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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking DP's DM is strange for never setting foot in our home?

33 replies

Strongcoffeeneeded · 07/02/2020 21:28

NC for this as a handful of people know my regular username and knows me in RL.

I've been with my DP for 5 years, been living together for 3. I get on great with DP's DM, been invited to her house regularly and always made to feel very welcome, been invited to family events, holidays with them and she always buys myself and my 3 DC (from previous relationship) wonderful gifts for xmas and birthdays and even when she's been away on holiday, we've had great conversations together and she's just a genuinely caring, loving person and mother. But she has never set foot in the home I share with her son.
She's been invited on several occasions and I think I've always made it very clear she is always welcomed. She only lives a 50 minute drive away and is a very confident driver so I know that's not the issue.
A few months back DP asked her to drop off some important documents she'd found that belonged to him. He told her I was home all day and I waited for her to call round but instead of knocking of even just walking in she posted them through the letter box.
Just last month we were having a party, we sent her a lovely message telling how much we would love to have her company and she never came which upset me a little.
I've asked DP to have a word and ask why, but he wont as he doesn't want to to upset and pressure her. He says she just likes her own company and prefers to be at home which I can understand but at the same time, we've been in this house for 3 years! I can't imagine not visiting my DC in their homes.
His DF has visited us on several occasions (divorced from his DM) and lives 6 hours away so I know DP isn't keeping his parents away.
My friends think I should count my blessings as their MIL's are always 'round their homes, interfering. AIBU for thinking its strange and should I say something or should I just accept this what she wants?

OP posts:
EmiliaAirheart · 08/02/2020 00:33

I think you’re overthinking it.
She sounds like she likes you fine. Why would she drive a nearly two hour round trip when she could easily post the documents?

Samhradh · 08/02/2020 00:37

I think the OP meant that her partner’s mother did make the drive, but simply posted the docs through the letter box rather than coming in.

OP, it clearly isn’t you. People have all sorts of odd hang ups.

WhitePhantom · 08/02/2020 00:38

@EmiliaAirheart did you read the OP? she didn't post the documents, she HAND DELIVERED them. Posted them through the letterbox but didn't ring the door bell and come in for a while. Very strange!

ineedaholidaynow · 08/02/2020 00:40

Does she visit other people? Did she visit her son before you lived together?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2020 00:43

He told her I was home all day and I waited for her to call round but instead of knocking of even just walking in she posted them through the letter box.

That really is very fucking weird. Especially given the distance she had to drive. This is a head scratcher for sure. If one wanted to psychoanalise this to death you could come up with various reasons. Perhaps she can't handle being in the home her son shares with another woman besides her, blah blah blah. Who knows, but considering you have such a good relationship with her, and she otherwise seems like a lovely person, it is very strange.

tenlittlecygnets · 08/02/2020 00:46

That’s really weird. Can’t you or her son just ask her?

Does she visit other people?

starfishmummy · 08/02/2020 01:02

Was it her who hand delivered them? Maybe she knew someone else who was going to be in the vicinity and asked them to do it.

Oakmaiden · 08/02/2020 01:05

Does she visit other people?

I find visiting other people's houses quite difficult. It makes me very anxious. Very happy to have people here, but hate to go into someone else's space.

I do it, but it makes me very uncomfortable.

OctopusTea · 08/02/2020 01:08

Did she ever visit your DH in his previous home ?

AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2020 01:49

Maybe she's on MN and has read all the threads about MiL's who dare to visit their sons and DiLs and are therefore 'interfering'.

If she does visit other people easily (so you can rule out that she 'doesn't visit'), and this is way out of left field, but is there any possibility that she may have some moral or religious objection to cohabitation or to you as her son's partner? I wouldn't think so if she buys you gifts but people often draw lines in their 'moral sands' that aren't entirely logical.

I will mention one thing, though. Ages ago I had a BF that my parents absolutely despised (and with good reason as it turned out) but you never would have known it by the way they treated him. They always entertained him graciously and gave him gifts at Xmas and for his birthday. He had no idea they hated the very air he breathed. Neither did I until he dumped me and my sister told me the truth. My parents admitted it and said they did it because they didn't want to alienate me because they knew I'd need their support down the line.

Obviously I'm NOT suggesting that you're anything other than a lovely, caring person. It's just that what appears to be (in his mother's behaviour to you) may not be the truth.

Weffiepops · 08/02/2020 03:21

It's not a big deal, she has her reasons, maybe she's seen friends be called interfering for visiting too much and decided she won't become that.

