Help!!My friends mental health is making me worse

[KristyMcc97]

My friend and I have known each other now for about a year. She has bad mental health and has been diagnosed with BPD (boardline personality disorder) she was diagnosed with this before we met. I have always been there for her 100%. I would’ve taken phone calls at 2/3/4 o’clock in the morning as she sleeps ALL day and is awake ALL night (she wasn’t like this when we met). I am now 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my first baby, I’m over the moon!!! My friend is phoning me every night to either cry or complain about something, it may be something so silly e.g her boyfriend hadn’t text her back in 2 hours😑 but due to her BPD her emotions are heightened, I get it! She was never this bad, she would’ve called over for cups of coffee and a girly chat (I miss those days) however the past 3-4 months it has been all about her and her feelings. I don’t get a chance to put a word in because she talks over the top of me. I try to change the subject to something that I had maybe done during the day but I’m quickly shut down with how bad she is feeling. I had suggested to her that maybe now that I am pregnant I can’t be there for her all the time and I can’t really be taking on any of your problems anymore as I am now pregnant and do not need the stress. I would be a very empathetic person, almost too much! I would be worried about her as her reply to me asking for less negative energy was “I’m such a bad friend, nobody wants to listen to me I would be better of not here” she would then take herself off on a walk at all hours of the morning and then I can’t sleep for worrying. I can not go a day without wondering what today’s issue is going to be. It feels like I always have to be OK so that I can listen to her not being OK. When I tell her I’m having a bad day and I’m feeling down she either doesn’t reply or replies with how her day has been worse than mine.. I’m at a loss because I do care about her a lot as a friend but am I being selfish by asking for space? I need other people’s opinions if I’m being unreasonable or not, thank you💕

It sounds really difficult for you, op. You obviously need to step back a bit but that doesn't make you a bad friend. In fact it will probably make you a better friend as when you do see her or talk to her you'll have more energy. Could you try texting along the lines of 'Hi friend, I'm not ignoring you tonight but I really need to rest/work/etc so I'll call you tomorrow at _o'clock. Have a good evening, hope you manage to get some sleep xx'

My dd goes through phases of needing me a lot so when I can't respond instantly I send some positive messages and keep reminding her she is loved etc.

So I am speaking from my personal experience here as I also had a friendship like this but not as bad. My friend also had BPD after some very traumatic events. So some of the things I say may seem hash and hard to do but they are possible.

I'm not going to tell you to cut her off as I think that you will find that too difficult to do (and quite frankly if you could stomach that you would have done so already). Though if you think you can maybe taking a clean break from this friendship is what's needed.

However, it is important for you to remember that you're not responsible for her happiness or well being. Repeat this to yourself self like a mantra. Yes she is unwell, but you cannot fix her so to act like she is your responsibility is detrimental, for example by taking phone calls through out the night when you need to sleep as pregnancy is exhausting.

I agree with the poster above that you need to pull back but set times when you will speak with her. This is important for two reasons, first you don't feel like you are completely abandoning her, second it regains some control of the dynamics of the relationship. It is important that you try take back some agency, it will make you feel better. For me resetting the terms of the relationship was far less stressful than being the sounding board for everything that my friend got into her head. Often they were sad things, negative things, but there is a reason that therapists get paid money to deal with that day in and day out.

It's ok to hold some part of yourself back as well. If you don't have time to talk be honest and stick to that. Hang up the phone if needed. Practice saying firm but friendly good byes in the mirror.

Friendships are give and take and would you be happy treating someone else how this friend treats you? Would you be happy if someone else treated you soon to be child like this?

It will be hard to set boundaries, she may not understand or try to guilt trip like she seems to have done previously. That's ok, repeat the mantra, continue to reinforce boundaries.

When I did these things I found that it was like a weight lifted from me. It did take a couple of months but the practice did shine through. The other thing was I found I was more willing to be assertive in the rest of my life as well so that was a nice bonus.

I think you sound like a lovely person, good luck

Well you need to stand up for yourself. Tell her you cant take night calls and to ring samaritans if shes suicidal. Or maybe journal and speak to her gp.
Id put my phone on silent or switch off.
I think you need to let her know you are only available for x amount of time for a call and then end it when that time is up.

Your friendship is too one sided. She needs professional help.

The easier but colder method is to cut her off ✂️✂️✂️

You sound like a loverly friend but unfortunately she is abusing your friendship. You need to set boundaries for your own health. Dealing with mental health is hard work and most people need professional help.