Re money

[MrsBrentford]

I am pretty sure IANBU - but please tell me if I am.

DH has always earnt more than me.

After we married we got a joint bank account which all our money goes into (inc DS maintenance and child benefit) and all our bills go out of (inc maintenance for DH 2 kids).

This was mainly because DH had racked up quite a lot of credit card debt and was demoted at work, and he wanted me to take charge of our finances. Our finances were a bit ridiculous too with constantly transferring money to each other for shopping.

He works away in the week where he lives for free but obviously eats, DS and I use the gas and electric, and basically have to live here (eat etc) and we have a mortgage.

DH and I each have our own personal account which we put the same amount of “spending” money from the joint account each Month.

Finances are now a bit straighter and a lot of the debt paid off. We have taken out a loan to do some things to the house and I have a loan for a newer car (I have to have one for work- my old one needed £2000 of work doing to it) which I have agreed to take in students to pay for (he has given me endless amounts of shit about buying the car which he agreed to at the time).

DH has unbeknown to me now got himself into another load of debt (not huge) over something really stupid and taken out a credit card to manage this. Most of his “spending” money is now going on this and he is basically using the joint account as his own personal account.

He has also been “re” promoted at work and is saying that he should be able to dived what he likes because he earns more - although the arrangement was good enough for him when he was earning less.

AIBU to think he is in fact very misguided, selfish and potentially his spending is out of control?

*spend

Both your spending is. You took out further loans to "do some things to the house". If it's fixing a hole in the roof, understandable. If it's for vanity work, not smart when you have pre-existing loans and life is tight enough already.

Yes though, he is also of course being selfish if he's taking money out to spend all on himself and his stupid extra debts when there's food and bills to pay for. Something needs to change, because you've got a lying, sneaking partner on your hands who is getting you into further debt and not giving a shit about it. So what are you going to do? If you stay and he's not changing...more fool you. If you leave, will it be easier for you?

We had paid everything off. We took out a loan to do something that needed doing to the house and I borrowed money from my parents (interest free) for my car.

Both of which we can afford.

OP - AIBU? Yes you are. OP -no I'm not.

I was asking if IABU about OH attitude not if we should have taken out a loan for a car or doing something to the house 🙄

YANBU
Taking out a loan for the house is a joint benefit so a joint cost. Buying a car for work when the earnings go into a shared pot is not a luxury spend.
If he was happy to share when you earned more then he doesn’t get to switch it around when it suits him.
He hasn’t really learnt any financial management has he.

No - and I am really pissed off about it.

My solution to all marital issues is not to LTB though.

I would sit down with a budget and make it as clear as you can that spending that has no benefit to the family comes out of your own “pocket money” not the joint account.

We have a spreadsheet

My solution to all marital issues is not to LTB though.

So what are you proposing to do then? If he has no financial management skills at all, refuses to discuss it and thinks that whats left of your joint money is his, then this sounds like a recipe for a pretty miserable marriage.

If you plan to stay with him then I would divvy up the bills according to your % of income - so if he's earning more then he should pay a greater % - and then transfer the DD for those bills on to your personal accounts and close the joint one. That way he can't pillage what's left in it.

@BaolFan

Can you elaborate?

Chop up his credit card. He's obviously not in control of his overspending.

Don’t have a joint account.

Can you elaborate?

Make a list of all of your regular bills - mortgage, utilities, insurance, childcare, groceries, loan payments. Basically all of your weekly/monthly outgoing that are necessary to keep food on the table and creditors happy. Total it up.

Then put down what your respective monthly incomes are and work out what % applies to the lower earner - e.g. if he earns £2000 per month and you earn £1500 per month then you earn 75% of what he does. Apply this to the bills; work out which bills and which amounts would equate to these percentage shares.

Then - and this is the crucial bit - move those specific bills/DDs to your respective accounts so that they are not being paid out of the joint account. Once this is done you can close the joint account.

Keep a spreadsheet of who has what, so that if something changes - a payment drops away or a new bill comes up - then you can both review and work out how to split it fairly.

TBH the % share is normally done out of a joint account (you both would transfer your respective shares into it for bills and keep the balance in your own accounts). However the reason I'm advising to close your joint account is that you are jointly liable for any debt (overdraft) on it, and given your H's very lacklustre approach to financial management I would not want to take that risk.

There is a risk attached to this - there is nothing to stop him running short one month, not telling you and then bouncing a DD as a result, unless you have access to online billing to check.

If he refuses to go for this then you really do have a bigger problem.

Your finances are either joint or separate.
You can't pick and choose when they're joint and when they're not.

If they're joint:
If you take out a loan, you do it together and payments come out of the bills pot.
If someone gets a promotion, you both get more spending money.

If one of you is getting into secret debt that's a problem that needs sorting quickly.

We have a joint account for all household bills and mortgage roughly the same % of our earnings go into that (i earn less), we then keep the rest in our own accounts for personal bills: phone/gym/car insurance

@MrsBrentford

Our take on this is the other way round. Both have accounts into which incoming money goes - salaries etc and from that [in proportion so that the higher earner pays more] an amount by Direct Debit into a joint account from which all household bills are paid. In case of Joint Account there must be two signatures to draw out and all other items are on old fashioned postal statements for obvious checking each month.