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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in resenting my husband for his betrayal?

25 replies

StormySunshine · 10/02/2020 12:37

I don't know whether to give a long or short version... The short one is that I just found out by accident that my husband (of 25yrs) has been having an affair for a year with a woman overseas (not from his work but he travels there few times a year). I've been struggling with cancer for 7 years now (it returned again a couple of years ago and they've told me that it's terminal but no finite time - for now my meds work). I would leave him regardless but our DS has been struggling with depression for a few years. We finally found the right meds for him and for the last month he's the best he's been for a very long time. I can't show at all how I feel because I'm scared that it will tip our DS over the edge. I feel so helpless and resentful but can't see a way past this...

OP posts:

CakeandCustard28 · 10/02/2020 12:44

Oh hell no you are not being unreasonable!! If your unhappy and miserable do you really want to spend the remaining of your time with someone who is making you unhappy and miserable? Yes you have DC to think about but sometimes you need to think of your own happiness OP. Whatever you decide, make sure it’s the right choice for you though.

dognamedspot · 10/02/2020 12:46

You're completely reasonable! I agree with Cake, you need to think about your future was well as your DC. And also consider that they might understand more about your relationship with your DH than you think.

Original poster

StormySunshine · 10/02/2020 12:52

That is why as well as being incredibly hurt I feel so resentful. I feel like I am in prison. I can't even allow myself the "normal" reaction. I have to lie and use my illness as an excuse tonight, so that I don't have to sleep in the same bed!

OP posts:

wrinkledimplelover · 10/02/2020 12:58

You are definitely not BU.

However, if your DS ever finds out that you stayed with your DH because of him, he will be devastated. Especially if your time is somewhat limited.

If your DS sees you happy, that will alter things in his life. Maybe you don't need to make a decision today, but you can certainly start looking at your options, giving DS a bit more time on the meds to feel stable and so that any changes you make are swift and certain. If that's possible.

Your DH is despicable.

BobbyBlueCat · 10/02/2020 12:59

You say you havea terminal illness. Well, do you want to spend your last years like this, just for fear of MAYBE upsetting your son?

Your son is going to face things in life that challenge his mental health. Your death being the worst of all.
Avoiding all bad things isn't a fix for his depression, learning how to cope with bad situations when the occur IS.

You don't sacrifice your happiness for somebody elses. You need to do your life and your son will have to learn how to cope (harsh as that sounds). Because if he ever found out your last few years were ruined for fear of upsetting him would destroy his mental health more than his parents splitting up.

Bluetrews25 · 10/02/2020 13:32

Your DH is awful, even if you didn't have your health issues and your DS had no MH problems.
YANBU to resent him!
What age is your DS, and is he aware of how you are medically?
What do you want to do?
I have known people split with partners so that they can spend the remaining time they have left as happily as possible. I have also known people leave when they are unable to cope with having such an unwell partner.
Sorry you are going through this. I hope you have support around you. Can your hospice arrange any counselling for you and separately for you DS?

MadamePewter · 10/02/2020 13:35

My, what a shit time you’re having!

How old is DS?

picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 10/02/2020 13:40

Can you give DH the responsibility for making everything look 'ok' to your DS?
So he has to make excuses for giving you space, rather than you doing it?

Original poster

StormySunshine · 10/02/2020 13:42

DS will be 18. He's already had to repeat a year (A levels) due to his MH. He was so bad that I've had to sleep on his bedroom floor for awhile, for fear that he'll try again to end it. I am not in a hospice (yet) by the way. I'm actually doing ok physically, apart from suffering of CF (can't really tell I'm I'll by looking). But I don't know if or for how long I can keep pretending that things are ok...

OP posts:

DuploTower · 10/02/2020 13:47

Is your husband generally supportive and loving?

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Life is truly unfair.

billy1966 · 10/02/2020 14:00

YANBU.

Sounds very very hard OP.
💐

Nquartz · 10/02/2020 14:12

@BobbyBlueCat is right, unfortunately your DS will have to learn to deal with awful things, avoiding them will just mean he doesn't develop coping mechanisms.

I'm so sorry for you, this is a really shitty thing to happen to you & you deserve so much more from your DH.

