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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another money thread

24 replies

Wuzzle85 · 10/02/2020 09:17

Long story but wanted an opinion on what I should do. Last year while I was pregnant my dad and SM took my sister and step brother on holiday. They are both adults although slightly younger than me- I’m late 20s whereas they are both mid and early 20s. It was arranged and not discussed with me. I only found out when my SM off handily said ‘oh we are taking x and y on holiday. We didn’t ask you as we didn’t think you would want to go with your pregnancy and we thought they could both do with the holiday.’ I was upset as I felt I was being left out of a family occasion. I told my dad this at the time and he said the reason they had done it was that they were going to give me things for the baby but to make it fair they decided to take the other two on holiday. I have my own opinions on this but that doesn’t matter now and I have just let go. Thing is my lo is now 4 months and I haven’t received anything for the baby-they tell me to go ahead and buy what I need and they will give me the money, for example when I was having feeding issues I was told to just go ahead and buy the steriliser new (I had planned to buy it second hand). Having these things or money from them was never something I expected before I got pregnant but I am just fed up of every time we see them hearing that they want to get this or that for the baby but then it never actually happening.
Should I say anything or should I just move on and forget about ever having the money?

OP posts:

ClubfootMaestro · 10/02/2020 09:17

Move on and forget about it

Whynosnowyet · 10/02/2020 09:22

Any sign of another dgc you ask them where you holiday is...
Nasty people...

CakeandCustard28 · 10/02/2020 09:24

Move on and forget about the money. But next Time you see your dad, sit him down and explain how hurt you feel before it bubbles up into a pit of resentment.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/02/2020 09:26

Forget about it and don't expect any favours from them.

I know it hurts because you've been left out and you'd think they'd want to do things for their grandchild, but people are weird.

Sparkle567 · 10/02/2020 09:31

Send them a link to something you want/need for the baby and ask them to order it?

Original poster

Wuzzle85 · 10/02/2020 09:41

@CakeandCustard28
I told him at the time how hurt I was. Explained that I felt left out of a family occasion, that I would of liked to have been given the option to have joined them and that in my opinion (I know that others may disagree with this as it is their money and they can spend it how they wish) that it was unfair that I get pregnant and I am having their first grand baby yet the others get a holiday. We did talk it all through and he apologised and said he intended to give us things for the baby. So I put it aside to be honest it still hurts a little but the holiday has been and gone now. I can’t change that so I am working to get over it.

What I am fed up with is every time I see them (which is every couple of weeks) I get told to buy this or that for her and they will give me the money then if I haven’t bought it I get told oh go on and get it and we’ll give you the money. The latest thing is a nice foam play mat as we have hard wood floors. I just can’t justify spending that money if I am not sure I will get it back. I was just going to get some of those foam puzzle pieces instead. They absolutely dot on her and keep offering to look after her so I can rest and I love seeing them with her. I just don’t know whether to bite my tongue when they say about getting her things or actually point out how many times they have said- we will get her that or give you the money for that and never followed through.

OP posts:

LASH38 · 10/02/2020 09:57

Are you upset about not being invited on the holiday, or not having it paid for?

Their promises, I’d just smile and nod.

Clearly they must feel some guilt or something but if it were me I’d rather keep my pride in not letting them think I needed anything from them.

CalmdownJanet · 10/02/2020 09:58

Could you not say "Look to be honest you keep saying to buy things but that leaves me to buy and then have to come and ask for the money, I'm not going to do that, so if you would like to buy her something please either ask which we would like and buy it or ask how much it is and give me the money to order. You don't need to buy anything at all but I'm not ordering and coming back to ask for money so that won't work if you do want to buy dgc something"

Alsoco · 10/02/2020 10:03

The main thing is that they dote on her. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but the rest really doesn’t matter

BiBiBirdie · 10/02/2020 10:12

I used to have this with my parents. For example, my 21st, they gave me a towel set from Tesco cheap brand. Probably about a fiver at that time. My sister got a car that cost them over £5000, they took a loan out to pay for it. They then paid for her (first) Wedding (£25,000) and then when she got collared cheating on hubby number 1 and he left her with the mortgage, they paid months of that too and then bought him out his half.
I stopped speaking to them for good at least 15 years ago as I was sick and tired of them bankrolling her. I was made redundant at one point due to the workplace going bust, took ages to sort my finances out as unfortunately I had to sign on and paperwork was lost. I was literally down to my last £2 on my electric metre and had no food so asked them to loan me some money.
They wouldn't. She took my electric key to the shop and put £5 on it, then bought me Tesco value bread, a pint of milk and some oven chips.

When I finally had some money from JSA, she was at my door. It came to £10.2p at the time so I gave her the £10. She held her hand out and said "and 2p".
That was the end for me.
Apparently sister got married again and they've paid for that too.

Bibidy · 10/02/2020 10:28

While I do think, as you said, it's their money and their choice how to spend it, I can see why you feel a bit hurt. Tbh it sounds like maybe they thought it was the perfect opportunity to get a family holiday in with less people to pay for as you've got your own stuff going on.

What I am fed up with is every time I see them (which is every couple of weeks) I get told to buy this or that for her and they will give me the money then if I haven’t bought it I get told oh go on and get it and we’ll give you the money. The latest thing is a nice foam play mat as we have hard wood floors. I just can’t justify spending that money if I am not sure I will get it back.

