To feel like I’m failing in life a bit.

[Littlepickles2]

I did well academically, took a gap year after college but then got pregnant just before starting uni.

I feel like I’ve been playing catch up ever since. My university kindly allowed me to defer for two years, but due to no childcare and poor finances I couldn’t go back after the two years were up.

I have been in contact with them since January to discuss returning next academic year, but I’m not sure if it will be possible or not, and I’m really worried to hear a no back and delay my career/qualifications even further.

I feel really ashamed. I don’t regret continuing with my pregnancy and love DC - but I feel like I’m not doing enough for either of us. Because of the universal credit work requirements, I’ll have to get a (likely) minimum wage job with no progression in September if I’m not accepted back on my course.

Just feel like everyone had high hopes for me (including myself!) and I’ve done pretty much nothing with my life so far

@Littlepickles2, first up if you have a lovely DC then you certainly haven't done nothing with your life. Its just taken a different turn to what you originally planned.

Hopefully someone more experienced will come along to offer practical advice, but has your uni given any indication either way as to whether they will allow you to return? Is there anyone you can talk to, to help your situation? Universities have a diverse range of students, many now include nurseries for students/staff with young children, do they have any provision that will help you?

‘So far ‘ That’s just it , you have plenty more time .You seem to be really hard on yourself op. You have DC and nothing to be ashamed of at all ! Hope you can get into something soon.

I did something very similar to you. I did end up finishing a degree in the end and got a high flying job but I did have a lot of help. Realistically the first 5 years after a child are lost unless you have very good childcare in place. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

I have a degree. I am still in a low paying job. It doesn't necessarily open doors for you. If I could go back I wouldn't have gone to uni. You can still work your way up without a degree. My boss is on 40k and started out as an admin temp. What do you want to do?

So you’re starting university 3/4 years later than planned? So assuming you’ll be around 22 when you start, that’s not bad really. Still young, barely a mature student. Especially as you have a child so it’s understandable that you couldn’t prioritise uni earlier on. I don’t think you’re failing in life, I think you’ve got a good plan going forward so you should be proud.

If you didn’t get student finance for the 2 deferred years, you should be eligible for student finance for your full course.

I went to university at 18 and dropped out in summer as I chose a course that I wasn’t interested in at a university that I didn’t love. Don’t get me wrong, I had the quintessential university experience and made lots of memories & friends, but I was so much happier transferring university and course the next year term - even though I was “behind” my peers and had to do another year. You have to do what’s best for you.

I had children young (just after university) and finished my masters when they were small. I didn’t really start my career until they were older and had been in full time school a couple of years. I have a fantastic career now and full freedom now my kids are grown. You are still young, there is still plenty of time.

I got my degree at 58. You haven’t failed at life - you’ve produced another human! Go you! Take some time out, enjoy your child, then set a fab example by returning to education and killing it. Wishing you so much- be kind to yourself and try not to worry. We all take different routes.

What are you planning to study OP? Can you apply for other places in case the original uni doesn’t let you return?
For various reasons I didn’t end up finishing until I was 26 and at the time I felt so old and was so hard on myself for not having my life together yet.
In retrospect I was still very young and it didn’t make any difference to my career.

You have had your kids already, that's a massive thing! Many people (like me!) are late 30s have only just got their career sorted (and by sorted I mean found a career they like, not having become a world conquering CEO!) and are now having a break to hopefully have those children. And who knows if the previously enjoyable career will look that enticing once family is factored in? sorry, I digress to talking about my failing life..

Back to you - tbh I don't think you should be focusing too much on the degree.. not to say you shouldn't do it, but think about the career and lifestyle you want afterwards.. have you done your research, spoken to people in your desired career and been advised that this degree is the right way to go? If so - go for it! If not, have a rethink about what will actually get you the career you want.

Another thing re the degree - different universities have vastly different cultures - I'm guessing one more focused on mature students may suit you better now? Or there may be other factors that have changed since you've had children that you want to consider.. in any case, don't limit your options to the one you already have an offer from, it might be that other places will suit you better.

Good luck!

What degree were you going to do? Have you thought about an advanced apprenticeship? There are lots available now where you study for a degree and get a full time wage and no student debt. And especially if you pick something technical your guaranteed a good wage at the end. If you find something your interested in it may be possible to find work in that sector for a few years till your in a position to go forward.

Don't be so hard on yourself OP. You sound like an amazingly strong and determined person. Just because life hasn't panned out how you originally intended doesn't mean it never will. Besides now you have your DC to make proud when you do achieve your goals.

Thank you for all of your replies.

@scoobyd2 I spoke to someone who worked in the department I studied in, who initially helped me organise returning when I deferred. She sounded positive about me returning (said it’s good to hear I’m ready to come back - but I don’t want to read too much into her wording incase I get my hopes up!) and said she will contact admin to advise what the next steps would be. I’m hoping I won’t have to reapply for the entire degree as I don’t have an academic reference to give anymore on my application which is essential..

I have contact student finance who said if/when I do restart, I’ll have the entire course funded even if I start from scratch which is great.

The degree is in psychology and criminology. The psychology element is essential if I want to have good job choices in the future in the areas I want to work in, as it’s accredited. I did really enjoy the course when I did the first year so I’m fairly confident I could use it well - the uni itself is great too, I found them really supportive.

I suppose I could look at other career choices if the uni won’t have me back.

@Cluckyandconfused Can you apply for other places in case the original uni doesn’t let you return?

I’m hoping I can bypass applying via UCAS as my previous uni know I only left because I had a baby and insufficient childcare. If it isn’t possible to do things that way, I’ll have to reapply for next year (I think it’s too late to apply through ucas for courses starting this year) and that way I can apply for different unis. Just trying to avoid that if possible, mainly because UCAS requires an academic reference and I’m not in contact with any previous teacher etc who could give me one.

Don't stress too much about the academic reference - one of your tutors who taught you before you left the course will be able to supply it.

OP when you are late twenties and relatively free of commitments and your peers are hampered by young children, you will be ideally placed to give a career everything you've got. Don't panic, you have your life ahead of you and (alas!) upwards of 45 more years to work

You cannot fail at life.
It is not a pass or fail activity.
Your path has taken an unexpected turn.
You can either try to get back on your original path, which is totally doable but may take a little time, or you can look around you and find a new path.
You can do a part time degree, either your original one or something new, and either work part time or claim UC
You can decide to leave college for a while and work
Or do something else entirely.
Just don't tell yourself that there is one path and if you're not on it you have failed, because that is clearly bullshit