Original poster

StormySunshine · 10/02/2020 16:03

Thank you all so much for the support and advice. I am quite reluctant to tell the family, though. I know that they all, and DS in particular, will need all the support they can get for when I'm not around. That is yet another reason I'm feeling so resentful. I know that my husband needs to be there for them and if this comes to light it will remove the main support from them, and I just can't do it...

OP posts:

aroundtheworldyet · 10/02/2020 16:09

Does your dh know you know?

PersephoneandHades · 10/02/2020 16:44

Parents often think that concealing the truth from their kids protects them, but it rarely does. I could always tell when my parents were unhappy, no matter how chirpy they were acting, it's likely your DS already senses it

So sorry to hear about what you're going through OP, but remember that you deserve support too

Wherearemycrayons · 10/02/2020 16:56

I genuinely can’t even believe that he could do that. He’s disgusting.
Does he know that you know? How did you find out?
In all honestly I understand that you are putting your family first but surely you need to look after yourself with you being ill? You deserve to enjoy your life too!

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 10/02/2020 16:59

Is your husband generally supportive and loving? what the hell? So it’s ok he has been shagging someone else for a year if his supportive when his home sometimes I despair at Mumsnet really I do

No way would I stay with him, I would NOT spend my last time on this earth with him anywhere near me.

Your DS is 18 an adult. Unfortunately as an adult he is going to face many things that aren’t easy to deal with.

If I was your child I would want my Mum to live her final however long happy, not stuck with a cunt of a DH that cheated while she was battling cancer. Your DH really is a new kind of low!

nicelyneurotic · 10/02/2020 17:34

Divorce him. Get half of everything (or more) and leave it direct to your DS. Otherwise your DH will get the lot.

HaudMaDug · 10/02/2020 17:35

Please OP do not waste any more of your precious time on this disgusting man.
Please do not keep this a secret from your DS. If your condition suddenly deteriorates and he finds out after you are gone then I would think that would tip him over the edge and the resentment he would feel towards his dad would mean he loses both parents. Soften the blow for your DS as he already has enough on his plate, he may already suspect and is trying to keep it a secret to save hurting you.
Now is not the time for you to be pretending everything is OK so set yourself free and go live your best life as much as you can.
Wishing you all the best.x

aroundtheworldyet · 10/02/2020 17:39

No he won’t necessarily get the lot if she changes her will and leaves it all to DS. Which she should do btw. Because if he’s this callous he will probably remarry and leave everything to someone else

But I can see how it’s a terribly tricky situation to be in. I would have it out with the DH. But perhaps come to some arrangement, that is if you are sure you are not going to recover.
But every choice is personal. And it’s not as easy as LTB in this scenario

Regardless of what you chose, I don’t think you should be hiding your pain from the DH though. He shouldn’t be able to walk away totally without consequence.

Original poster

StormySunshine · 10/02/2020 18:03

I found out accidentally when he was on his phone! next to me in bed. I was just waking up and glanced over. It took a sec to notice that the chat he was in was full of hearts and kisses, then saw "my love" and a Chinese name in top of the chat. So asked straight away who was he texting. After he said "oh, no one" I demanded he hands over the phone. He refused and it all spilled...

OP posts:

aroundtheworldyet · 10/02/2020 20:01

I would think about getting this moved to relationships or starting a thread there. You’ll get a lot of ongoing support there. Which you really need right now.

Elliesmommy · 10/02/2020 20:11

My darling woman you need to put yourself first. You have had a rough time of it. Hes having an affair for a year ?? Hes a top class prick. Enjoy your time with your son. Leave you H to it . sending you positive vibes and hugs x

Original poster

StormySunshine · 10/02/2020 20:39

Thank you - Ok have followed aroundtheworldyet 's advice and re-posted in the relationship section

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 10/02/2020 20:43

Thing is, YOU won’t be upsetting your ds, your horrible shitty husband will be. This is all his fault, not yours. Don’t let the thought of your dh needing to step up if you’re no longer around put you off. He will still be around, just not necessarily in the same house. Don’t let your life be wrecked because of his horrible behaviour.

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