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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP & Escort sites

10 replies

Bygollyitswindy · 10/02/2020 20:40

Ok, so I don't know how to deal with this. Whilst searching for something on my DP's phone I came across 'Busty escorts' from a city around 40 miles away, then further escort sites both searched and accessed closer to home.

I took screenshots and confronted him. He denied at first (bloody typical) and said they had come from PopUps. BS I know. Eventually he admitted to having looked out of 'curiosity'. He tells me he has never paid for sex and had no intention of doing so . We have been together 2 1/2 years and he's amazing in every way so this has been an absolute blow to my confidence, trust, self-esteem etc. WTF??

He has apologised so many times since then and told me it meant nothing and he would never take it any further but I cannot let it drop. I don't say anything for weeks and then I look at the screenshots and torment myself and start questioning him again, thinking of a batch of new questions each time. I regularly search his internet use now and have found nothing suspicious since. We are together nearly all the time and there is nothing on his call logs to suggest he contacted any women from these sites. He has even offered for me to check his internet banking to see for any suspicious transactions or cash withdrawals (he does everything by card). I didn't take him up on this.

He is not experienced sexually and I am older than him, I'm very confident and told, attractive, and I'm wondering what could possibly have made him do these searches. Our sex life has always been good and just gets better, I regularly dress up sexily for him and he will do anything I want. Plus we are very loving and tender with each other, we treat each other with kindness and respect (or at least I thought so).

He says he made one 'mistake' and I need to stop going on about it. This happened ten months ago now. He's getting fed up with me bringing it up and I know I'm making him miserable.

I really think this could be the end of what I hoped was a lifetime relationship as I simply cannot get over it. No matter what I try to do to get over it I see it as a massive betrayal to me personally. Goodness knows how women who've been cheated on cope if this has turned me into a mistrusting wreck. He has now had enough and is making me feel like a crazy bitch. He refuses counselling but I feel I need it. Am I completely over reacting?

Am I being unreasonable to believe that men looking at these sites is wrong?

OP posts:
smeerf · 10/02/2020 20:47

Get rid. You've only been together a couple of years, you've got no kids or mortgage presumably, he's disgusting and you don't trust him.

Bin.

looselegs · 10/02/2020 20:58

You need to decide whether you can forgive him, move on and not bring it up again
Or end the relationship because you can't get past it.
How you are living at the moment is not good for either of you.

ButtonandPickle19 · 10/02/2020 21:02

I think a one off mistake and error in judgement can and should be overlooked. He didn’t cheat and he’s not behaved in a way of concern before. I suggest you tel him how it’s made you feel and then try to move on. No one is perfect and everyone makes a stupid decision now and again. But those sites are hideous and make it clear it can’t happen again

Boireannachlaidir · 10/02/2020 21:15

He's getting fed up with me bringing it up and I know I'm making him miserable.

Aw diddums poor him, yes it must be frustrating for him when his partner spoils the ambience by reminding him that he was after some "busty escorts" ten months ago.

Really OP, you're making him miserable and we can't have that, can we?

Please don't go for counselling, what a load of bother, the trust would be gone for me. Is he worth the aggro?

ActualHornist · 10/02/2020 21:16

So for nearly half your relationship you’ve had this issue?

I would dump him. It might be a small thing, but you can’t get over it, and without trust you’re on the back foot all the time. Whether he did or didn’t do anything with the info about the ‘busty escort’ remains to be seen - but you’ll never stop wondering, and you can’t spend your life wondering where he is what he’s doing and checking his phone.

Thehop · 10/02/2020 21:17

You need to forgive and move on or leave.

He’s right, you can’t live like this it’s not fair on either of you.

PatsyJStone · 10/02/2020 21:48

You may need counselling but he doesn’t have to. I understand how you feel, some people find it hard to forget, and I am one of them, but you do need to move on if you are to stay together. If he’s happy to let you check his bank account etc. then hopefully he’s being completely honest. And I don’t see why it isn’t possible that it was a one off, but maybe you should ask for total honesty, you are so far down the line, would he have done something? You may trust him more if he says this is the truth, yes or no.
Due to his lack of experience he may have just been interested, yes the sites are not pleasant, I’m not sticking up for him at all, but my ex once looked at porn because he is inexperienced and wanted to find new positions. And yes, I did believe him, he’d not looked before and didn’t after. He was mortified I saw it and I knew him well enough to believe him.
If he is that amazing then you have to stop questioning him or you don’t stand a chance and you will break up. I agree that maybe you should try and have a final conversation then put it behind you. Eventually you will move forward, if you trust him.

oreoxoreo · 10/02/2020 21:53

I forgave. But my mindset has changed too. He used to be my rock, not anymore. I only depend and trust myself and only feel better for it. I guess, part of my respect for him is gone forever.
When I discovered for more than once, I actually laughed and laughed at him. I said, the pain you caused me over this in the past, I do not feel it anymore. I said, your weaknesses empower me and give me freedom to do whatever I want. I guess it wasn't what he expected. Don't think he cheated or attempted to cheat since, but future, who knows. Won't trust another man, ever.

Mirandaqueenbee · 10/02/2020 23:11

Bin him

rwalker · 11/02/2020 06:38

As with anything deal with it or leave it banging on about it for 10 months isn't going to help you move forward.

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