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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A job mess of my own making

22 replies

Reallyneedanewjob · 08/02/2020 09:10

A year ago and left a job with good prospects, excellent salary and great team because I was feeling overwhelmed and over worked. I was stressed, not sleeping and struggling. I took a big step backwards, into a non-skilled job with no stress, no responsibility, no challenges. I thought I'd do it for about 2 years and then hopefully get back into my career.

Obviously I hate the non-skilled job and knew immediately I'd made a mistake. The problem is its working for an acquaintance and if I leave now I'd feel I was letting her down. She's not a friend as such, but we do have mutual friends and it's all a bit complicated.

I've been applying for roles and been offered two but I've turned both down as I don't want to have the 'I'm leaving' conversation with my friend. On hindsight the jobs were not perfect so maybe I'm making excuses.

My head is in such a muddle. I miss everything about my old role (except the stress) and really want to get back to a 'proper job'.

Was I unreasonable to start this latest job in such a hurry? Would I be letting her down?

Any advice on how to deal with this situation? Also any tips on finding top jobs?

OP posts:

EnidBlyton · 08/02/2020 09:11

you can leave, of course,
put yourself first.
you arent doing any favours, you work for a living

Boom45 · 08/02/2020 09:16

Your boss pays you for your time, you arent doing her a favour. Do what is right for you, take your time to find the right job by all means but don't stay because she's an acquaintance - she runs a business and she will have had to hire and fire before, its not a unusual thing to have to do when you run a business.

Toffeecakes · 08/02/2020 09:23

I did almost the same thing OP, I left my stressful career and went to work for family. I enjoyed it but after 2 years I realised I needed to get back to my career as I missed it. Leaving was so hard and only made easier by how supportive my family were even though they struggled without me. I’ve still been helping out here and there but ultimately I’ve left.

I’ve loved coming back to the career I thought I hated, the guilt for leaving is reducing and although it was the hardest conversation I’ve ever had I’m so glad I did it. Please speak to your friend, explain you’ll help find a replacement and that you’re grateful but you just can’t stay. If they take it badly then so be it but you’re definitely not BU.

CMOTDibbler · 08/02/2020 10:10

Think about it this way - if it suited her to fire you, she wouldn't hesitate. You've been working there a year, so just find a new job you want, and give your notice in - don't do the all apologetic thing or offering to help her find someone new: it's her business, not yours.

Original poster

Reallyneedanewjob · 08/02/2020 10:18

Thank you for your comments, particularly @Toffeecakes who's been in a similar situation. Interesting there is a 50/50 split on YABU/YANBU. I'd be interested to hear why some think it is unreasonable.

Just for background, it's not really a business, I work as her cleaner/shitty jobs manager.

OP posts:

ippdipdo · 08/02/2020 10:21

Did you apply for the job there and get offered it or did she give you the job to help you out?

You might find it hard now to get back into a top job but either way I'd tread carefully given how you found it so stressful.

GreenTulips · 08/02/2020 10:22

Cleaners are easy to come by.
You’ve done your time and it’s time to move on. Things change.

Interviews are a two way process. If the jobs right accept it and get excited about the change.

Original poster

Reallyneedanewjob · 08/02/2020 10:24

I heard she needed some help so I emailed her and we had several conversations leading to her offering me the job.

I'm not looking at the top job I had previously, more of the next level down, so I get to go back to an office environment, working with people but without quite so much of the stress.

Money isn't my motivator, my friend pays me very well for what I do. I currently work very much alone and am almost 'invisible', it's playing hell with my mental health in a different way to the stressful role.

OP posts:

Wonkywyebrows · 08/02/2020 10:26

You’ve done a year, I think it’s fine to move on if that’s what you want.

Original poster

Reallyneedanewjob · 08/02/2020 10:26

Gosh the unreasonables have jumped right up! Some really think I am. Tell me why, I'm interested to know.

OP posts:

Dontdisturbmenow · 08/02/2020 10:26

You've made a mistake, you did think much about it and genuinely believed if was the right decision for you. You've now learned more about yourself and got to see that this isn't right for you.

This is what you need to explain to this acquaintance. It might upset her, it might put her in a not so good position, but that's part of business, and friend or not, the same could have happened if she'd employed someone else.

Do your best at being accommodating for her and her business before you go, but you need to think of yourself.

Beseen19 · 08/02/2020 10:34

I was very close with my old boss and it took me ages to hand in my notice. She had been a great support and I'd had 2 promotions while there. Was pretty stupid worrying as she was delighted for me. Just let her know

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/02/2020 10:35

She could easily find another cleaner/shitty jobs manager.
Don't feel guilty for leaving to do what you want to do.

Iusedtobeapartygirl · 08/02/2020 10:38

You MUST do what is right for you. I think you were crazy to turn jobs down just so you don't have to tell an acquaintance that you're leaving.

ippdipdo · 08/02/2020 10:56

it's playing hell with my mental health in a different way to the stressful role.

Then you should move, no job that affects your mental health is worth staying in.

Lambzig · 08/02/2020 11:14

I think the unreasonable might be because you aren’t really clear in your question. Might be YABU to worry that you can’t leave?

Original poster

Reallyneedanewjob · 08/02/2020 11:19

Thanks it's really helped me to progress with my job hunting. I have applied for some new roles this week and hope to hear back.

OP posts:

user14572856389 · 08/02/2020 11:29

I'm curious, was any element of your previous job stress because you're such a people pleaser and struggled to assert your own needs?

Original poster

Reallyneedanewjob · 08/02/2020 11:38

Yes @user1457 most definitely.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 08/02/2020 11:44

I work as her cleaner/shitty jobs manager

It's fine to look for another job. You didn't sign up for life! She'll find someone else if you get another job - no need to stress about mutual acquaintances etc. If you give her a standard amount of notice there's no issue - it's not as if you'd leave her in the lurch overnight, is it? She employs you for a service, she hasn't bought the rights to your decision-making for all time. If a new job would be best for you, go for it.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 08/02/2020 11:49

It’s fine to move on! She has paid you for your work, neither of you owe each other anything more.

user14572856389 · 08/02/2020 11:54

Maybe do some work on your assertiveness as part of your job search? There are good CBT resources online (e.g. Google "cci assertiveness") or various books.

Might help with your job search, exiting your current job, coping in your future job and probably improve other areas of your life and relationships too.

Good luck.

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