To think mental health is not an excuse for abusive behaviour?

[OrionNebula]

Name Changed

A good friend of mine is in a controlling and abusive marriage. She has been married to him for 2 years, together 3 years before that and he has always been jealous and paranoid - example, a couple of years ago myself and her were staying with a mutual friend. We were just sat in the house chatting drinking wine etc and her husband rang. She lied and said she was in bed - I asked why on earth did she lie and she said he wouldn’t like it if he knew she was still up drinking.

To cut a long story short this behaviour massively escalated in the last year; he has been listening to her phone calls, reading her texts and emails, stopping her seeing friends etc. He subsequently has been diagnosed with PTSD and bi-polar disorder. My friend decided she wants to stand by him and stay with him - fair enough that is her decision but I am very worried about her. She is quite a vulnerable person as she has mental health issues of her own.

She told me the other day that she has been seeing a counsellor who has been teaching her “techniques to cope with his behaviour”. AIBU to think she should not have to cope with his behaviour as it is abusive and wrong and that he is the one who needs to change if their marriage is to work? Also AIBU to think that his mental health diagnosis does not excuse the abuse - too often I see MH used as an excuse for controlling and abusive behaviour, usually in men.

As I say, I realise there is not much I can do for my friend at the moment, besides accepting her decision and being there to support her when she needs me. But interested in others views on the relationship between abusive behaviour and MH?

Lots of abusive men use mental illness as an excuse or get out of jail free card for their behaviour. Doesn't make it true. Doesn't make it acceptable to abuse others.

OP I have somewhat similar situation around me.
I don't think anyone should be learning to cope with abusive behaviour.
It is horrible that we on the outside of that type of relationship can not do anything to stop the abuse. It is very distressing.
I had to back off for my own safety and wellbeing, physically and mentally. This does not mean that I no longer care

Lots of people with those conditions (sadly) who do not behave in an abusive way. I’m not aware of anything about either of those diagnoses predisposing someone to that type of behaviour. If (being charitable) they have that effect in him, then a key part of his recovery will be addressing and changing them. I cannot see how her just living with that behaviour helps either of them.

yes it's rubbish. I bet he manages to go to work and not abuse people. And plenty (most) of people with MH conditions are not abusive. my ex used to claim ptsd too. It's bollocks.

You could give her Lundy Bancroft to read, but otherwise just be there for her

As an adult she’s free to make her own choices in a partner and you can choose to support her or let the friendship fizzle.

If there were children involved who have no choice in the matter then I’d feel very differently.

As a one off when someone is in crisis I could forgive some behaviour which could potentially be seen as abusive. I have made suicide threats to my DP and blamed my self-harming on him when in crisis which is obviously an awful, abusive and manipulative thing to do but I couldn’t see it at the time. Luckily he recognises when my behaviour is stemming from my mental illness because it is out of character and part of a general downward spiral.

I wouldn’t expect him to put up with that sort of behaviour all of the time or if I wasn’t able to get help and I agree that the onus is on the person with the mental health issues to change their behaviour, not on others to learn how to put up with it on a day to day basis.

Bi polar can lead to paranoia & irrational behaviour (have friend with it). But if he's taking his meds, that should be fine. Its abusive and I wonder if the Counsellor is addressing this, not just advising 'coping' . I'd really worry tbh, as what are the 'coping' strategies, suffer & adapt (coercive control) or be firm & assertive, reassess the relationship & plan leaving? Does your friend feel the Counsellor is actually helping? You aren't stuck with your first choice if they're not working for you. I had two before the current one, who while very nice, were rather clueless.

It doesn't matter why someone is abusive. Does knowing my grandfather was emotionally and physically abused as a child and tortured for years as a prisoner of war change his abuse of his family? Does it reduce the impact on my dad of seeing his mum beaten so badly she spent months in hospital (during which time he moved on to a new victim and my dad lived with his grandparents)? Does it cure the brain damage my aunt was left with after a particularly savage beating?

Mental health problems might be a reason for someone to behave in abusive ways, but it is not a reason to accept it. Walking away might force them to get help.

I think it can be hard to have a friendship with someone who is in a situation like this. She is choosing to stay in the situation and is asking you to continue to listen to and support her distress around the horrible situation, while refusing to get out of it. I imagine you don’t particularly want to have to keep doing this when it is her choice to be in it. That’s how I would feel anyway.

I can't believe a counsellor is colluding with the situation by teaching your friends 'strategies to not wind up the abuser'.

Poor MH may be a reason for it, but not a reason to excuse it.

Abuse should not be excused for any reason.

@CSIblonde she seems to think the counsellor is
helping. But my worry is that then she is being encouraged to accept and tolerate behaviour that she absolutely shouldn't. And I worry about how much worse he will get if she 'accepts' the way he is now.

I’m with you. He sounds more a controlling abuser than a person with mental health problems.

The problem is, you cannot help until she can see the problem and help herself, as she is already in that kind of mental frame that victim of abuse get: they have been conditioned to believe they have no chance in life to get something better than what they have. If you don’t want to make the issue worse, listen to her, ask not very direct questions that make her think and never ever badmouth her husband (she will get all Romeo and Juliet if you do)

I think it depends. If someone genuinely has a mental illness they can't control and it makes them abusive then that's not their fault but it doesn't mean their partner should just suffer through the abuse.

On the other hand if someone has a minor mental illness they're not bothering to get help with or they're just excusing existing bad behaviour with an excuse if mental illness then they are to blame entirely.

Out of interest, is the counsellor male or female; and is he seeing a counsellor (the same counsellor)?

@NeonSalamandar apparently he is going to see the same counsellor when she has finished seeing her - which again strikes me as suspect and a conflict of interest. He has tried to see other counsellors in the past but not stuck with it.