Feel like I’m being dictated to and not happy

[SpeechIssue]

Ds is 2 and has some ‘issues’ not sure yet exactly what he’s waiting for assessment. One thing is a speech delay

At home we play plenty of games, read books etc.
I take him to a small (paid for) group that focuses on sounds and listening for part of the session
He’s waiting for SALT appt
I take him to the groups at the children’s centre mostly as he just needs to get out. He likes to go off and play he doesn’t really interact when there not even with me but he likes to just play alone but I thought it’s still good he’s getting out it’s a change of scene?
It’s also very very busy there used to be w limit but now as many people can go as turn up so it’s very busy and loud.

I’ve been told I’m not doing what I should as I’m not interacting with him when there -he doesn’t want to if I try as have in the past then he gets annoyed he wants to just make his way round the room himself and gets frustrated otherwise ?

I usually sit and just watch him it works for us and we do plenty at home and the other group which I’ve explained yet now this seems to have been turned against me ? That I’m apparently not doing enough and if we miss a week it’s me not taking his issues seriously it’s not a compulsory group it’s drop in ? Although you sign in so it can be checked if you’ve been

I’m feeling a bit fed up tbh as am trying my hardest in difficult circumstances and feel like just trying to find another group where I’m not being criticised

Hmm, this reminds me of going to one of those SALT groups and told I was doing too much instigating play rather than let DC lead it...he got there with the speech in his own time. Think they can tend to blame the parents over these things, at times.

I also was told he was spending too much time in preschool but he was just doing the 15 hrs funded time (due to not interacting 1:1 during that time)

Who’s telling you you should be with him?
He isn’t hitting other children is he?

If he has a number of issues then wanting to go off and play alone could be part of that. A speech delay could stand alone or be part of a wider condition. Of course it's better not to jump to conclusions but also not overlooking behaviour that might point to an underlying cause.

I think I’d be inclined to go elsewhere. Who exactly is doing this observation of you and your son? You know your situation best and clearly have your son’s best interests at heart so unless it’s someone with some exceptional qualifications in SALT I’d be cross about this.

I just feel really judged and I’m trying my best he likes the group but he likes to go off by himself and I was thinking it’s better to let him do that and stay calm than be in his face all the time plus it’s SO loud anyway it’s not really that helpful as he can’t really hear me there anyway I imagine !!

You need to see this from their point of view. They are there to support good parenting. Many children have language delay because they don't get much input from their parents. They see him doing his own thing and wonder if that's the case for him in which case they need to point it out.
Just tell them the other things you do, that he prefers to interact in quieter environments, and you come to this group so he can enjoy a change of scene and different toys.

No he doesn’t go near any other children tends to live activities to the ones where there’s nobody or less people doesn’t interact at all

The staff there sort of walk around and it’s where the hv have clinics so they had signposted me to there and I’ve been going but I don’t think it’s working out

I think I’m going to stop going tbh I think a smaller group may be better he goes to one small one each week I’ll look for another and I feel less judged tbh as it’s making me stressed which doesn’t help

He’s that’s just it it was for a change of scene and to get out not for speech and I have told them all the other things we do. Once the weathers better he likes the park etc and I might just try and arrange more meet ups with friends etc as I can’t stand the feeling watched/assessed/judged etc

I am always right there in the room I just sit at the side - they have chairs there for parents so I’m not sure why it’s a problem I actually use them ! I just feel like it’s too much stress it’s a shame as he likes it but I’m sure I can find something with less of an atmosphere

Seems a shame for him to miss out if he enjoys it. Just ignore the people and let your son enjoy the group.

He really does so I feel bad but there’s so much going on the criticism isn’t helping me. He can be really hard work and his other small group is 100% interacting singing etc so this one is a nice opportunity for me to sit and just watch him and he’s occupied I don’t think they realise how exhausted I am ! It gets him out and I get to recharge a bit just by sitting

Just stop going. If hes already doing another group thing, just leave it at that.take him for walks or to the park.

I would look for a different group , he is only two and lots of two year old play alone and don't want to co-operate or interact others than on their own terms . You need to find something with no agenda

Keep going if you like the group - develop a thick skin I'm afraid if you have a child with SN xxx

Look for a different stay and play type group, we go to one and all the parents do as you do and the kids go off and play. It's great and my 2.5yo was similar with speech and interactions but is now getting more interested.

I used to hate the judgements made at the Children's Centre I worked at. They didn't let parents have a hot drink at the play sessions as 'it's dangerous and they should be interacting with their children not having a drink and chat with other parents!'. Such nonsense. Sometimes that might be the only time a parent gets a hot drink and sometimes they might just need to get out the house to a safe place for their child to play while they vent or get advice from other parents - nothing wrong with that. I also felt it was good to model how to have a hot drink safely round a child. If a parent needed help with playing/interacting with their child that could be done in a low key way without depriving them of a hot drink. My DS certainly didn't want me playing with him all the time!

OP i have a completely normal 2 year old and he is exactly the same when at playgroup and always has been. He really really enjoys it and absolutely hates me 'helicoptering'. It's actually been indicated in studies that allowing your child independence in these situations leads to more secure attachments and better self confidence, problem solving etc. etc.
I get judged every single day I go because I sit and drink my coffee in peace, or scroll f/b with one eye on my kid, or catch up on some work notes, or knit, or generally have a bit of down time. I only step in when there's an altercation (usually driven by another child trying to snatch things off ds, with their parent sat right next to them) or if ds approaches me to play. This works for us and is necessary for us.
I really really understand it is hard to feel judged (I'm temporarily living in a country where they parent very differently so I'm somewhat of a parenting paraiah) but I'm confident in my parenting approach - my background includes studying child development.
I keep going for me and ds and ignore the other parents/supervisors. Some days are easier than others but my relationship with my kid isn't about them so they don't get a say in it.
I have found it quite effective to look people who say anything to me dead in the eye and say 'you choose to helicopter parent, I choose to allow ds to learn life skills through independent play. I don't feel the need to critique the rights and wrong of your approach, I also don't need or want your comments on mine.' or a good old odfod.
On another note my bil didn't talk until he was five. He's now studied in Cambridge uni, got a PhD and is doing well for himself.
You sound like you are doing everything right. You can't possibly please everyone else so crack on doing what's good for you and your son!

develop a thick skin I'm afraid if you have a child with SN

Totally agree. Trust your own instincts and keep going to the group if you feel it benefits him. IME with SN provision you do occasionally come across people who go first to the assumption that parents are to blame for/exacerbating their children's issues and never consider that since we've been interacting with our kids 24/7 since they were born, it's possible we actually interact with them quite well. You have to focus on what's important, which is that, if there's any resources going that might be good for your DS, try to get them.