In this scenario, I'd say "Oh I'd love to but I don't have the money in my account to order it myself" - hopefully they'll get the hint and either offer up a card for you to order it there and then, or order it themselves later.

Ponoka7 · 10/02/2020 10:37

Pick something, go see your dad and tell him that he needs to pay for it because you haven't got the money.

Bibidy · 10/02/2020 10:52

Pick something, go see your dad and tell him that he needs to pay for it because you haven't got the money.

Can you do that? It's not like OP's dad is responsible for paying for the things she needs for the baby?! That would be pretty rude.

If there's things you need, perhaps just ask nicely if they would help you pay for it? Sounds like they'd be willing.

Lovemornings · 10/02/2020 10:53

Have you actually asked them for the money, or presented them with a receipt? Seems a bit premature to get upset with them not coughing up, if so. But if they have ignored your requests for repayment then yes, they're being pretty out of order.

I get this kind of thing with my parents quite a bit of the time. I've learned to ignore it as otherwise I'll go down the route of being so resentful that our relationship will fail and I don't want that to happen. Eg for birthdays, I'll call them on my birthday or the kids birthdays to give them the opportunity /tell them to say happy birthday. Sometimes I get sad that they can't be bothered (my understanding is that they do remember but don't bother to call), but it's just not worth getting resentful. I tend to buy the kids presents from them, but I've given up asking for the money back! Sounds ridiculous now that I write it down, but it works for me. (My siblings get 1000s in handouts - no point thinking about that either).

Do ask, and good luck!

It might also be worth letting them know how you feel, using the 'when you xxxx, I feel....' approach too. I've found my parents to be surprised and contrite about things when they have realised how I'm really feeling, which is probably why I'm forgiving of their behaviour and no longer really feel the need to bring it up.

Original poster

Wuzzle85 · 10/02/2020 11:06

@CalmdownJanet Thanks that is perfect. It is exactly that. I do just want them to dot and spend time with her. It isn’t about them buying things for her. I also don’t mind ordering things if they do want to get her things, it is easier but I don’t want to be out of pocket. I also hate asking for the money from them. Maybe that is the issue as my step brother and sister seem to have no issue asking.

OP posts:

PlopTeeth · 10/02/2020 11:14

Could you take this a step further and actually say “if you pass me your card now, we can order it online together “? I wouldn’t have the nerve as hate asking for things even if they’ve been promised to me but you sound braver than me!

I totally get why you wouldn’t buy something that you can’t afford and then present them with the receipt with no guarantee of being refunded though. It’s too much of a risk that it wasn’t a genuine offer.

Original poster

Wuzzle85 · 10/02/2020 11:22

I couldn’t play the I don’t have the money in the account card as the truth is we have enough money. We saved very carefully for this baby when we decided to have one. I put money aside to cover the costs and to be able to take the whole year maternity leave. We have also recently moved house and are having work done on it so even though they don’t know how much we have saved they do know we are not tight for cash. I haven’t directly asked for it- but they have mentioned it. For example oh we never gave you that money for the pram we will pay for x instead but when the time comes it never comes.

I think I just need to work on the basis it isn’t coming and if it does appear then that is a bonus. And if they do ask about why I haven’t ordered it be honest and use janets suggestion.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wuzzle85 · 10/02/2020 11:32

@LASH38
It is the not be included. I would of paid for myself- my husband even suggested that we put that to them so that I could go but As I only found out weeks after it was arranged didn’t think that it was a good idea.

OP posts:

Bibidy · 10/02/2020 12:02

If you're not short of money and your only gripe is not being included in the family holiday OP, then I would just write this off as a minor annoyance and take any offer from them to buy anything for your baby with a pinch of salt.

SunshineAngel · 10/02/2020 12:11

I don't have any advice as it's a difficult situation, however over the years, my family have pulled the "We thought you wouldn't want to come" card many, many times.

I have always replied, that might be so (sometimes I wouldn't but other times I would), but it would have been very nice to have been asked!

LASH38 · 10/02/2020 12:16

I hate to say this but they don’t sound very nice. So I wouldn’t want to spend holiday time with them nor would I expect anything from them.

I have had a similar situation, esp the holiday thing.

I got over it by learning to accept the regard they held me in which allowed me to stop yearning for their care/attention. It’s not nice to be on the receiving end.

Makes for a happier life.

EKGEMS · 10/02/2020 12:29

Just flat out ask "You've been saying you were going to buy your granddaughter things she needs but never actually do it-so are you or aren't you going to buy anything?" Ask calmly and look them square in the eye

abstractprojection · 10/02/2020 12:38

If you had asked for a load of expensive new items for the baby, before they booked the holiday, I can understand but you didn't. And a last childless holiday with your family before the baby arrived would have been nice, I can see why you were disappointed and felt left out.

Do you actually want or need anything for the baby? It seems pointless to buy stuff just because.

Maybe next time explain that you really don't want or need anything, but if they would like to take you away as a family with the baby at any point in the future, that you'd really appreciate it.

Original poster

Wuzzle85 · 10/02/2020 15:39

The offer was for things that we would of been buying anyway but some of which I would of bought second hand rather than new but as they wanted to get it for her ended up buying new as that is what they wanted if that makes sense. Big item wise it is now more of things that are nice to have rather than absolute needs but then soon we will be into the smaller things like weaning stuff, toys for her etc all of which I had budgeted for and planned to buy a mix of new and second hand.

OP posts:

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