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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a red flag?

28 replies

Bathbedandbeyond · 09/02/2020 08:34

New boyfriend of around 6 months. He’s wonderful and we get on well. Mutual friends have a positive view about him and he generally has a great reputation.

Last night he went out with friends in a city around 40 miles away so he was staying over. He text me three times between 7-11pm, but I didn’t answer as I’d fallen asleep with the DC.

At 11.30 he called my phone and woke me up asking if I was ok. He sounded cross? I sent him a jokey text, which he didn’t reply to for an hour. When he did reply, he was normal, said he loves me etc.. but didn’t apologise for waking me up.

AIBU to think that last night was a red flag?

OP posts:
HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 09/02/2020 08:37

He was probably drunk so being a bit of an arse, no excuse for waking up though. I wouldn't say this alone was a red flag but you're obviously concerned, has he done anything else?

Original poster
Bathbedandbeyond · 09/02/2020 08:40

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge thanks for replying. No other red flags at all, but after a terrible previous experience I’m fearful that I’ll end up in a terrible relationship again.

For context, we don’t live together and he hasn’t met DC.

OP posts:
KidCaneGoat · 09/02/2020 08:41

Totally depends. I wouldn’t rely on friends’ opinion of him necessarily as people can hide how they are. He could just have be anxious that you hadn’t replied. But weird to not say that tho. Or he could have been checking up on you which would be worrying. It’s hard to tell from just one incident.

LuluBellaBlue · 09/02/2020 08:42

Hmmm I’d give it an Amber flag 😂
Basically speak to him, I wouldn’t let that neediness spiral - he could of genuinely been worried about you, but actually it’s not his place to worry about you and check you’re ok. I’d re affirm strong boundaries and watch out for any further behaviour

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 09/02/2020 08:44

I would speak to him when he's sober and say you weren't happy about him waking you up and ask why he did it? His response will probably let you know if it's a red flag.

Original poster
Bathbedandbeyond · 09/02/2020 08:44

lulu good plan, I’ll amber flag it Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Bathbedandbeyond · 09/02/2020 08:46

Thanks for the advice all. When I answered the call, his voice sounded harsh and unlike him, but I guess I was tired so perhaps misinterpreted what I was hearing and he was definitely definitely drunk, so maybe that’s it Blush

OP posts:
GroggyLegs · 09/02/2020 08:49

I agree - in isolation I'd put it down to being a bit drunk & an arse. What did he think was going to happen to you in the house with your children (unless you have a medical condition or something relevant)?

Personally, I think I'd try and address it by saying 'were you okay last night? It was a bit out of character that you called and woke me'. And see what his response is.

curiousierandcouriser · 09/02/2020 08:49

Could he have interpreted the lack of response as you being upset with him? Not excusing his behavior, but if he was drunk, then he wasn't thinking clearly.

Wouldn't hurt to have a chat about it, but if nothing else I wouldn't worry about it.

Reginabambina · 09/02/2020 08:49

Maybe he’s a paranoid drunk? Some people get drunk and just worry and worry and worry. He’d probably convinced yourself that you’d taken advantage of his absence to cheat on him with your married next door neighbour but the sex you had was so mind blowing that the bed fell straight through the floor and you were both crushed to death by falling debris. Or something similar.

Lampan · 09/02/2020 08:52

‘I guess I was tired so perhaps misinterpreted what I was hearing’
It’s good that you are aware and looking out for red flags. But this line sounds like you are already (subconsciously?) making excuses for him...

Original poster
Bathbedandbeyond · 09/02/2020 08:52

Reginabambina that made me laugh.

Interestingly, he didn’t think I had the DC last night as they were due to stay with family, but family were poorly, so we had an early night all together.

OP posts:
LettyFisher · 09/02/2020 08:53

He was probably pissed and a bit worried. I'd leave it for now. Can you put your phone on silent at that time of night?

I agree that it' becomes a concern if they try to keep check on you all the time (whether by constant messaging or whatever), and that can happen quite insidiously.

