About health visitor being unnecessarily difficult?

[frillyfarmer]

I'm just gone 37 weeks pregnant with my second, due end of the month.

I received a letter earlier this week about my DS' 24 month check up, they have proposed it to be on my due date, at a children's centre almost 10 miles away. My DS is 30 months at the beginning of March, and the HV never completed the 8-12 month check, despite me chasing twice.

I called the HV team to decline the proposed appointment, and asked whether it was even necessary given it was almost six months later than the questionnaire suggested it should be. The woman I spoke to said it "wasn't compulsory" but that she "would have to make a note on my son's file if I refused the check up" which sounded fairly hostile.

So I asked whether they would be doing an antenatal home appointment like they did when I was pregnant with DS. They hadn't got this pregnancy noted on their system (which she sounded irritated by, is that for me to notify them of?) and she confirmed she could combine the visits, although they don't usually do home visits for the 24 month check. She couldn't organise a mutually convenient date whilst I was on the phone but confirmed a letter would be sent out proposing a new time and date for both appointments.

The post has just arrived, two new home appointments, both proposed on my due date again, but also three hours apart, so I have my appointment at 10am (and please allow an hour before and after proposed time for the HV to arrive) and my DS' appointment at 1.15pm. It seems to completely negate the benefit of combining the appointment and if I haven't had the baby by then, I won't necessarily want to wait in all day for HV. (Dogs, horses etc to do, we spend lots of time outside away from the house).

So, AIBU to be annoyed, and WIBU to just cancel both of them? I don't want to have a black mark against my name with SS, but at the same time having read through the questionnaire for DS, it seems a waste of time - one of the questions is "what do you enjoy about your child" with two lines in which to answer. I can't recall my antenatal appointment last time being helpful either, and the HV seemed affronted I wouldn't give her a tour of my home.

@Mummyscrewedup really? My appointment at 10am as an antenatal visit to a second mother wouldn't realistically be more than 45mins - an hour, surely?

Thanks for all the responses, I will write to them and suggest it is deferred until after I am due.

I just totally opted out of HV support with DC2, I just don't see the point for most people. If I have concerns, I know how to access support.

Can't you combine the new baby check and the two year check at the same time?

@MrsPatrickDempsey if I were suffering from post natal desperation, anxiety, depression or domestic abuse I’d know about it - I’d not need a HV to point it out to me. I’m well aware of the symptoms/warning signs through my own learning as well as the experiences of close family members.

I’m not for one second suggesting they are a waste of time for everyone but they certainly were for me. If I were to have another child I’d opt out of HV visits/checks.

Although people say HVs have nothing to do with SS I did have one threaten to report me to SS If she didn’t see me on a certain day as apparently she HAD to see the baby by that date.

Health visitors aren’t directly linked to social services BUT will report you if they feel you’re being unreasonable or putting your child at risk. I’m also 37 weeks pregnant due 26th February and my hv said “I’m not social services but have a duty of care to report any concerns”

I just declined their services and confirmed I knew where to find them if I needed them. I never quite understood their role anyway as they only ever told you to see your GP if you needed anything.

I'm a fairly intelligent, well-educated mid-30s mum who read all the books and wnt to all the classes. I knew fine rightly that I had post-natal depression but it was still my HV who saved my life, both in the immediate term (by hearing something in my voice that concerned her and coming early for our appointment and therefore finding me in the early stages of my suicide attempt rather than afterwards as I'd planned) and in the long term, by taking me to my GP, by fighting for me to get at home mental health support for me rather than having me hospitalised away from my baby, by liaising with services like HomeStart to find me extra support and, most importantly, by visiting me every day for months. I know not all HVs are good but many of them really are and while I know I got lucky with mine, I do worry that these threads put potentially vulnerable mums off from accessing what could be a valuable support.

My job used to include safe guarding but I didn’t feel the need to state that to pregnant women just so they knew. Some of these HV have no filter

Just cancel.

I declined my second child appointment because I wasnt concerned about him it and found it all a waste of time with my first.

I received the "threatening" letters and phone calls and they were threatening in tone because I actually went to quite extreme lengths to check that it wasnt a legal requirement - it is not! - and I complained about the HV saying their behaviour was inappropriate and unlikely to inspire confidence in mothers who were struggling and in need of support.

