Please tell me I’m being ridiculous - I know I am

[Dividingthementalload]

Be gentle. My kids are well rounded and secure. Clearly I am not. I am overwhelmingly upset when they are left out or (as recently) one is missed out of a smaller party. My eldest was less sociable so I felt this was ‘justified’ but I still feel it viscerally with my youngest who is very popular. Why? And more importantly how do I stop these feelings building up and taking over? The fact that I know they are unreasonable almost makes it worse and I feel even more shit but it obviously strikes at the heart of some deep seated insecurity.

Kids seemingly totally unbothered. Eldest openly says ‘ I can’t be invited to everything’. Youngest gets loads of invites some of which are smaller parties that others don’t get invited to as well. I don’t even think they know to be honest, and roll with it with ease if they do find out (no meanness, no one is lording invites over anyone here). I envy their steadfastness! I know it’s proper learning for real life, and it’s good experience for them, it’s just how it makes me feel which I know is crazily out of proportion.

You are being ridiculous, but you know that. Try to get over feeling like life is a popularity contest. If you are happy doing what you are doing, with the people who really matter to you, what does it matter whether other people put you top of their list or not? Pleasing people who just happen randomly to be in the same class at school (or wherever) is not a high priority.

Red sheep - how do you get not to give a shit though, if it isn’t innate?

They're your kids. its perfectly normal to defend their every move, feel hurt/offended/saddened on their behalf. Parents emotions about their kids arent always logical!
Just dont let them see you feel that. They sound well balanced.
Sounds like you're doing ok so far.
When it comes to mine I would do anything to make sure they never get hurt. But I know that's unreasonable and wont help them in the long run.
So keep biting your tongue. You're doing fine.
Is it related to feeling left out as a child? There are moments I have where I worry they wont make friends/will be seen as uncool etc. But these are my hang ups not theirs. Our job is to make them feel confident enough to weather disappointment.

Um, dunno. I was never the popular kid so if it wasn't innate, I had to learn early. How do you change anything about the way you think? you try to change your mental soundtrack, correct yourself when you catch yourself thinking a certain way and remind yourself that's not what you really think.

I have tried literally pushing the thoughts out but it’s really hard. I privsbly did feel like this as a child but not because of other kids, had a pretty insecure up bringing which has left it’s scars. I was always the popular one and it was a mask I think I wore whilst feeling utterly crap underneath. These days I’m actively not like that - I choose my small group, I don’t want to go to the opening of a paper bag, don’t do parent events etc. So actively no FOMO now personally but feels so bizarre feeling it for my kids whilst simultaneously knowing it’s utterly crackers. It’s quite invasive.

Creweneck, I’ve just started some actually so think you’re right. Not got far so far but hoping it will help.

I voted YANBU because I interpreted as whether you are U for feeling the way you do. I don't think you are because feelings aren't really something that you're in control of'; all you can control is how you act on those feelings.

If you weren't the popular kid at school and if you're a fairly sensitive person, then you're likely to interpret being left out of events differently from someone with different experiences and a different personality.

The really important thing is that you haven't passed on your insecurities to your children. You say yourself that they are well rounded and secure. You're clearly a great mum.

I've never recommended counselling before but in this case I do think that you might find it helpful.

I feel a bit like this with my youngest. I'm always worrying about whether he's happy even though he's a happy jolly kid.

Every tiny disagreement he may have with friends I magnify it in my head and start worrying if he'll be happy.

I know it's ridiculous and I'm not usually a worrier so it's taken me aback. All I can do is keep minimising it and telling myself he is fine.

Thank you everyone. Weary - yes I totally agree with you. Other people’s problems are often much more serious, maybe I’ll try to remember that when the illogicality takes over.

Hi OP. Our children are a reflection of us, so if they're left out, you feel it too. In your case though, the insecurity stems from you alone. Please don't show them you feel this way! You have done such a good job in making them confident and secure
What type of counselling are you getting? CBT could be useful for changing your current thought pattern.

Perhaps you need more things in your life.

I work full time and have sole care of ds, I don’t have time to worry about stuff like that. A week where I get ds to school, homework done, with all right kit on right days, to hobby at weekend, plus to a party with correct present/card on time is a success.

Worrying about what other people are or aren’t doing doesn’t even get brain space.

You must teach yourself not to mind, otherwise you will teach your children to be upset

You are not being unreasonable in the least. I felt all of this keenly when my children (sociable, well-adjusted) were younger. I still feel it now that they are 18 and 16 but not in the same debilitating way. You adjust to different challenges as they grow and with that constant adjusting comes extra resilience, I think.
Good luck, OP! You are doing your best. I have two happy, funny, socially integrated teenagers who tolerate my fussing with affection and amusement. I hope for the same for you

do you invite the entire class and entire club every time you organise a party for one of your kids?

No? there you go then.

I remember feeling exactly how you feel and knowing it wasn’t rational. I got CBT which helped me a lot. Those old feelings still surface from time to time even though my dc are adults now. I try very hard to not equate popularity and success with happiness, they’re not the same thing at all.

I do sympathize. I'm grand when I get a rejection (from a job, not invited to drinks, etc) but when any of my family are I do become a little indignant at the thought others cannot see that they are objectively the most wonderful people in the world

That said, if these thoughts are worrying you or becoming intrusive then have a little look at CBT. It's a way to try and understand and control your thoughts. It doesn't sound serious enough for a therapist unless it's really worrying you so try and get a book on the subject and see if it helps.

It's fantastic you've been able to keep your anxiety away from the children so they aren't worried about it. It's a fact of life and it will serve them well to understand it now.

Upside I think that’s it! But I know it’s not rational to want an invite to everything when you don’t invite everyone yourself.
I’ll look into cbt. I’m so pleased the kids are more secure than me but it’s exhausting hiding it and dealing with it so would be better to just stop it in its tracks to be honest.