To consider not telling him about genetic testing

[LittleMissYorkshireLass]

I've found out recently that there is a gene mutation that runs in my family that has a medical significance, and I should get tested for it. (Increases risk of breast and ovarian cancer by a lot).

I'm going to get tested to see if I have it, but my husband has unfortunately lost his 1st wife to cancer, so it's a very emotive topic obviously.

I want to tell him, but I wonder if he needs to know as it might be I'm not a carrier (it affects females a lot more, but I'd let my boys get tested if they choose too) and we don't have children together. If I'm not then he won't have had the worry, but also I don't want to hide it from him? I would tell him if it's positive and think he would understand why I protected him.

So as not to drip feed, I'm autistic so can struggle to know the right thing to do?

YANBU - don't tell him
YABU - do tell him

I'm happy to be told I'm unreasonable, as I know it's not a straightforward question, and I think opinion will be split. Only I can decide but I could use some advice as it's a huge shock.

YABU - in a relationship, you need to share things like great from the first point. He’ll feel betrayed if you tell him later down the mine regardless of the results

Great = right

Agree you should tell him.

I would tell him but frame it positively. If you don’t have it, fab and if you do, at least you’re more likely to catch it early to treat/best it.

And also acknowledge/empathise with how both the testing process and results could be particularly difficult for him as well as yourself.

You need to tell him, as difficult as the situation is he needs to know. You may also need his support. Couples are meant to discuss these things openly.

You don’t have to tell anyone anything unless you want to.
Whatever you do, it has to be because you want to do it...you shouldn’t make a decision based on what you think he needs.

Do you feel that you need his support? If so then tell him without fear of upsetting him.

Do you think you want to keep it to yourself until you know a definite answer? That is also reasonable.

OP, this is your medical test, it is nobody’s business except yours.

It's up to you. No one can decide for you.

I found a lump on my breasts whilst my husband's mother was dying of lung cancer. I didn't tell him and thankfully it turned out to be nothing. It was might choice and as far as I'm concerned the right one.

Wow I really really disagree with the first few posts.

No, your private medical business is just that. You decide whether you want to tell him, or not. It is up to you.

If you shared children, that would be different.

Think about whether you'd like him to know to be able to support you should you find out you do have the gene. If you don't feel the need to have him there when you get the result then i think it's ok not to tell him until after you've got the result, I would tell him whatever the result after you've had the test.

Not carrying the gene is just good news but you've protected him from the worry, and obviously if you do have the gene that should be shared.

The only caveat to that is if he's likely to hear about it from any other members of your family before you get the result, in which case it would be better coming from you.

I would do the testing and if anything shows you are at risk I would tell him. If not then nothing to tell

Don’t think there’s a right or wrong here, would do what feels best option for you.

Tell him and let him support you. He’ll be hurt if you don’t

I don’t know how you’d hide it from him? Would you be able to hide the appointment?

I probably wouldn’t tell him unless there was something to tell. So if the results were low risk then I wouldn’t say anything

I wouldn’t tell him until I knew. Why worry him if it’s not an issue?

I wouldn’t say anything until I knew. Doesn’t mean this is the right decision. You do what is right for you.

Hi there,
I have very recently been tested for the same thing. Horrendous family history of breast cancer, my wee sister having it last year & now recovering from chemo, double mastectomy etc. I & everyone else was convinced I would test positive so it was a massive shock to discover I tested negative for the gene. Having recently been through this I honestly don't feel there would be any benefit in telling your husband especially considering his previous experience. Only you will know what feels right though so go with your gut & I wish you all the best. Fingers crossed you are as lucky as me xxxx

No need to tell him, my DH is currently undergoing medical tests, I did offer to go with but he doesn't want me to and it's entirely his decision if he wants to talk to me about it.

Your medical details are your's and I can quite see in this situation how you would rather not cause him any worry.

None of us know enough about you or your husband to tell you what to do.

Have you been offered genetic counselling? If not is it available to you? If you are unsure you need someone with whom you can share details to help you work out the right solution.

In practical terms, if the test is negative there is no need to tell anyone now. If your boys are adults and are not aware then they should be so that they can make their own decisions and get their own advice.

If the results are positive then again you need to talk it over with a counsellor with whom you can share details and discuss the possible relationship impacts. If the result is a type which advises pre-emptive surgery you will have to tell him but he may be keen to support pre-emptive treatment.