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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be furious that MIL's friend accidentally announced my pregnancy?

64 replies

mamansnet · 07/02/2020 18:55

I'm 12 weeks pregnant. We told both sets of parents at Christmas when I was six weeks, otherwise we have been waiting for 12 weeks to tell people because I had an MMC last year.

We were with DH's parents for a week over New Year, where they had several people staying. Particularly their best friends from home, a place they left in June to move to another town an hour's flight away. No point hiding I'm pregnant because I wasn't eating pâté or drinking champagne for the whole week, both of which everybody knows I'm a very big fan of. We told everybody that we weren't announcing it yet so to please keep it quiet.

DH's best friend (and our DC1's godfather) lives half an hour away from this old town. He and his wife have been TTCing for a DC2 for some time now and have had several rounds of IVF. We were waiting for 12 weeks in particular to tell them because I know what it's like to suffer infertility (the night she had her DC I sobbed into my pillow because, while happy for them, I'd just been told after TTCing for 2 years that I would never have children naturally - although I later did). My plan was to text her tonight to let her know I was expecting, give it a few days and then tell the rest of our friends.

Except that at lunchtime today, DH's friend bumped in to one of MIL's friends from New Year, who blabbed.

Now, I completely understand that it's been 6 weeks and they will have forgotten that we weren't telling anyone yet. I can even understand that they would assume DH's close friend would have known. I can even appreciate that MIL's friends are completely ditzy and prone to memory lapses.

But I'm furious that that our friends have found out this way. They are going through a horrible time having intrusive tests, IVF and so on, and we wanted to be sure of ourselves before telling them. Also, my due date is 2 weeks before their wedding, so I probably can't attend.

DH says I'm overreacting but I believe MIL's friends owe us an apology.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 07/02/2020 18:58

YANBU. It’s not their news to tell.

ButtonandPickle19 · 07/02/2020 19:00

YABU to be furious but Yanbu to be annoyed and call your friends to explain. They’re good friends and they will understand.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 07/02/2020 19:01

If you need to force someone to apologise it's not really sincere. I'd be pissed off but would definatly get over it.

As you said. It wasnt malicious. It was a mistake.

Bibijayne · 07/02/2020 19:02

I think an apology isn't unreasonable. Have you spoken to your friends? That is more important tbh. See how they feel/ assess if there has been any damage at all. I feel this is the crux of your concern and upset and I think setting your mind at rest on that score is the priority.

Then a quiet chat to your MIL saying you're a little upset about the announcement though you understand it was an accident. Could she have a word with her friend?

letmeinthroughyourwindow · 07/02/2020 19:02

I think it's really hard to keep a secret once you've told people outside the family. They just don't have the same commitment to keeping it quiet.

If you made it clear that it was a secret then YANBU, although demanding an apology seems pointless to me.

If you said you'd be making it public at 12 weeks or whatever, and she simply assumed that time had passed, then you are still NBU to be cross but can't really be surprised that it happened.

PurpleDaisies · 07/02/2020 19:06

How do you know they found out? Did they text you?

It’s not ideal, obviously but I think the more fuss you make about it, the worse it will be for your friends.

Wearywithteens · 07/02/2020 19:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

PotteringAlong · 07/02/2020 19:08

If you want to keep it a secret you don’t tell anyone.

YABU for all the reasons you outlined above.

SouthWestmom · 07/02/2020 19:11

If they knew you were telling everyone at 12 weeks she's not done anything wrong. What happened? Did she just say oh lovely news about the baby? Or similar?

BendingSpoons · 07/02/2020 19:18

I understand it is annoying but it's easily done, especially as it has been a while since they found out. It was kind of you to plan to tell them in a sensitive way, but however they heard the news, they were still likely to find it hard. I think you need to accept it has happened (and is annoying!) and text your friend acknowledging what has happened.

Original poster
mamansnet · 07/02/2020 19:29

I don't think it occurred to them that I'm at 12 weeks and that it's 'public information' now. I just think they're completely thoughtless and just said 'oh isn't it wonderful that number 2 is on the way'.

DH's friend texted early this afternoon to ask if there was anything he should know. Apparently he was fine, but we've just called him together and he didn't sound too fine. Perhaps because he's told his fiancée now, as was agreed between him and DH this afternoon.

I won't be "demanding" an apology from anyone but I hope MIL will tell them and that it will occur to them to call me (doubt it). The PPs who said don't tell anyone outside the family are right, but it wasn't my choice - a big deal was being made about my food and drink, and the likelihood of them ever seeing DH's friend was so minimal it didn't seem a problem.

I have calmed down now but needed some perspective!

OP posts:
MimiLaRue · 07/02/2020 19:33

I totally get why you are upset.

However, the reality is- you simply cannot trust others to keep secrets. Dont tell anyone if the secret is really important- that way, you are 100% in control of when it gets disclosed. Tell them youre on antibiotics (like metronizadole) or something which is why you cant drink champagne.

