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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to speak to this Mum/teacher

29 replies

Pettyargument · 09/02/2020 18:37

My DS aged 12 has just started high school (in NZ). He just told me this morning that on Friday he and three of his friends (he’s in a group of five) we’re waiting at the bus stop. His other friend drove by with his mother who is a teacher at the school and offered them all a ride but there was only room for three of them so she left my DS at the bus stop and took the rest. I know what he is like and he would have said no that’s fine I don’t mind but secretly he was (and still is) really upset. Should I mention this to her? He’s kind of the underdog of the group as it is and I think as a teacher and a Mum she should know better regardless of him saying no it’s ok. So would I be unreasonable to mention it?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/02/2020 18:39

Does your son actually want you to mention it?

If not , leave it.

Original poster
Pettyargument · 09/02/2020 18:43

He only mentioned it on his way out the door so I didn’t ask him. I told him if it happens again to be more assertive and honest that he doesn’t want to be the only one catching the bus

OP posts:
Stayawayfromitsmouth · 09/02/2020 18:43

I wouldn't mention it but it is a bit crap of her/them.
Perhaps work on helping your DS to choose better friends and to speak up.

WorraLiberty · 09/02/2020 18:44

I think you need to ask him before you ask Mumsnet.

Bezalelle · 09/02/2020 18:54

Is this a battle you really need to fight?

Original poster
Pettyargument · 09/02/2020 18:56

No I guess not I’m just sad for him and just think I would never do that to a child and she’s not who I thought she was

OP posts:
Tombakersscarf · 09/02/2020 19:00

What should the mum have done? Did she stop knowing she couldn't take them all, or just pull over seeing children she recognised? The nice thing would be if one of the children had offered to stay behind with him.

mantarays · 09/02/2020 19:01

I wouldn’t do this as a teacher. I would either offer a lift to a whole group, or nobody.

However, is it really something you need to complain about?

Whynosnowyet · 09/02/2020 19:02

As a teacher should she be taking dc at all?
As a dm yes - but to school? Ds has to get a taxi sometimes as teachers aren't allowed to transport students.

Original poster
Pettyargument · 09/02/2020 19:03

Personally I think you’d leave at least two behind if you’ve realised you’ve stopped and can’t fit everyone. Then again a decent friend would offer to stay behind so I guess I’m just as annoyed at his shit friends

OP posts:
Sally872 · 09/02/2020 19:04

She was completely unreasonable. I would have pulled in then said "sorry I miscounted dont have room for you all will have to get bus" I would be really annoyed but not sure what speaking to her will do to help.

Iloveacurry · 09/02/2020 19:05

Honestly, his friends are a bit shitty to leave him. One of them could of stayed.

GreenTulips · 09/02/2020 19:05

I’d give her the benefit of doubt as a one off. Maybe she realised too late one would be left to catch the bus and felt awful?

She what else happens

Sally872 · 09/02/2020 19:06

They are 12 it is a selfish age. If adult offered and most were going and ds said it was fine I can understand friends taking that at face value at that age. Ds could tell friends he felt a bit shit if he is able to.

NailsNeedDoing · 09/02/2020 19:08

Are you sure that she knows they’re a group of five?

Original poster
Pettyargument · 09/02/2020 19:10

I’m not going to complain to school about it. We’re sort of friends via our children but we have been messaging over the week about how our kids are getting on at their new school. She’s also my son’s teacher in one subject. If I was going to say something to her I’d do it via messenger as that’s how we generally communicate

OP posts:
Original poster
Pettyargument · 09/02/2020 19:11

She 100% knows they are a group

OP posts:
Kn0ckOnTheDoor · 09/02/2020 20:05

im afraid i would have to say something. i would mention it politely but from your sons point of view (maybe she hasnt seen it this way). I would just say your sons just told you this story and did it actually happen then see what she says.

Original poster
Pettyargument · 09/02/2020 20:20

I did just wonder if I should tell her that although he said it was ok it did actually upset him, in case it happens again

OP posts:
NamedyChangedy · 09/02/2020 20:25

If you do choose to mention it and want it to be non-confrontational, you could ask her to keep an eye on the group as a whole, as DS was upset at being left behind, so not focusing on her insensitivity. And do it sooner rather than later as everyone else will have forgotten about it otherwise

MrsKneller · 09/02/2020 20:34

I’d probably send her a private message saying - really kind of you to offer the kids a lift, just thought you should know that although DS didn’t want to show it, he was a bit upset to be left alone. I know you wouldn’t have wanted this, just letting you know in case it happens again! Hope to see you soon.etc etc.

Then leave it & be friendly as normal.

Very awkward and I can’t think why she did that. I’d never leave 1 kid by himself, it’s obviously wrong. Don’t blame his friends, they’d not think of it.

Skysblue · 09/02/2020 21:20

Wow crap friends. Or, were they just deferring to the teacher’s authority?

She handled it badly but was prob caught off balance. Maybe send a message like Mrskneller suggested. Would have been better for teacher just to wave then drive on by than pull over to split up the group.

Priority is to teach him to stand up for himself. He needs a polite way to let others know when he’s not ok with a plan, seems he doesn’t have a clue how to do that and it’s such a key life skill. Maybe role play it with him!

Hockeyboysmum · 09/02/2020 21:23

I'd never leave just one and like you would be gutted if my child was left. But then I genuinely dont think my 10 year old would willingly take a lift leaving 1 person behind.

lanthanum · 09/02/2020 22:01

You say he only mentioned it as he was going out of the door, so I would double-check facts before even considering doing anything.
It may have been that she pulled over and said "I've got room for three of you", and he volunteered "I don't mind getting the bus." It's still rather rude that she offered when one was going to be left out, but your son might be rather annoyed if you waded in when he'd said to her that it was okay.

Bluerussian · 09/02/2020 22:06

Leave it! If she only had room for so many it was first come, first served.

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