I did have a bf who went for constant messaging and even suggested that we both put find our friends on. To start with I just thought the constant messaging was sweet - now I'd run a mile if it happened again.

He would turn up at my house though (and weirdly other places I was at), he'd also try to get me to see or meet him at the end of any night out - so red flags galore there!

santasbigbum · 09/02/2020 08:55

Not trying to minimise but it sounds like he was worried about you if you'd not replied to texts when you usually would

Fivetillmidnight · 09/02/2020 08:56

No OP nothing weird about that at all. I would say genuine case of concern about you if he hasn't displayed any sign of tracking your whereabouts before .

You weren't joining him (I presume because you had the kids) and he had a reasonable expectation you would be home. To send 3 texts between 7-11 and get no reply , would be a bit concerning.

MN can see 'red flags' in every single relationship. Expects perfect selfless behaviour at all times , to be caring , kind and considerate to a fault - or its LTB . It's sounds to me that he was just worried/concerned rather than needy/controlling but also maybe simply missing you and needed to hear your voice !

Original poster
Bathbedandbeyond · 09/02/2020 08:58

LettyFisher he does message an awful lot and he does like to meet me at the end of nights out, whether that is in town or back at mine, but I think that’s because I don’t have DC on those nights?

Thus is definitely the first red flag that I’ve really noticed.

OP posts:
CorbynsAnorak · 09/02/2020 09:01

If he doesn’t have kids it probably didn’t occur to him that you might have been asleep between 7-11pm. He probably thought you were ignoring him. He was a bit drunk, so didn’t think through calling at 11.30 and didn’t think it was that late. He was being a bit of an arse, but I’d just talk to him about it and see how he reacts. If he apologised and understands your point of view then all good.

JeezyPeeps · 09/02/2020 09:04

I think it's fairly obvious why he did it. He texted at 7pm, and twice after, and was concerned when he (I suspect unusually?) hadn't had a reply.

And yes, having had a few drinks, he probably wasn't thinking entirely rationally.

Of itself, imo, not a red flag. But as has been said, make sure stuff like this doesn't become a regular thing.

Original poster
Bathbedandbeyond · 09/02/2020 09:05

CorbynsAnorak you’re right, he doesn’t have kids, so probably didn’t occur to him Grin

Thanks all for replying, much appreciated Brew

OP posts:
PanicAndRun · 09/02/2020 09:08

What were his texts about?

He could've been trying to get through to you to come over after a night out, which is annoying and something to watch.

Or he could've been checking on you since he thought you were on your own and possibly up to no good, which is definitely a red flag.

You'll probably know more today once he sobers up, depending on what he says and how he acts.

PanicAndRun · 09/02/2020 09:08

Have you done the Freedom program, since you mention bad experiences before?

lowlandLucky · 09/02/2020 09:12

Maybe he sounded cross because he was bloody worried ! I would have been.

breakingthebank · 09/02/2020 09:13

I also had a boyfriend who called/messaged me when I was out and met me at the end of nights out. In hindsight it was controlling and encroached on my time with friends, changed the dynamic at the end of the night. It progressed to him "not trusting" some of my friends, and he ended up putting a wedge between me and them. I think you need to set clear boundaries now and make it plain that you're not happy with being woken up by him repeatedly trying to call you. I would also keep nights out with friends separate from nights out with him (unless you've pre-planned to all go out together).

Treacletoots · 09/02/2020 09:13

My DH has form for walking home drunk and getting lost and daft stuff when he's let out for an evening, so when I call him to check he's OK and he doesn't reply, I get quite worried, quite quickly and as a result can be quite snappy when he eventually calls back.

It's completely from a place of concern, that builds up, and from my experience knowing he could have ended up god knows where!

Let it go this time, he was probably just worried, but keep an eye out this doesn't happen under normal circumstances, that would be a red flag

PanicAndRun · 09/02/2020 09:16

But OP was at home. What is there to be worried about?