Janedoe82 · 07/02/2020 19:37

I think you are being melodramatic. You didn’t have to tell them at Christmas- so what if they thought you were, no need to confirm it!

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 07/02/2020 19:43

Honestly, if you want to keep things quiet until the third month you need to tell no one.

Besides, your friends would be very happy for you whether they hear the news from you or anyone else. Your baby is the most important thing happening in the world for you but for other people is.. just good news, they would not give a shit of whether you tell them yourself or someone else.

Soontobe60 · 07/02/2020 19:46

If you didn't want certain people to know you shouldn't have told anyone. You could have pretended you were on antibiotics for a stomach condition at Christmas so couldn't drink or eat ate.

justasking111 · 07/02/2020 19:46

I had a friend having awful problems, so kept my pregnancy secret as long as I could. We told her OH so that he could tell her privately. She still went to bits and would not speak to me at all. It was only when she successfully had her baby that she started speaking to me again.

PurpleDaisies · 07/02/2020 19:53

Everyone knows antibiotics means pregnant.

Besides, your friends would be very happy for you whether they hear the news from you or anyone else.

Did you not bother reading the thread? Confused

Upsiedasie · 07/02/2020 19:54

I think you are being slightly U because it was obviously a mistake, so furious is an overreaction.

I can see why you’d feel a bit miffed, but I’d let it go and remember this next time you have a secret to keep!

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Smile

Ohtherewearethen · 07/02/2020 19:54

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It wasn't their news to tell. Anybody. They are adults and if they remembered you saying you were pregnant they would have remembered the conversation about you saying it had to be kept quiet. Is it the end of the world? No of course it isn't. As a PP said, our pregnancies and babies are only a huge huge deal to us. However there is no excuse for blabbing the way she did and to potentially have an awkward moment where your friend didn't know how to respond, then texting and phoning, etc. It has now become a much bigger deal than it ever should have been. It obviously mattered to your friends, otherwise they would have just thought, oh how lovely, I'll act surprised when they decide to tell me. None of it needed to happen and she was very insensitive and gossipy to blurt it out to your friend. I think I would have to let her know that she shouldn't have done that.

Saracen · 07/02/2020 19:59

YABU. You knew that they were ditzy and prone to memory lapses. You shouldn't have told an important secret to people like that. Possibly you can expect your own relatives to keep a secret, but definitely not anyone outside the family!

Sure they might have guessed, but you didn't have to confirm their suspicions. If you were absolutely determined to keep your secret, you could have avoided these people altogether during the champagne and pate season.

leli · 07/02/2020 20:00

Do you hate your p-i-l? Is this anger really about them and their friends? Once the cat's out of the bag, it's out of the bag.

I doubt whether your friends will be any more in pieces because they heard it from others or you. I'm sure they will understand the circumstances of the disclosure.

An apology is just humiliating for m-i-l's friends and pointless to ask for.

Sparklybanana · 07/02/2020 20:06

You are being unreasonable. Get annoyed at yourself instead. You can’t tell people and expect them not to tell anyone else as they don’t have anything invested by staying quiet. This is the same reason as telling anyone your baby name before the baby is born and getting annoyed that everyone knows.

If you want something kept secret then the knowledge has to stop with you. Tbh, it’s probably best they found out via a 3rd party because they don’t have to stifle any emotions from you and can pull themselves together to speak to you. But it won’t hurt to say that you’re telling people as you see them which is why they weren’t told yet.

XXcstatic · 07/02/2020 20:07

As the saying goes, three people can keep a secret, if two of them are dead...

It's great that you wanted to be kind & sensitive to your friends with fertility problems, but it was never realistic to expect the secret not to get out.

Original poster
mamansnet · 07/02/2020 20:08

For those saying antibiotics, I did think of that but it wouldn't have explained why I wasn't eating pâté, as well as a sudden aversion to seafood and feeling constantly nauseous and knackered. We've known these people for years and they know me too well. They all know how much I like booze and pâté. It was just BLINDINGLY obvious. DH and I weighed up the risk and decided that they would most likely never bump into our friends, they barely know each other and live 40 minutes apart.

It was always going to be shit telling these friends. I got my bfp literally 3 hours after I'd sent her a bouquet after she had the same exploratory surgery I had while TTCing DC1. I've been thinking about the best way to tell her for weeks. If only they'd seen them tomorrow and not today, it would have been fine Sad

I'm sure it'll be ok in the long run, but I know exactly how she must be feeling. She probably doesn't even care how she found out.

OP posts:
TheDarkPassenger · 07/02/2020 20:09

I would concentrate on making sure your friends are okay and explaining rather than chasing someone for an apology for a mistake.

Although I do think if you want to keep a secret you probably shouldn’t tell a room full of people. I’d be pretty hurt if my friend told random mil friends before their own good friends

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