About DD and her friend?

[TheLionInside]

DD started school in August (Scotland). She has recently turned five and is one of the youngest in her class. However she absolutely loves school and is doing well.

Her class is pretty small. There are 8 girls in the class and they all seem to get on well. However DD became close to a girl very quickly after she started (will call her R for the purposes of this thread). R has just turned six so almost a year older than DD. Seems much older than DD to chat to etc but still young herself obviously. They seemed to adore one another and I was happy she had made a good friend.

Over time I realised that the dynamic between R and DD was a little off. R is very dominant and DD seems a little scared of her. R is very much in charge. However, DD is timid and lacks a bit of confidence in general so in all honesty I didn’t think much of it. Well I did but I didn’t want to be overly interfering. Occasionally I would remind DD that “R is not in charge and if you don’t want to do something just say so” sort of thing. But generally I have just been keeping an eye on it.

There is a little dance class locally that runs on a Tuesday night and a Thursday night. Some girls in the class go on Tuesday, others on Thursday. R goes on a Tuesday. I signed DD up for the Thursday class. I wanted to put a little bit of distance between them. I didn’t say this to anyone (other than DH) I just quietly did it and it was going well, DD was getting to know a couple of other girls in her class etc. Now R’s mum has decided to switch R into the Thursday class “so they can be together” - annoying but she’s well within her rights so what can I do.

So today DD comes home and is upset because R and another girl in the class were apparently making fun of her and calling her names. She told me that she told R that she wouldn’t be her friend any more if she was mean and that R had continued to do it so she had gone off to play with someone else. I told her I was really pleased with how she had handled it.

She said she doesn’t know what to do tomorrow so I told her that maybe she should play with someone else for the next few days if R was going to be unkind. I don’t want to cause trouble between them. I don’t want to escalate it but I don’t want this happening again because she’s sensitive and it’s upsetting her. I don’t know if I have told her the right thing.

I am also well aware that they are all only very young and I don’t want to make this a ‘thing’ but I was a complete pushover at school and I don’t want DD to be the same. I have struggled worn lack of confidence ever since.

Sorry this is a book. I’m just unsure what to tell her to do to be honest.

Don't worry too much about it OP...it's within the realms of normal at this age but it's definitely a tricky stage of parenting. I remember something very similar with my DD1.

Speak to the teacher and tell her about the dynamic. Ask for the teacher's support in helping DD to find others to play with.

Invite some other girls over if you do playdates....and finally get DD into Rainbows or another after school group.

I think you did the right thing, I did the same with mine. She will learn to meet and play with other people and not rely on just one friend or a set of friends... not that this will help but I am still giving my year 5 daughter the same advice and like yours she is one of the youngest in her class and can be quite sensitive. You are teaching her well 😁

Thank you I appreciate that.

It’s very difficult to know what’s right and what’s going to make it worse. I feel very strongly that she needs to not be pushed around. I’d appreciate tips for confidence building.

She has recently started Rainbows (R is there too - only one group here) and loves it but she’s very very tired after it.

R’s mum is fine to chat to but is very very competitive. Always asking “what level of book is she on now? What was said at parents night?” Etc. Not my cup of tea to be honest (but I’d make it work if necessary)

I had to build up my DD's confidence...she was always a shy, acquiescent child...would do anything to keep the peace and was never much for speaking up.

I used to get her to do the ordering in cafes, go up to the counter in shops and ask for what we wanted or to pay for what we'd chosen.

I also thought hard about what she excelled at (not that most 5 year olds excel at anything!) and I did end up deciding that she was good at drawing so I entered her pictures in a tonne of online art contents.

I never told her...then she won one and got a book and some other prizes plus her picture on the social media of the contest owner.

She was so pleased...took it all in to show her teacher.

Find opportunities to build your DD up as best you can. Help her to speak up and discuss what's right and wrong.

We also did role playing where I'd be the 'mean friend' and she'd be herself...I'd say different things and she'd try to improvise how to react.

Then we'd swap roles. She loved that and it's a valuable way to learn.

Youll get this happening on and off over the school years, its part and parcel of being a kid for some kids.. and you have to walk a line between trying to help them through it (and wanting to fix it) and letting them work these things out for themselves, and knowing when to step in. I have a very quiet daughter too who has been walked over and let down numerous times over the years, shes 13 now and doing very well and still learning to be more assertive and stand her ground when she needs to. Listen to her talk about what is happening if she wants to.. and make sure she feels heard and she can tell you everything.

I completely agree with Bill and all their advice.

Also, could you arrange for another child to come to yours "for tea" one evening after school? This is about building up other friendships and showing R that she is not the be all and end all.

This possibly isn't to do with age either, it is just a dynamic of some children. I would speak to the teacher so that they can keep an eye on it in school.

This is a great thread I am so glad I posted.

It happened again today and she told the teacher who apparently spoke to R. So we will see what happens. I’m pleasantly surprised by how well DD has handled herself.

Confidence building suggestions are great, I’m going to start implementing them

My DS used to say "I'm going to play with someone else until you stop being horrible. If you want to be nice again, you know where to find me"

I was very proud of him as he seemed to have made it up on his own and it worked!

I had similar with my DD at school when she was in reception.
Another little girl, same age but more outgoing ( older sisters, and more social and confident) befriended my DD and tried to 'mother' her. She had DD hanging on her every word but this little girl would totally overpower her. We spoke to the teacher who was aware of the power play and helped DD by putting her in work groups with other children helping shift the dynamics. At home we enrolled DD in different clubs and encouraged playdates with other children.
The teacher said these power plays are very common in R/Yr1 and things even out as children get older (although friendship issues don't get any easier ime)

Yeah she’s just told me that today she had no one to play with and now I feel like I’ve messed up.

You haven't messed up. You're teaching her how to stand up for herself. She needs to begin making other friends. This is something she might need support with.

Speak to her teacher and ask about that...ask how they can help her. Also ask DD if there are any children she'd like to invite for a playdate after school.

Then invite them.

She’s off for a few days now. I’m going to see how it goes next week and if it’s the same I’ll have a chat with her teacher.

DH has suggested innocently messaging her mum along the lines of “any idea why they’ve fallen out?” - I am aware that we only have one side of the story here. Is this a bad idea? I don’t want to end up in an awkward argument with her I don’t think that’ll solve anything.