury duty.

Wow so jealous of all the people here that got help :(

Those who said their parents did it as they might as well, as it would just end up going to the government for care fees are right.

Unfortunately my parents are in this position now after my mother got dementia and has deteriorated crazily fast, my dad has seen a solicitor recently who advised that he can't even gift any money to us now, as it would all get looked into when my mum goes into a home and taken off us.

Help from both sets of parents towards our first flat - we rented cheaply from my parents while we saved a deposit (and we saved up really hard for a year to the extent that when I went out and bought a coffee and a t-shirt I had a call from the bank about 'unusual activity'). Both sets lent us money (totalling about £25k) when we moved to a bigger house when the children were little. We paid it back over about 10 years.
In-laws paid for two private IVF cycles, totalling thousands. We would have managed to fund it ourselves, but it would have been difficult.
No help with childcare, but I was a SAHM till kids were at school and am self-employed now so that has not made any real difference to us. My parents are a long way away. ILs are local and love seeing the kids and will babysit etc but have always been very clear they want to be 'fun grandparents' rather than carers, which I can understand - I imagine I would feel the same way. They help my SIL when the kids are off sick etc though (and would help us if we ever needed it).
We are very lucky.

No help with DC, no money lent.

I'm fine with it.

They will leave their money to the RSPB, donkey sanctuary, cat sanctuary etc. I'm also fine with that.

I think people that expect help from their parents are very entitled ... Sure if their parents are well off and offer to help, but expecting them to, nah

I have to agree with this; if parents offer on their own initiative that's one thing, but it's when folk expect it that I feel a bit "hmm"

Personally I liked the approach of a PP's parents, who offered a sum on condition that the couple saved a significant amount first

My parents have been very generous financially, helping with loaning housing deposits etc. They( we as children) lived very frugally to save the money and wanted to pass it on when it was most needed. Their parents did the same. These are not wealthy families btw, just a work hard, help others attitude.

I would like to do the same for my children if we get the chance. They know they can trust us without a doubt to pay that money back. They have not been lucky with health and by age 60 one parent has died and one had multiple illness as so any help with childcare has been impossible and in fact I have cared for them whilst juggling tiny babies/toddlers/work and I will always have thier back.

I totally appreciate how lucky I am.

My parents haven't helped at all financially and can't help with childcare as they're hundreds of miles away. They did come and stay to help when I was very ill. They are the most wonderful, loving parents and the fact they can't afford to give us money is fine. To be honest, now they're older I'm more concerned about how little help I give them, given the distance.

My parents gave me £5k towards a deposit - early 90s. I hope I’ll be able to help both my kids towards a deposit too BUT as I am divorced I would say either hope their partner can get an equal contribution together OR draw up some sort of trust to protect that money. It’s money for my child not for someone else who might take it off them later.

My parents paid for 1 year of my uni tuition fees and paid for my rent throughout uni, 15 years ago. That was a huge deal for them and I really appreciated it. I have not had any financial help at all since then. Our families attitude is very much 'if you can't afford it yourself, you don't do it'. We don't get Xmas presents from them but will get £20 at birthdays.

However DP parents are unbelievably generous, have helped us pay for our house and renovations, take us out for dinner, buy things for our baby. The attitude is 'if you want it, let us help you'. Completely different to how I was brought up and what I expect from parents, and we are incredibly fortune to receive their help.

On that note, if any parents/grandparents reading this have suggestions for how we could express our gratitude to them please let me know because im struggling to find a good way to thank them!!

I would never ask or expect money from our parents. Surely once you reach the age of 18 you are an adult and should support yourself without mummy and daddy stepping in. I’d be quite embarrassed having to ask our parents for money. I’d rather live in a smaller house than have to borrow money from our parents.

Pressed send too soon, regarding childcare my in-laws haven’t helped, we haven’t asked and my mum had my children overnight once every two months to give dh and I an evening out. Which was much appreciated,

In my experience every family set up is different. I got zero help from my parent and bought my first flat on my own (100% mortgage was a thing in those days). My DH's parents are a whole different matter. They set him and his brother up with a flat and cannot do enough for them financially or with their time. It's their norm. I also have a friend whose parents helped her through a crappy divorce by buying her ex out for her. Their thought is that she'll get that as inheritance one day anyway and she needs it now. I have to say I am envious but that's not because I feel I am owed, it would have been nice to have had some support (not necessarily financially) rather than just left to get on with it.

I am already paying my son’s rent at uni and will pay my daughter’s when the time comes. I see it as paying forward the favour after the £5k from my parents.

Nothing from my parents at all. I supported myself through University. We still can't afford to buy unfortunately as saving while renting is really difficult. Almost everyone I know did get help from parents

I got no help at all from my parents or in-laws, financially or otherwise.
I'll be helping my children as much as I can.

Nothing at all from either set of parents No house deposits, no contribution to wedding, child, anything. We pay nursery for childcare, though my parents have DS the occasional weekend which we are very grateful for.

@BoomyBooms as parents and grandparents who have and do regularly help our dc the best gratitude is to be a small part of your life. We feel very blessed to have our dgs for 5 weeks in the summer. Every phone call or message is manna to our souls. Today my son sent photographs of his weekend and then rang for a chat. His wife who had been out separately with dgs rang last night. Our dd rang briefly as she was about to eat and I will speak to her later.
My dc always laugh because after 10 minutes I always say ‘you must be busy we’ll let you get on.’
I don’t want them to think we’re a nuisance.

We got nothing when we bought our house in cash, but my Dad bought us a bed, my in-laws rented a van to help us move etc.

And a few years later when our boiler blew up my Mum gave me £1500 towards the £4k replacement cost as we were in a bit of a hole at the time. Over the years my parents and inlaws have paid for bits and pieces as Christmas presents etc, but never just directly cash

I am very lucky to have wonderfully generous parents.

They supported me through uni (I recieved a grant but they scrimped and saved to give me extra as it wasn't a livable amount).

They cashed in their pensions to loan me the money for a house deposit (I didn't even ask and they didn't tell me until it was done) we were so grateful as it allowed us to buy our house (we have obviously since paid it all back).

They are super generous with my kids. They dont live close enough to help with regular childcare but they take the kids to stay with them / on holiday every year.

Whenever they visit they always bring bags of goodies and clothes for the kids (we are not in the UK) which they refuse any money for.

Same with dh parents. We lived near them when the kids were babies, they did plenty of childcare and were always generous with random gifts throughout the year.

Recently when my car died and I was struggling to find a replacement on my budget they sent a card and inside was a surprise cheque to help. It made all the difference.

We have never asked for help but we are both very lucky to have lovely generous parents. And yes we do know and are super grateful.