Littlewelshridinghood · 08/02/2020 13:28

@EmiliaAirheart she passes not to far from my house every Sunday to see her parents and it's a 15 minute detour to pop over to our home, so it's why she dropped the documents off for DP.

Littlewelshridinghood · 08/02/2020 13:32

@ineedaholidaynow DP still lived with his mother before moving out to live with me. She does visit other people, usually her other close relatives and a couple of close friends, but does not do so often.

Littlewelshridinghood · 08/02/2020 13:42

@tenlittlecygnets she does visit other people occasionally. I've asked DP to ask her but he wont a he doesn't want to upset or pressure her and its completely up to her if she wants to pop over or not. He does invite her to parties etc that we have but she either says she might do or she has plans already. He doesn't see the issue that she hasn't been over.

Littlewelshridinghood · 08/02/2020 13:52

@starfishmummy no it was definitely her. She travels to her parents home every Sunday and she passes not to far from where we live, so she came by on her way.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 08/02/2020 13:55

@Littlewelshridinghood Name change fail?

I would just ask her, if your DP won't. In fact, I would go ahead and ask her myself, because it sounds like you won't get a reliable or truthful answer from your DP as he sounds like he is brushing it under the carpet. So just ask her yourself why she popped it into your letter box, and didn't come in/won't visit.

Tp93 · 08/02/2020 13:56

I never like going to anyone's house as I prefer to stay at my house with my things and not have the hassle of taking all the kids things with me. I think I have been to my in laws house 5 times in the 9 years we have been together as my inner ocd doesn't think their place is hygienic.
Your mil probably doesn't feel comfortable in other people's homes.

Topseyt · 08/02/2020 14:04

Littlewelshridinghood? Are you the OP under another name?

I admit that it is a little bit odd that she didn't knock for you when she hand delivered the documents, but don't overthink it.

Other than that, most of what you have said wouldn't bother me at all. In fact, the hand delivery of the documents would just get a bit of an eyeroll. Nothing else.

I think I would be rather like your MIL. I prefer my own company. I can appear sociable, but in reality I just want to be in my own home, either by myself or with my close family.

isabellerossignol · 08/02/2020 16:15

My I laws live five minutes from us but never visit, despite driving past our house multiple times a week on their way elsewhere.

They visit other people though.

I've never really understood it. They are adoring grandparents and very close to my husband, and extended family have always told me that they have always been very fond of me as a daughter in law, and I feel that they are fond of me. But they can go years without visiting us, although they are very insistent that my husband visits them. It's weird.

BlueThursday · 08/02/2020 16:19

Any dogs she might be afraid of?

LakieLady · 08/02/2020 16:37

There are 2 things that put me off visiting some people's houses.

One is if they are very houseproud and have a perfect home. I get anxious about spilling stuff, knocking anything over, not realising I've got ink on my fingers, stuff like that. And of course, being anxious makes me even more of a klutz and more likely to do all of the above.

The other is is their house is very dirty. I'm a long way short of OCD, but I often have to visit dirty, smelly houses in the course of my work, so I really don't relish having to do it in my spare time.

Do you have any pets or anything that she might be allergic to? Can she park near your house?

Or she might be like my friend's sister, who won't visit other people's homes because she hates using other people's lavs!

user1493494961 · 08/02/2020 16:44

I think your name-changed failed.

Original poster
Strongcoffeeneeded · 09/02/2020 03:01

@AcrossthePond55 I've also thought this! I'm 4 years older than DP and have 3 DC. Obviously it's a lot of baggage, and I was very conscious of this when we got together but DP always said his family didn't bat an eyelid when he told them about me and has always said as long as he's happy but perhaps it's not the case, its definitely made me conscious of it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strongcoffeeneeded · 09/02/2020 03:05

@HeadachesByTheDozen unfortunately yes Confused I NC on the browser when I wrote the OP but used the mobile app to reply to a few comments and have definitely not NC back so I dont understand why it happened! I've now gone back on the browser and my username is still strongcoffeeneeded, I'm baffled why it's done that?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Strongcoffeeneeded · 09/02/2020 03:12

@isabellerossignol looks like it's just not me then! Yeah, she passes not far from our home every single Sunday as she spends the day with her Parents so it's not like we're out of her way. Maybe she just doesn't want to make the 15 minute detour or hasn't got the time. I just struggle to understand when his DF lives 6 hours away and still makes the effort to visit his DP. I guess its just one of those things we're not meant to understand

OP posts:
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