To think I’ve lost myself and I don’t know what to do

[lostinadream]

The record I know how lucky but I just feel lost.

I have two boys aged 6 and 2. I work full time in a job that I just find incredibly difficult and stressful. I don’t feel like I have a social life. My hair has grey roots that make me feel sad everytime I see them and I haven’t bought myself anything to wear in ages and I feel fat and frumpy and grumpy.

I feel like I’ve truly lost my spark. I’m irritable and very agitated to be honest. I do put a good face on it but I really feel like this is becoming harder to do.

I’m struggling with everything to be honest. I used to be articulate and happy and I’m neither of these things now.

That being said, I don’t think I’m depressed. I don’t even know if that makes sense 😔

In fact I don’t even know why I’m bothering writing this because I feel like I’ll get torn apart and honestly just feel very fragile.

It sounds like you're feeling run down and de-motivated. Do you have a partner or any family support?

You're in a rut.

Make a realistic list about what you can change and pick something small to start with. Mine has been to lose weight and sort my cuticles out. I'm now starting on my feet.

It's all about small, achievable goals.

I'm planning a couple of travel (in the UK), that gives me something to look forward to. Which is what everyone needs.

@DonnaDarko

Goodness yeah I do. Sorry I should have mentioned him in my OP. I have my husband. He’s super sociable and continues to maintain a great social life which I have no problems with because he’s a good husband and he deserves his fun.

I just can’t seem to find mine. My DH encourages me to do things but honestly after 37+ hours of work a week and then dinner/bed with the kids I am exhausted and I think this is what is slowly wearing me down.

I just feel like I can’t get time away and I feel like I’m in such a fug that I can’t seem to organise it and then I stress about how crap I am.

It’s a mess and im a bit of a mess.

How old are you op? I'm in perimenopause. Is that a possibility?

I feel the same at the moment. For the same reasons. I decided to start making small changes. Got my hair done. Started drinking more water and eating better. And bought some new skin care. Made myself read instead of watching TV before I fell asleep

I used to love putting on a face mask in the bath. I havent done it for ages. I used to spend hours reading.

It's been a couple of weeks and I am starting to feel more like the old me. Its little things and superficial. Today was the first time our new puppy could go for a longish walk. That made me feel like my old self too.

Start by making a list of little things you used to do, that you enjoyed that you did just for you. And Start doing some of them. even start with one.

I’m 35 @Mumteedum

That’s an interesting point as my mum had a premature menopause which started around this age or just slightly older.

Sorry, I meant start there and the work your way up to going out, being more sociable etc

@Ponoka7's advice is fab. Make a list of what you want to change and then start with something small and achievable. Over time as you achieve your goals you will probably find your motivation and confidence coming back.

Good luck!

It's really hard and o think it happens often as the children leave the baby stage when they're all consuming, but your life has changed so much you can't remember what you liked to do before.

Can you make a list of things you used to enjoy and start trying to do some of them - a short run or gym trip or coffee with a friend just to start off with?

Also bear in mind that this time of year can be wearing as well - it's cold and dark and spring can feel a very long way away...

@Kirkman that’s so good to hear. I’ll need to really have a think about how to sort myself out. I haven’t spoken to anyone IRL about this.

I also have this real worry that I have nothing to do with/in common with my boys. My close friends have daughters and are always doing fun girly things and I am quite girly by nature but with my two boys I think I maybe struggle to relate to what they like.

There’s an old analogy I will try to recall here.

Imagine an empty glass jar. The minutiae of your daily chores are grains of sand. Three small things just for you are three small pebbles. If you put the sand in first there won’t be any space for the pebbles. If you put the pebbles in first the grains of sand will settle in around the pebbles and it will all fit in.

So plan three small things in your day that are purely for you. Some small and some bigger. Get an appointment to have your hair done. Buy a few new clothes. Meet a friend for drinks or a coffee. Read a book for half an hour. Go for a walk alone. Watch something on tv that really makes you laugh. Have a glass of wine or two. Take up an old hobby. Clear out a cupboard or drawer. Have a proper conversation with someone you like.

Whatever you enjoy and is just nice for you. Prioritise yourself for a while every single day. It does require some effort but it’s so worth it.

Good luck.

My pennyworth, feel free to disregard / shoot down any of it any of it.

1. Sleep deprivation, this is what seems to get most people. be sure to get your quota plus periods of rest and relaxation and solitude.

1. Proper nutrition especially vitamin D, particularly lacking in the winter months. Cod liver oil is your friend:

www.nourishingecology.com.au/blogs/health-and-nutrition/40644100-nourishing-traditions-what-is-a-healthy-diet-by-sally-fallon

1. Keep good company. This means giving quite a few people a wide berth where possible - egomaniacs, those always complaining about life, those with victim mentalities, those full of resentment. They will only drag you down.

1. Stop comparing any aspect of your life with others, as its a recipe for a life of disappointment, whether it's your career, your looks, your diet, your social life, your house, car, kids ... you name it.

I second vit d - get yourself tested. I know that feeling you describe.

@lostinadream I have found I tend to put others (DP and DS) before myself, which means I've been neglecting myself. I also felt fat and frumpy, and irritable, until recently.

So at in December, I started carving out time in the morning for myself to do yoga or some other form of exercise. Since then, I've only missed one day and I feel better for it and I can tell I am definitely fitter.

For you,it might not be exercise, but my point is that you should make time for something that you really enjoy doing.

My close friends have daughters and are always doing fun girly things and I am quite girly by nature but with my two boys I think I maybe struggle to relate to what they like.