When we moved I did see a HV and told her about my experience and she said sadly lots are like it and she had only just managed to build a confidence with a vulnerable patient who did need support but had been so scared by a previous HV she'd refused all contact with anyone in any official capacity

I've had 2 year reviews for both my boys in different counties (moved when I was pregnant with 2nd), and they have both been at the house, I thought this was the norm? They can't force you to go, and if you don't have any concerns I wouldn't worry about it

I opted out of my daughter’s 2 year check because I had no concerns about her behaviour and I told them that. I’ll opt out when the new baby is here too.

It must vary from area to area because I never had any letters or phone calls after I said I wanted to opt out. They offered to come when I had my new baby, I just said no thanks and they said 'no problem, you know where we are' and that was it. I think it's awful that they would harass anyone or threaten to report people.

I would have no qualms about declining the service if you have no concerns yourself.

SS are far too stretched to give a shit about opting out of seeing a health visitor.

I’d cancel and let them put a note on your file. I’m sure there must be competent HV out there but I’ve yet to hear of one let alone experience it.

Honestly it sounds like they’re being deliberately difficult (they might not be in fairness but I would be irritated by it). The 2 year check can be useful- my son’s got him on the road to an ASD diagnosis which I hadn’t expected to happen- I thought he was just “hard work”. However, if you’re confident your toddler is meeting all his milestones etc and you have no concerns it won’t matter so much if he misses the appointment anyway.

I'm going to go against the grain and say actually I think you should male yourself available for the appointments. I don't really understand why you can't make an appointment due to it being your due date? Only 2% of babies are actually born on their due date.
The check up for your toddler is for yours and your child's benefit and peace of mind. It's a screening to pick up any potential developmental issues which might need further input. I don't really see why you wouldn't try to make the appointment, particularly as they are now coming to you.

The two year check is done in many areas at 2 years 3 months or 2 years 6 months and they have different check lists. If the HV is already coming out to see you she can do the two year then as well. Its not true they don't do home visits as children get older, they do if you ask for one.
I think the two year fish check is quite important because thats when they will refer to other services and problems are better sorted out sooner.

I am sorry that you think that HVs are a waste of time for the informed person. Many of these informed people have postnatal depression or anxiety
HVs have a wide role in supporting families; not just looking at child development.

I called my HV about accessing support for my PND and was asked if I "bothered to interact" with DD or "just left her bored". They then said someone would call me a week later to see if I'd "got over this phase". No one called and I've not bothered with HVs again.

They may we’ll be with different HV, in my area they have a specific person for the checks and a separate team for the baby visits & checks.

I agree with BanginChoons and I think you should keep the appointment. I don't actually understand what the problem is? I understand why you wouldn't want to travel too far on your due date but now they're coming to you. Yes it's a bit annoying staying in but ds can always play in the garden. I don't think hv are a waste of time - there are children and parents out that really rely on them.

Health visitors aren’t directly linked to social services BUT will report you if they feel you’re being unreasonable or putting your child at risk

Putting child at risk is one thing.

But their definition of unreasonable might vary quite a lot from mine.

I understand why you wouldn't want to travel too far on your due date but now they're coming to you erm, you seem to be missing the fact that the OP might be in the middle of labour. Of course she's not going to want anyone around on her due date.

Its 12 years ago now, but I declined my youngest child's 2 year check. They had reorganised HV services in our area for "efficiency" so the appointment was with a nursery nurse, not a HV, at a health centre miles away from both where we live and where I work, right in the middle of the day. It was still technically in our (large, semi rural) Borough, but I live right by one boundary and this place was on the other side, literally as far away from my house as it is possible to be and still be in the Borough. I would have needed a full day off work to attend the appointment and it came at 2 weeks notice, whereas I need to give 6 weeks notice at work for annual leave.
Since I am medically qualified, DS2 is my 3rd child and he was seeing the GP and a paediatrician regularly for a long term physical health issue anyway, I thought it was likely that between us we would have picked up any problems that this check might identify. And I certainly didn't feel it was worth me begging for a day's AL at short notice and disrupting my own patients.
So I rang to explain. Got an answer phone, and didn't fancy leaving a lot of personal info so just left our details and the fact that I was declining the check, fully expecting a call back trying to persuade me how important it was. But no. Not a word. I never heard anything from them again. A friend of mine who is an ex HV said that they were probably just glad to be able to cross someone off the list to get the waiting times down.
Which is dreadful really isn't it? I mean, my son was at no risk, and I had good reasons for not going. But how did they know that? At the time they wouldn't have been able to access his medical records or anything. I was irritated about the massively inconvenient appointment but really shocked that they didn't even follow up my opt out with a phone call.

The entire HV system is optional. Personally I wouldn’t bother with it. Ask them to take you off their system and if you have any concerns or questions you can contact them or your gp.