DH and phone

[PiafPilaf]

I’m getting so fed up of the amount of time DH spends on his phone. I probably spend too long on mine too, and am trying to rectify that, but it’s really ridiculous. He takes it to the loo and sits there watching YouTube videos so every loo visit takes twice as long as it needs to. When we watch TV in the evenings he’ll say he doesn’t mind what we put on but then sits there reading his phone instead. He can’t see the issue but I feel like I may as well be in another room; I like talking about what we’re watching and feeling connected (can’t currently do much else in the evenings as I’m five months pregnant and knackered). I do sometimes suggest playing a game instead and he’ll join in but never seems bothered.

Luckily he doesn’t really do it when he’s talking to DD but it just seems like he’s always watching daft videos and we lose so much time. I have to ask him to put it down if I just want a conversation. I get that he needs wind down time but I feel like ten minutes every time he goes to the loo is ridiculous and I feel like I spend a lot of evenings just sitting next to him with him on another (smartphone) planet.

Incidentally, before anyone says it, he’s not at all protective of his phone, I can see what he’s doing on it, so I know he’s watching videos of cars and lorries and not texting another woman!

Forgot the main question (pregnancy tiredness!): Aibu if I ask him to not take it to the loo every time and not sit on it in the evenings on the sofa?

Aibu if I ask him to not take it to the loo every time

Yes loo time is everyone’s private time

I really sympathise with you on this, OP. Smartphones have changed evenings and "family time" unfavourably, as it does seem common that people are off in their own worlds rather than talking, watching tv together, etc.

I wouldn't try to keep your husband from taking his phone to the loo, but I'd tell him (again, if you already have) that you feel short-changed on time with him, lately, and it's leaving you feeling lonely. You'd like to spend more time together, actually engaging with one another like you used to do. Even if he doesn't personally feel that it's a problem, the fact that you do should be enough to motivate him to make a change. ...A small change, at least.

I'd ask him to agree to a phone-free period every evening even if it's only an hour each night when everyone puts away the phone (out of reach, so less temptation) and unwinds together.

Failing that, can you muster up enough enthusiasm in his boring video clips to snuggle up next to him and watch them together? (Only half joking!)

I find going on a walk with my husband without phones to be good for getting some attention. Even if it's just around the block. I also find going to bed with a magazine good. My husband will usually come up to find me and say hello. I then start up a chat about some bit of news I've read. Or a crossword, and then ask him for help on the hard clues. It's old fashioned, but works for us

I've never understood anyone wanting to take their phone into the toilet. It can't be comfortable really. Also, a study has shown that phones harbour a lot of germs, ecoli being the main one. I guess we now know how that happens!

@HeadachesByTheDozen I agree, I find the idea of using a phone while on the bog quite revolting. It's not like taking a newspaper in there, where the paper goes in the recycling the next day.

But as I said on the bathroom thread, I really don't get why so many men spend so bloody long in there. DP's never more than a few minutes, unless he's got dodgy guts, and none of my women friends seem to sit there for ages.

Well, in the old days people would read books in the evening. So they weren't always fully engaged with the tv then either

I only know of men who would take a mobile to the loo to have a shit, in the same way that I only knew men who would take a newspaper in the days before mobiles.
Why on earth can't they just have their poo, wipe, wash hands and leave the bathroom?
Why make such a meal of it? Why is it men and not women?
Fortunately no men in my life have ever done this

My OH drives me mad with his phone use. Half an hour first thing smoking on the loo with his iPad, he doesn't smoke indoors so he's in the outside loo and our dogs sit outside howling and barking. This is from as early as 5am FFS .
Then he (very kindly) brings me a cup of tea, sits on the edge of the bed and whips out his phone and cackles at videos on FB, showing me stuff that I don't find interesting.
Then in the evening watching TV, even when he's chosen the programme he's scrolling on the phone.
We go out for a meal and the phone comes out in between courses.
Once we'd had a busy non stop day and we stopped for a McDonalds, I apologised and said I needed to check some emails, done in 10 minutes, and everytime I complain about him using the phone at meal times he brings up the sole occasion that I did it.
We're in our 50s, not kids, I find it very rude.

Is your relationship generally good? It doesn't sound like you have much of a connection from your OP. Quality time is my partners main love language so if I did that to him it would erode our relationship quality very fast.

I am guilty of too much phone usage. My DH has told me before in subtle ways, like saying "Shall we have a no phones in the bedroom rule?" or asking me to read my book now when we're in bed. As a result, I'm much more aware and don't have it out during meals together, don't use it when we're in bed and, if he's having a conversation with me, absolutely don't look at it or Google the answers to questions that may come up. I never use it when watching TV with DH. He'd probably get up and leave the room if I did, saying I obviously didn't want to watch the programme anyway.

Just talk to your DH. Surely he'd feel bad once he realises how annoying it is?!

Aibu if I ask him to not take it to the loo every time

Nip that in the bud right now, or else when the baby comes, you'll find that the time he spends in there grows as he uses it as an excuse to hide from parenting, if he's not already doing it with other domestic responsibilities.

Agree that taking a phone to the toilet is just weird.

We did pre marriage counselling with relate (condition for church wedding around here). The teacher said that if you're sitting on the sofa together and messaging Tony from football or whatever it's like you've invited that person to be in the room with you, ditto sitting watching Top Gear then Jeremy Clarkson is in there. So that's fine if you both agree or you're both doing it, but if one person is on their phone they're in someone else's company not the one actually in the room and that's why it makes us uncomfortable.

I am a woman and I love reading on the loo, it used to be books or magazines /newspapers but now I'll take my phone. Its the only place in the house I get a bit of peace.
Just because you dont want to do something doesn't mean it's weird.

Have you spoken to him about his phone use properly? You need to put yours down too. Maybe suggest phones in the kitchen while you spend the evening together in the sitting room two nights a week?

Taking phones to toilet is gross. Yanbu

Loo time fine. Family time no way.

@BarbaraofSeville heck no he won’t do that - everything with us has always been 50/50 concerning DD and he has never once tried to shirk parenting, even for a minute. He’s probably more hands on than I am..!

@Hollywhiskey that’s an interesting viewpoint. Maybe that’s why it bothers me more than if he were reading a book... I don’t know why it gets to me so much. If we both sit there reading books it feels fine, if we sit there on phones it doesn’t - and if he’s on his phone while I’m watching tv I hate it!