I worried about that when having my son. It's fine. He is nearly 9. You find yourself being interested in things they are because you love them and want to share things with them. And they will pick up some of your stuff.

My doctor diagnosed a serious lack of Vit D recently, so I'm taking it as a supplement and sitting in the garden in the glorious sunshine we've had over the last few days - which also gives you a feeling of optimism and well being. Do it. Spring is on the way

Hair.
Clothes.
Friends.

You need to carve out some time to make any changes happen. So take DH up on his offer and take yourself off to a cafe or library or somewhere with your calender/phone/laptop/bullet journal on a Saturday morning or whenever. I think I would actually book this time off every week for 5 weeks. Use this time to:

1. Book a haircut and any other treatments you need. Youll need your dhs calender too so he can look after ds.

1. Why do you feel fat and frumpy? Is it because the clothes you have dont fit, arent flattering, arent fashionable? Depending on your answer you can use this time to browse asos, or boden or whatever. If you have the money, book a personal shopper. Do you have a friend you could go with? What would make you feel less frumpy? If you have the money get your colours and style done because it makes shopping much easier.

1. Friends. Is it lack of friends or not seeing the ones you have? If its lack of seeing them then use the time to book a date with them. If it's lack of friends then think how you could get some friends. So use meetup or mumsnet local.

Make some smart goals for each area. I will get my hair cut every 8 weeks or whatever. Make a date with yourself in the future - 6 months? - and check the status of these goals. Then start again by thinking what you need to concentrate on to make you feel more you.

Is there something that you enjoyed doing before having DC that you no longer do? My DW stopped running for few years after DC1, she felt that she was getting back to herself when she took it up again.

Make time for yourself to be you, not mum or wife, just you.

Could it be exhaustion?

Book a few days off to yourself whilst dh is at work and the children are at school/nursery?

I go through weeks where I feel like you, it’s when I am continually doing things for my family and nothing for me. I feel like a servant. If there is no fun in the mix, it feels like a grind.

Like a PP said, see great people, do something for yourself every day and rest.

Boys like fun. Daftness. Dancing. Talking. Creating stuff. Making jokes. Cuddles. Support. Wild park trips. They aren’t so different to girls - not really. They have to tackle very different socialisation but part of your job is to remind them that they are people before ‘Boys’ and that the bond you have with them is unique and precious.

You sound exhausted and you sound normal. You have very little kids, two of them, and you work FULL TIME. It would be weird if you didn’t feel like this.

When the littlest is a bit bigger you will feel better. In the meantime, there’s lots you can do - little moments. Meditation/fun podcasts while commuting. Little rituals just for you. Google and find yourself a beautiful new overcoat. Read. Research wellness and self development. Plan something maybe once a month if not more - coffee/meal out with a friend, trip to a cafe on the weekend with a book...I don’t know, something that brings something back to you

You’re not depressed, you’re drained, over stretched and time poor, and probably suffering from mum guilt. We all have mum guilt, whether we are WOHM or SAHM or somewhere in between. Let go of the guilt. That eats up too much energy.

Hang in there. And be compassionate to yourself. You’re doing a fuck of a lot.

@AtrociousCircumstance

Thank you. You made me cry a bit there. I just feel like everything needs my attention but nothing is getting my full attention so I’m left feeling like I’ve failed at everything.

It’s very unlike me but last week I made an appt for the doctor to ask to be signed off work. I cancelled the appt because I gave my head a wobble but that’s how rubbish I feel.

Thank you to everyone who’s commented and provided suggestions. You’ve all be so kind

I also feel like I’ve become a little too attached to my phone as an escapism and it’s actually probably causing me to be unhappy. So that is the first thing on my list to start/stop. Less dependency on my mobile!

OP, I think you need that time off. And in fact you know you need it too. Give yourself permission and stop wobbling that poor head of yours - you feel rubbish, so be kind to yourself. Get to the GP and tell them what you need, I reckon.

I have been there - in the overwhelm - and am still there now and again. Work, motherhood, the too-muchness of everything. It’s just hard. I see my friends going through it too. But it does get easier.

Hi OP I completely empathise with you. I have felt exactly the same over the past few months. I have two DC who are 5 and 2. I am so busy and run down all the time that I ended up feeling quite down about myself and lost my self esteem and confidence. I felt frumpy as I was too busy to go clothes shopping. I felt bad about my lack of career progression as I am somewhat stuck in my role due to the location and flexibility that I need with the DC. And I had some quite bad habits, such as eating way too much junk food in the evenings.

It's still very busy and far from perfect, but I have made some positive changes and am feeling a lot more positive as a result. Firstly I am taking care of myself a lot more. I'm 36 and I can feel myself getting older. I don't want to end up overweight and unfit. So I have gotten into a better exercise routine - run 5k twice a week (one workday lunchtime and Sunday morning) and 1-2 gym sessions a week on workday lunchtime. The routine is really important I think, as you just get into the habit of doing it. To tackle the diet and also take care of my mind, I've started doing daily yoga (YouTube Yoga with Adriene), which I do each evening. It is only about 20 min and is helping me to break the habit of eating junk food by acting as a distraction. Career wise, I am probably unable to move jobs for another couple of years, but I have asked for more development opportunities at work which is a positive too. Clothes-wise I have just made a bit of an effort to shop online and go in person a couple of times. I am planning that every half term I will take one day to go shopping for myself to keep things ticking over.

Like I say, it doesn't feel perfect. Home always feels quite manic, often even at the weekends when DC are vying for my attention but there are a multitude of jobs to do, let alone considering anything to do for myself. But it's better than slowly drowning in it all, which is how I was feeling before.