Am I a bad person for not helping out much?

[ADJ1151]

Hi all, I have wonderful grandparents. They have been there for me more than my own mother a lot of the time. They’ve been both ill health recently but generally fight back well and are pretty well for their age but struggle to do things for themselves, don’t really drive anymore etc.

I won’t go into details so I don’t give away my identity but I am really struggling to help out
And being made to feel guilty for it by family.

I don’t live close by, about half an hour which isn’t far. I work part time in school hours when I can, my partner works up to 50-60 hours a week. We have two young DC who have health concerns of their own so their own meetings, appointments etc. My son has autism and adhd so incredibly hard work. They need me close by to pick up from school. Both very set on routine and consistency and need me around.

My grandparents children including my mum are making me feel guilty for not helping out. My mum lives very close to them, she works minimal hours and youngest children in late teens so I feel it’s a lot easier for her. I have uncles, one of which doesn’t work due to ill health but can drive and help out etc. Other uncles work full time but no children or other commitments so could help out evenings and weekends. I also have a brother who could help out. They aren’t short of helpers.

For instance was asked if I could take them to a hospital appointment 30 miles away. I simply couldn’t. OH was at work and my two children needed picking up. Wouldn’t have been back in time. I also get major anxiety about travelling too far when DC are at school and I’m not close by.

To add to this my children have been ill on and off for the best part of a month. There is a lot going around the school and they seem to be catching virus after virus so I’ve been busy taking care of them plus surely my grandparents wouldn’t want to catch it? DS has been off for 2 weeks out of 4. He had a nasty virus he couldn’t fully shift then a sickness bug on top of it!

I visit them once or twice weekly but just can not commit to helping them out because of my own commitments. Aibu?

It’s a case of wanting to help but generally struggling with it.

I have wonderful grandparents. They have been there for me more than my own mother a lot of the time

Try proposing things you can help with rather than waiting to be asked and then saying you can’t. Eg it sounds like you could do their supermarket shopping (online or in person) once a week or going over and doing their cleaning/ironing. Helping them sort post or other affairs.

"I'm sorry, but I can't take them to the hospital. However, I am quite happy to do x y and z. Why don't we all sit round as a family and work out who can do what"
You do need to put yourself out for your grandparents, and I'm sure everyone could write a list of reasons why they're busy.
But you dont need to do everything

Yes offer to do what you can.

I was in a similar position at one point. Due to ocd and a physical disability I was limited what help I could give but discussed with family and between us all we all had SOMETHING we could do,

I have lots of experience dealing with benefits plus a background in bookkeeping so I helped out with financial stuff.

I also "granny sat" one day a week. Just keeping her company and making sure she didn't wander off of hurt herself. I'd "do" her hair that day too after another relative had washed it I'd dry and style it for her.

Others did more challenging tasks (for me) like bathing, prepping meals, cleaning etc

We worked it out between us.

Online grocery shop is a great idea as something fairly easy for you to do perhaps one evening a week but which by doing so relieves someone else of the task of shopping for them. Perhaps co-ordinate with another if they need the shopping put away.

You could ensure their finances are in order if you have that experience/aptitude.

Source disability aids for them.

Take them for appointments when convenient to yourself, co-ordinate with others to arrange that.

Sit with them as I did which can free others to do other tasks for them or even just give them a break. Even a couple of hours is better than nothing.

As the parent of a child with multiple disabilities I know where you're coming from. The mental fatigue of dealing with everything associated with that child plus normal family day to day life leaves very little time to recharge. Add into it the responsibility of aging relatives and you will very quickly find yourself hitting a wall. There are other relatives who can offer more practical help, who are not also caring for a child with SEN.

Thanks all. Thankfully they are pretty independent within their own home. They can cook, do light cleaning, use the bathroom etc by themselves. They aren’t very elderly but have been in poor health recently (heart issues, arthritis, cancer scares etc) They also like to shop themselves. My grandad will drive to the shop down the road but doesn’t feel confident enough to driver further which is sad because he drove hundreds of miles for a living up until 10 years ago.

It’s the getting to hospital appointments (they seem to have a few a week atm) which is the struggle for them and heavier chores around the house, collections prescriptions etc.

They are still very much with it and control their own finances pretty well.

Prescriptions can be delivered if that info is of use? I'm housebound and mine are delivered.

Hospital appointments are a bit more tricky, it used to be easier to arrange via hospital transport services but these have faced major cuts. Very much a postcode lottery situation.